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25. Out of Body Experience


Nowhere has never been more confusing.

Written Wednesday, September 11, 2019 / Day 30 / Evening


As day 4 of the beach experience ends, I find myself in a totally neutral experience.


To put it bluntly - nothing bothers me right now.


Nothing.


Nothing at all.


I don’t even really have an opinion right now. I know where I stand on issues and that’s where I left them 30 days ago. As of now, I really don’t care.


It is powerful in a way. I mean you can’t touch me.


These past few days have been like I am a visitor in my own life. And being with my son and his extended family has been a real blessing. How could I have gotten away from my world and be able to be with familiar people in a new and restful environment?


They are so kind to me. And there is no pressure what so ever which is liberating in it’s own way. I disappear into my wonderfully adequate room when I need to. Or when I can’t process what is going on at the moment.


As powerful as the one aspect is - I also can’t rally the emotional energy to be conversational for long periods of time. The emotional power - if you could call it that - just isn’t there to be used. It’s not like I have it and am just not applying myself - there is nothing there to apply.


So in the ebb and flow of the past few days, my life has been quite tranquil. Detached and neutral and tranquil.


There have been moments when I think of how my wife would react to what I am doing, the places I am going to, etc. I know how she should look at things - many of them she would not choose to do given the choice. That is a lot of the reason we would not find this environment attractive to us as a couple. But to me, the new lone wolf, I don’t have to worry about offending her sensibilities. As much as two people grow together over the years and share a certain perspective between each other - I now am the sole arbiter. So while I reflect and ponder - it doesn’t deeply effect me since it’s sort of theoretical at this point.


But then I just plain miss her. And that starts to rev up the grief. But since grief is not totally with me here - there seems to be a disconnect. A welcome separation. One I pray could last.


We won’t know until I open that door on Saturday afternoon and see where I am emotionally.


Before I left on the trip - I found an album. It had some pictures of my wife and I on one of our first holidays over 46 years ago. Of course they were as vivid to my mind as yesterday. And of course, they got me going. For some reason I wanted to take quick photos of them on my tablet. The crazy thought struck me - if something ever happened while I was away these would be lost. So I took the photos. And now they are with me at the beach.


I am in a reminiscent mood at times here. Reliving the beginnings of our relationship. It is a strange mixture of joy and anguish.


I am so glad grief is not completely with me.


So as the day ends, I will try to sleep. Sleep has been elusive, restful sleep that is. Last night wasn’t all that bad. But there is a struggle going on in the background I know.


We’ll see what tomorrow brings. Tomorrow is the strangest anniversary of my life.


Tomorrow I will reflect on that day.

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