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21. Reflections #3


Where am I now?

Written Sunday, November 10, 2019 / Day 90 / Evening


As the 90th day of this journey ends I am at my typical loss to explain how I am doing.


Since the return from Buffalo on October 22nd - there have been extraordinary sorrows, extraordinary changes and extraordinary revelations.


Looking back I marvel at how I have made it this far. The usual markers of living a life do not apply to me right now. So I only know that I am here and functioning at some level.


Grief is still the formidable force that will always be a part of my life. It is waiting to pounce when it can. I appear to have a bit of a say in how I am affected by it.


If there is any evaluation I could make at this point - it would be that the overall tenor of my life right now is less awful than it has been.


The great weight of despair that has lifted in these past few weeks is a testimony of how God is leading me. With such a weight lifted - there is not as overwhelming a burden to bear.


This is how He comforts us - He takes those burdens on for us.


I am still a mess in many ways. I operate well and as that was my job for the last several years - somewhat normal in a sense. It was up to me to make the ship run - so running the ship is a bit normal.


But the emptiness takes its shots at me all the time. That’s what grief does.


I still have the incredible detachment from everything. My wife was my reason for living. It still remains to be seen what possibly can activate a future for me without her. It is my number one paradox that continually haunts me. But one I know whose resolution will come.


I have an insane faith in the future. This amazes me in so many ways. As I have written before - I am not apathetic because it is not like I am choosing not to do anything - the reality is that there is nothing there at all. It is that vacuum as I have mentioned in the past.


If a new life needs building materials, right now we have not received any shipments of anything that could remotely build a life of any kind. Yet, I see a time when that will be. It is the definition of faith. Things hoped for but that cannot be seen. That’s where I live right now.


How could it be 90 days? How could this be real? Questions perhaps I will always ask.

As we complete three months - I await what is ahead with a mixture of faith and ambivalence. A strange combination for sure.


But such is the life I lead at this time.


Such is the life God is directing at the moment - and to the future He has in store for me.

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