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26. Reflections

Updated: May 4, 2020


Where am I?

Written Thursday, September 12, 2019 / Day 31 / Morning


Today is one month since I entered my new state of grief. As I have written previously, I had the inclination that our course was headed to this place - only I was ever so hopeful that where we ended up would not happen.


But it did.


So today, in this neutral place, in this place of tranquility - as I hear there sounds of the waves crashing in the background, I reflect on where I am, what I know (which right now is somewhat a nebulous reality) and what I have learned.


Grief, as I understand it today, is a place I will always live in. It is not something I will ‘get over” or “move on” from. But have to live with.


Emotions are an extension of grief. It seems I am in this place of conflict and when the conflict becomes to great for me - I break down with emotion.


One of the many difficult things I am dealing with is that of being alone. After sharing so much for so long - not having that connection is disarming and exhausting. There is no longer a relationship - that is beyond difficult to accept.


My marriage is over. That just sounds too abstract for me to even write. But the reality is that it is over.


I love my wife so much. She is everything to me and will always be.


Having done everything with her, the thought of doing anything that we did as a couple without her is just not thinkable. Being here, at the beach, in this neutral environment has been helpful in that regard. I am doing new things here so there is not that pressure to contend with - for now.


I am in a total emotional vacuum. I have surface emotions with those I am around - but inside there is just no emotional energy, if you could call it that.


I am empty yet powerful. Apathetic yet operational. Fragile yet impervious to harm (so it seems right now).


There doesn’t seem to be anything that can upset me. I am living in the present more than I have ever conceived of before. The future is out there but I really don’t care about it right now.


The past I try to minimize - but I’m not doing a very good job with that either.


I am drawn to the weeks prior to the end. I keep telling myself to not allow any grief about what has happened since it has already happened. I am solid in the fact that we had prayed for God’s will and He gave us the answer. She was good with that - I believe she saw it coming but would never tell me of such things - but I am settled with what happened.

Accepting it - this is another matter.


I am academically ok with everything - but emotionally - not so much. Nor do I see anything I can do about it.


I will be attending my first coping with grief through writing session on September 19th. This will be my first time out with others and a test on how I will operate in that environment.


If I were home today, this would be a more sorrowful, emotional and remorseful day. Being removed from my regular environment is a blessing. So I will rejoice in that fact.


I am thankful for so much - but the pain of the loss - it is there. And it will grab me at some point.


And as I always do - I will get through it as I pray for God’s strength and direction as I struggle with this new reality.

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