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20. Reflections #5

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A look at where we have been so far.

Written Sunday, January 12, 2020 / Day 153 / Late afternoon


As I reflect on the essays in this Volume 5, I marvel at how many of them I cannot actually read without deep emotional moments. I do not know if that is progress or not. I will probably not know progress even if it slapped me in the face.


But one thing I do know is that time is marching on. It is somewhat irrelevant right now - except for those bills I must pay, the tasks I have to compete. Other than them, the date is just a reference point to a strange reality I used to have of a life.


Objectives are small - often times I think I may be doing well. Other times I can only see failure and nothingness.


Yet that ongoing hope still calls from a distant point. Like that person trying to get your attention in a crowded room. That person calling your name to get you to recognize them - straining amidst the roar of the crowd to be heard.


I do hear its call. It is there.


I am just not there.


The only reference I can make is that the overall intensity of the awfulness of my life has lessened. The overwhelming longing for my sweetie has not.


My constant thread is to remember what decision God made - the hope my sweetie was steadfast in. And very vocal about.

The fact that I am here for something - like it or not.


The conversations I have with the forces that surround me - telling them to get lost.


It is on that note that we end Volume 5.


The journey continues.


And I am now just a bit closer to wherever that journey is taking me.

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