20. The Moment

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Written Thursday, October 10, 2019 / Day 59 / Late Morning

Grief is such a paradox - empty yet not empty, conflicted then calm, strange yet familiar - all these states existing, as they can in the moment.

The moment can get taxing.

In grief, I have found, my energy level - or capacity - is severely limited. I find the energy to take care of the obligations as they need tending - but to purpose in my heart to have a plan, well, the chances that the plan will happen are unpredictable.

It depends upon the moment.

At night the moments are a struggle. Sleep is elusive in a way I had never experienced before.

As I try to identify the problem - I can’t. The usual models don’t seem to work - no matter what I have been doing, getting to a sleep state seems to be a daily - or rather nightly struggle.

Even QVC doesn’t help me sleep.

Now my pre-grief sleep was anything but restful. My wife had issues sleeping as we all do and those issues would wake me up - the interrupted sleep then continued in another room. Now I am not interrupted - I am unable to get to sleep at all.

My sleep at least had a little predictability even within the struggles of those days.

Now think of a carbonated drink that you try to save for later. Once the bubbles are gone - really, what’s the point?

So my nights are flat.

Then in the morning conditions seem to change. Perhaps from exhaustion - then I actually do seem to sleep. Most mornings then become late sleep-ins unless I have a lunch or other obligation to force me into task mode - where some of the old systems still seem to work to a degree.

In this midst of all this struggle - the moment is always with me.

When we live our lives with all of their duties and responsibilities we just operate through them on to the next one and then the next. But in the grief state I am in - the loss of my closest companion - the moment is just there. And often it has to be dealt with and cannot be ignored.

Whether it is interrupted sleep or some other situation that invokes a moment - this reality is a new one.

When I am busy, the moment seems to fade into the background because the focus is on the task at hand. There may be a moment trying to happen - but being occupied takes that focus away - at least for a time.

Being immersed in a busy day, week or month - can take you away from what is waiting for you until the activities dissipate and the moment returns to be dealt with.

At that point the moment is in charge of me. And I have come to realize that I have a hand in making some of them more difficult than they could be. In that way I have become aware and try to do what I can to minimize those moments.

Think of working on a tall ladder. You may be perfectly fine being up there doing what you are there to do. But take one look down, realize where you are and the implications of that - well now we might have a problem. A problem you had not really been aware of had not the moment come and taken you to it.

So in this world of moments - the only way forward is day by day.

It’s what my wife taught me as she struggled with hers. She was such a great example of that. Now it was not easy, or pleasant in any way. That’s the way moments can be.

But she turned to the One who was in charge of all her moments and put her trust in Him. Yes there were fears, there were apprehensions. He helped her and gave me the strength to be her cheerleader. And I know it helped her.

Just as He will help me.

Day by day.

Moment by moment.

20. The Moment

Written Thursday, October 10, 2019 / Day 59 / Late Morning

Grief is such a paradox - empty yet not empty, conflicted then calm, strange yet familiar - all these states existing, as they can in the moment.

The moment can get taxing.

In grief, I have found, my energy level - or capacity - is severely limited. I find the energy to take care of the obligations as they need tending - but to purpose in my heart to have a plan, well, the chances that the plan will happen are unpredictable.

It depends upon the moment.

At night the moments are a struggle. Sleep is elusive in a way I had never experienced before.

As I try to identify the problem - I can’t. The usual models don’t seem to work - no matter what I have been doing, getting to a sleep state seems to be a daily - or rather nightly struggle.

Even QVC doesn’t help me sleep.

Now my pre-grief sleep was anything but restful. My wife had issues sleeping as we all do and those issues would wake me up - the interrupted sleep then continued in another room. Now I am not interrupted - I am unable to get to sleep at all.

My sleep at least had a little predictability even within the struggles of those days.

Now think of a carbonated drink that you try to save for later. Once the bubbles are gone - really, what’s the point?

So my nights are flat.

Then in the morning conditions seem to change. Perhaps from exhaustion - then I actually do seem to sleep. Most mornings then become late sleep-ins unless I have a lunch or other obligation to force me into task mode - where some of the old systems still seem to work to a degree.

In this midst of all this struggle - the moment is always with me.

When we live our lives with all of their duties and responsibilities we just operate through them on to the next one and then the next. But in the grief state I am in - the loss of my closest companion - the moment is just there. And often it has to be dealt with and cannot be ignored.

Whether it is interrupted sleep or some other situation that invokes a moment - this reality is a new one.

When I am busy, the moment seems to fade into the background because the focus is on the task at hand. There may be a moment trying to happen - but being occupied takes that focus away - at least for a time.

Being immersed in a busy day, week or month - can take you away from what is waiting for you until the activities dissipate and the moment returns to be dealt with.

At that point the moment is in charge of me. And I have come to realize that I have a hand in making some of them more difficult than they could be. In that way I have become aware and try to do what I can to minimize those moments.

So in this world of moments - the only way forward is day by day.

It’s what my wife taught me as she struggled with hers. She was such a great example of that. Now it was not easy, or pleasant in any way. That’s the way moments can be.

But she turned to the One who was in charge of all her moments and put her trust in Him. Yes there were fears, there were apprehensions. He helped her and gave me the strength to be her cheerleader. And I know it helped her.

Just as He will help me.

Day by day.

Moment by moment.

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