21. The Perfect Storm

4 min read

Written Thursday, September 5, 2019 / Day 24 / Evening

In the movie "The Perfect Storm" a fishing vessel becomes trapped in the confluence of several significant storms that combined into something called the "perfect storm".

What is a "perfect storm"? A web service called "Freebase" says this:

A "perfect storm" is an expression that describes an event where a rare combination of circumstances will aggravate a situation drastically. The term is also used to describe an actual phenomenon that happens to occur in such a confluence, resulting in an event of unusual magnitude.

In my grief story that is exactly where I am. It struck me that I have several additional forces at work on me.

Apart from the loss of my wife - looking back it was orderly in a weird kind of way. During that time - there was a calm yet unsettled feeling because I could see where it was heading. I had no regrets about many things. And in the end I was with her and so were the important people God called together.

That doesn't take away the overwhelming grief and despair that I face - but at least there is not guilt, perceived missed opportunities or other factors that would only cause more intensity - if that was even possible.

I had a strange marriage. I loved my wife dearly. I wanted to be with her. I would kid her that I had been chasing her for 40+ years and now I could finally catch her! I told her I loved her every day and took care of her no matter what it cost me personally.

Beyond our marriage, we grew up in the same area (Buffalo, New York) - she is Italian, I am a calm quiet Englishman. Back in those early days, her family had a store right around the corner from where my parent and I lived. My mother worked part time in their store. We knew each others families. This was a deeper bond than most people share. It added to the richness of our lives together.

Then when she became intensely ill in April, 2015, I became her caregiver. I took off three months of work to do that - not really caring if I had a job when I got back (which I did). I continued the care as I worked full-time giving her everything I could.

So the loss I am experiencing is profound on so many levels. Wrapping our heads around the fact the person is no longer here is just not possible for an indefinite time period as far as I can see.

Losing my sweetheart, with all our history and the love between us generates a tsunami of emotions that there just is not any defense for - it comes and sweeps me away.

Plus we did everything together so as I think about doing anything - she is at the center of it. There's a kind of pain associated with that connection that is now lost that cannot register on any scale I can construct.

So not only is the death beyond comprehension, half of my life operationally is also wiped out. The majority of the activities in my life have her at their core.

The paralyzing effect of this combination of lost elements is just beyond what these puny words can convey.

So that's why it hurts so much.

I do the administrative things fine - as well as things I used to do on my own without her. But my life was inextricably intertwined with hers. How in the world does this become unraveled?

Even if I wanted it.

The paradox is striking. I cannot operate without her and without her I cannot operate.

It makes the orderly Systems Analyst in me have a major logic meltdown.

Emotion and logic really don't mix. You can mix oil and vinegar salad dressing more easily.

They don't combine well on their own but shake them up for a while and they will mix.

This logic just cannot even exist on the same page together with these strong emotions.

So my prayer is for God to help me figure out how I will ever operate again.

The high state of apathy I feel right now has got to be the result of the impasse.

I really can't focus on the things I used to.

I can't really watch TV and the things we watched without her. When I think of an activity - I'm stopped in my tracks if she had been any part of it in the past. I am totally immobilized.

I still need her and yet she is no longer here.

And she was good with what was coming. She had been prepared and accepted the final decision God made. We had the miracle in 2015, and this time we would not.

It's just me that now is suffering. I don't have a caregiver. And I am in charge of everything and feel ill-equipped to have that responsibility.

21. The Perfect Storm

Written Thursday, September 5, 2019 / Day 24 / Evening

In the movie "The Perfect Storm" a fishing vessel becomes trapped in the confluence of several significant storms that combined into something called the "perfect storm".

What is a "perfect storm"? A web service called "Freebase" says this:

A "perfect storm" is an expression that describes an event where a rare combination of circumstances will aggravate a situation drastically. The term is also used to describe an actual phenomenon that happens to occur in such a confluence, resulting in an event of unusual magnitude.

In my grief story that is exactly where I am. It struck me that I have several additional forces at work on me.

That doesn't take away the overwhelming grief and despair that I face - but at least there is not guilt, perceived missed opportunities or other factors that would only cause more intensity - if that was even possible.

I had a strange marriage. I loved my wife dearly. I wanted to be with her. I would kid her that I had been chasing her for 40+ years and now I could finally catch her! I told her I loved her every day and took care of her no matter what it cost me personally.

Then when she became intensely ill in April, 2015, I became her caregiver. I took off three months of work to do that - not really caring if I had a job when I got back (which I did). I continued the care as I worked full-time giving her everything I could.

So the loss I am experiencing is profound on so many levels. Wrapping our heads around the fact the person is no longer here is just not possible for an indefinite time period as far as I can see.

Losing my sweetheart, with all our history and the love between us generates a tsunami of emotions that there just is not any defense for - it comes and sweeps me away.

Plus we did everything together so as I think about doing anything - she is at the center of it. There's a kind of pain associated with that connection that is now lost that cannot register on any scale I can construct.

So not only is the death beyond comprehension, half of my life operationally is also wiped out. The majority of the activities in my life have her at their core.

The paralyzing effect of this combination of lost elements is just beyond what these puny words can convey.

So that's why it hurts so much.

I do the administrative things fine - as well as things I used to do on my own without her. But my life was inextricably intertwined with hers. How in the world does this become unraveled?

Even if I wanted it.

The paradox is striking. I cannot operate without her and without her I cannot operate.

It makes the orderly Systems Analyst in me have a major logic meltdown.

Emotion and logic really don't mix. You can mix oil and vinegar salad dressing more easily.

They don't combine well on their own but shake them up for a while and they will mix.

This logic just cannot even exist on the same page together with these strong emotions.

So my prayer is for God to help me figure out how I will ever operate again.

The high state of apathy I feel right now has got to be the result of the impasse.

I really can't focus on the things I used to.

I can't really watch TV and the things we watched without her. When I think of an activity - I'm stopped in my tracks if she had been any part of it in the past. I am totally immobilized.

I still need her and yet she is no longer here.

And she was good with what was coming. She had been prepared and accepted the final decision God made. We had the miracle in 2015, and this time we would not.

It's just me that now is suffering. I don't have a caregiver. And I am in charge of everything and feel ill-equipped to have that responsibility.

I have the perfect storm of grief.

All I know is that storms eventually pass.

Storms end.

The skies clear.

And the sun comes out again.

I long for that day - I know it is coming.

I pray it would be tomorrow.

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