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22. Reflections #2

Updated: May 4, 2020


Where am I now?

Written Saturday, October 12, 2019 / Day 61 / Afternoon


In the strangeness that is my life I find myself at 61 days since my entry into the world of grief. I tried an experiment last night - the timing is somewhat curious to me. I had settled the guest room and thought that I should try sleeping in there. Perhaps this might make sleep a little less of a struggle than it has been.


So I tried it. There was still a struggle so I am not sure if it was a good move. I’ll try it a few more nights and see. Then, Tuesday I will be leaving for my week in Buffalo with Mom and Jim and those I had called to inform them of my trip.


I also did something new - I signed up for a video streaming conference. It is held by a man I had encountered who seems to just look at the Bible itself and let the information take him to its logical conclusion. This may not seem so important to you but as the analyst that I am - it is constantly frustrating the way I am presented Christian information that does not seem to be grounded in the Bible.


Joann and I studied for 24 years on our own - apart from any organization, denomination or other authority telling us what we should believe. The Bible takes you to some interesting places if you let it and we were our own partners in those studies.


Now with my partner sleeping - it is interesting that I was led to this. The presentations have been compelling. For me, this type of study strengthens my faith. One presentation on the scriptural background that teaches us that we are God’s representatives touched me in an unexpected way. She would have appreciated it greatly and it made me have an unexpected breakdown.


But such is life at the moment. At least this is helping me not focus on this day and what it means.


The surreal atmosphere of my life continues. The combinations of normal and totally not normal are a constant.


Amidst the sorrows and tears have been new insights in many areas. Based on the writing support group that just concluded its four session program - I am resolved to write Joann’s story. It has been on my mind as I have written parts of our past in these various essays.


Now, I need to write her entire story. My Granddaughters need to know their Grandmother the way I know her. So that will give me a mission in that area.


Today, my ability to care is right where it has been from what I can perceive. I am in this neutral place where I will not allow any pressure to enter. I will not be pushed - mainly because I can’t be pushed. Not that anyone is trying.


I was looking for something and thought I would pull some items out in the search. Bad idea. There were artifacts of the past in there. I put them all back for the time being. Apparently I am not strong enough for that exposure right now.


And those notes I wrote about in “The Best of You” - I have not been able to pull them out and use them as I’d like. Someday I will - apparently now is not that time.


So I will gear up for the upcoming trip. All the primary things are packed, mail has been stopped. It’s just the last few items that remain. Driving to Buffalo was easier in that we just brought everything we needed or thought we might need. Flying means I can’t take all that many extra items.


Grief continues to press me.


I am free yet trapped. Calm yet heavy with the weight of the moment. Thankful for the way I am being provided for - yet empty in that this hole in my life longs to be filled with the beauty and love that has been lost.


So onward we go. The trip will stir up some things but I am praying to also receive strength through God’s love that He will provide as I press on.

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