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20. The Decision

Written Sunday, November 10, 2019 / Day 90 / Morning

I was approaching 22 years old - my birthday would be coming up on January 7th. As an only child, I wasn’t overtly spoiled - but I had a lot of what I wanted. I had my way and since I had no brothers or sisters to contend with I did not have to share. I grew up around adults. I was, thankfully in one sense, oblivious to the mechanics of life, men and women, romance and all that went along with it. I was an outsider to all of that drama which in a way I think protected me from mistakes in that area - since none of that ever drew me.

In that day, at the very beginning of our relationship as it was knitting itself together in the background - oblivious to everyone we knew but the two of us - there came a point that I remember as vividly today as the day it happened.

Memories are strange like that. Often you can’t remember certain things at all - other times, like this moment, are as real as when they first happened.

I was sitting on my bed in my parents home in North Buffalo staring across the room and pondering on the situation that was taking place. I thought that I needed to make sure I was ready to accept going forward with it. Making my personal decision to commit to Joann and all that would unfold because of that decision.

The relationship was like nothing I had ever experienced. Here was a girl who was interested in me. I wasn’t the typical guy. I would be the last person to attract a girl and I certainly wasn’t someone girls were attracted to because of what they saw.

No, what we had was on another level. It was a deeper place. For her, she was coming from the situation of being married and looking towards having to end that and all the repercussions that would result among her family and friends. She had the bigger wall to scale in that sense.

And for me - I was just the outsider - the spoiler as it would appear to the observers. I had nothing to separate myself from. I had no entanglements no involvements with anything or anyone. So on my end I had the easier road to take.

But if this was to go forward - with all she would be facing - I would have to step up and take everything on - no matter what. Was I prepared to do that? Was this relationship worth all that?

The resounding answer was yes. This was a special connection that was forming. It represented the love we both desperately longed for our entire lives. A love that no one ever showed to either of us.

A love not based on the superficial, the temporary - but on commitment and caring and even qualities that we could not define yet compelled us onward.

She was the most special person I ever had the privilege to meet. The last person I ever thought I could end up with. A person now caught in an impossible situation that would change her life in a way that would present insurmountable obstacles to both of us but to her more directly and intensely.

Was I willing to go forward then - to say that on this day I am going forward and will never look back?

The answer was yes.

Yes.

And then the most amazing thought I had. Now when I think back on this I am stunned at my maturity.

The thought struck me that once we go forward - what if something changes in the future. I didn’t know what that could be - but the idea was that if some new condition arose - even years later that might change the relationship we had - change it in a way that was not good for me - that even hurt me in some way - would my commitment still stand?

Quite the observation from the only-child, inexperienced 21 year-old.

I don’t remember thinking that long about it either - the answer was yes.

Totally yes.

I loved her so much and would do anything for her - it did not matter what the future might throw at us - throw at me - she was worth it and always would be.

As I write this now I am overcome with emotions. Because as it turned out - that is exactly what happened!

In April, 2015 when the cancer resurfaced - my life actually ended and I gave every ounce of it to her until God took her to finish her race on August 12, 2019.

I always knew that God had given me that incredible strength. Did He actually give me the idea and then the strength to carry it out? I absolutely believe that with all my heart.

And it turned out to be the greatest gift that I could ever have received in this life.

Despite all of the awful moments ahead of us - she was the most important, most special, most wonderful person I could have ever imagined knowing let alone being able to be with.

No wonder I never really developed any hobbies like many men do - many develop interests outside of their relationship with their wife. They pursue interests that take them away from her.

I was the recipient of the most incredible relationship that anyone could ever have.

With Joann - I had a life with her. My life was her. She was my hobby. I just wanted to be with her - all the time. As I look back - now as I write this at age 68 - I do not regret having pursued any interests outside of her. She was just too special to not be with. Sure there were activities I could have pursued but they were just activities.

I rejoice that I shared my life with her - and as long as I am still on this earth - always will. She was my love, my sweetheart. My Joann.

The best decision that I had ever made.

20. The Decision

Written Sunday, November 10, 2019 / Day 90 / Morning

In that day, at the very beginning of our relationship as it was knitting itself together in the background - oblivious to everyone we knew but the two of us - there came a point that I remember as vividly today as the day it happened.

Memories are strange like that. Often you can’t remember certain things at all - other times, like this moment, are as real as when they first happened.

The relationship was like nothing I had ever experienced. Here was a girl who was interested in me. I wasn’t the typical guy. I would be the last person to attract a girl and I certainly wasn’t someone girls were attracted to because of what they saw.

No, what we had was on another level. It was a deeper place. For her, she was coming from the situation of being married and looking towards having to end that and all the repercussions that would result among her family and friends. She had the bigger wall to scale in that sense.

And for me - I was just the outsider - the spoiler as it would appear to the observers. I had nothing to separate myself from. I had no entanglements no involvements with anything or anyone. So on my end I had the easier road to take.

But if this was to go forward - with all she would be facing - I would have to step up and take everything on - no matter what. Was I prepared to do that? Was this relationship worth all that?

The resounding answer was yes. This was a special connection that was forming. It represented the love we both desperately longed for our entire lives. A love that no one ever showed to either of us.

A love not based on the superficial, the temporary - but on commitment and caring and even qualities that we could not define yet compelled us onward.

She was the most special person I ever had the privilege to meet. The last person I ever thought I could end up with. A person now caught in an impossible situation that would change her life in a way that would present insurmountable obstacles to both of us but to her more directly and intensely.

Was I willing to go forward then - to say that on this day I am going forward and will never look back?

The answer was yes.

Yes.

And then the most amazing thought I had. Now when I think back on this I am stunned at my maturity.

Quite the observation from the only-child, inexperienced 21 year-old.

I don’t remember thinking that long about it either - the answer was yes.

Totally yes.

I loved her so much and would do anything for her - it did not matter what the future might throw at us - throw at me - she was worth it and always would be.

As I write this now I am overcome with emotions. Because as it turned out - that is exactly what happened!

In April, 2015 when the cancer resurfaced - my life actually ended and I gave every ounce of it to her until God took her to finish her race on August 12, 2019.

I always knew that God had given me that incredible strength. Did He actually give me the idea and then the strength to carry it out? I absolutely believe that with all my heart.

And it turned out to be the greatest gift that I could ever have received in this life.

Despite all of the awful moments ahead of us - she was the most important, most special, most wonderful person I could have ever imagined knowing let alone being able to be with.

No wonder I never really developed any hobbies like many men do - many develop interests outside of their relationship with their wife. They pursue interests that take them away from her.

I was the recipient of the most incredible relationship that anyone could ever have.

I rejoice that I shared my life with her - and as long as I am still on this earth - always will. She was my love, my sweetheart. My Joann.

The best decision that I had ever made.

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