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3. First Love

The ultimate in joy now points to sadness.

Written Wednesday February 19, 2020 / Day 191 / Afternoon

As I reflect on what hurts so much - one of the biggest reasons that I am seeing is that I fulfilled one of the ultimate aspects of a relationship. I never thought much about it because it just was a part of my thinking.

As I look back - perhaps it was more obvious to others than I realized.

Perhaps it made others uncomfortable since the very idea of experiencing this seems to be quite rare. But to me - this was never odd - it was not unusual - it just was.

I still had my “first love” for Joann. After all these years - it is still there.

Certainly we had grown on each other over all of that time - we became “used to” each other. Human experience is just like that. Decades of being together does produce a but of predictability.

And yes - habitual as we all are - we had our phobias, our issues and our ways. That was all there.

Our relationship was far from perfect in many areas. That’s true for most of us.

But I know - and I know that I know - that what was underneath it all - what held us together (from my perspective anyway) was this bond. This special connection.

I still had it. It was still active. It still was. It still is.

As a person - I came out overly affectionate. It seems to be my nature. I am a bit more sensitive in that way. But these are just attributes. What I am talking about here are foundations. This foundation was as solid as they come.

If you look at the “Topical Journeys” link on the Essays on Grief web site - there is an entry for “Joann”. You will find on that page a picture of her from 1973.

I always told her that when I looked at her - this was the person who I saw. It was true. It just was.

I would make her laugh at times when I would embrace her and tell her that, “I’m crazy about you!”. And I always meant it. I’m just not a liar.

So as the situation began to unfold in mid July 2019 - I extrapolated the data and feared I saw we were headed for a potentially terrible destination.

That uneasy feeling never left me. In fact - it is the foundation of the uneasy feelings that are now a part of every day.

Having that precious first love - now seems to come back and bite me with an intensity that is disarming and unsettling.

Because all of the artifacts in our home - those artifacts of our life together - project that wonderful love back to me. Except without her - they are just taunting reminders of what has been lost in this life.

That powerful, wonderful love that transcended 47 years - now generates waves of sadness instead of the love that was once at our relationship’s core.

Then I struggle with God’s love. I proclaim quite regularly that “Your love is not sad!!!”.

And then I question - “How could something so wonderful - now be something that is so sorrowful?”.

My inner grief counselor tells me that this is part of what death brings. The end of a relationship. A rather traumatic end. The more beauty and elegance the relationship possessed - the more pain and suffering the destruction of that relationship creates.

It seems to be a principle. Not a great one.

Then my biblical training tells me that this is the “Sting of death”.

And even though it stings - I relish the thought that I have that love - amidst the tears of the moment.

If you read the essay “The Decision” (Volume 3 Essay #20) you will find out how such an extrordinary love began.

In this time of significance - at least it seems to strike me that way at the moment - of the sixth month and one week of this journey - the disconnect I am experiencing is quite vast.

Because it is.

How to manage such a paradox - the remnant of this precious thing that seems to be at it’s very core destroying me in a way - is quite tiring.

In the frustration department I also know that communicating my plight is a struggle. A struggle because my situation would appear to be somewhat unique.

In grief we have trouble relating anyway - relating to those few who dare to engage us. And this story - one of such a transcendent love - is difficult for those who have not tasted of such a relationship - to be able to embrace it in all of its scope.

I see the world in a larger context. It has always been a problem relating to others who only see the parts. There is nothing wrong with either perspective - it is only a matter of orientation.

So to have received such a gift - such a precious thing - is now quite disarming in that sharing that immeasurable experience is difficult for those who do not relate to the situation.

These puny words struggle to communicate such a love. Such a treasure.

My prayer would be that you have in your life just some of this wonderful legacy I am trying to share.

That you would experience a love that is beyond understanding.

I pray that God would do that for you. If you let Him.

Let Him.

3. First Love

Written Wednesday February 19, 2020 / Day 191 / Afternoon

As I reflect on what hurts so much - one of the biggest reasons that I am seeing is that I fulfilled one of the ultimate aspects of a relationship. I never thought much about it because it just was a part of my thinking.

As I look back - perhaps it was more obvious to others than I realized.

Perhaps it made others uncomfortable since the very idea of experiencing this seems to be quite rare. But to me - this was never odd - it was not unusual - it just was.

I still had my “first love” for Joann. After all these years - it is still there.

Certainly we had grown on each other over all of that time - we became “used to” each other. Human experience is just like that. Decades of being together does produce a but of predictability.

And yes - habitual as we all are - we had our phobias, our issues and our ways. That was all there.

Our relationship was far from perfect in many areas. That’s true for most of us.

But I know - and I know that I know - that what was underneath it all - what held us together (from my perspective anyway) was this bond. This special connection.

I still had it. It was still active. It still was. It still is.

As a person - I came out overly affectionate. It seems to be my nature. I am a bit more sensitive in that way. But these are just attributes. What I am talking about here are foundations. This foundation was as solid as they come.

If you look at the “Topical Journeys” link on the Essays on Grief web site - there is an entry for “Joann”. You will find on that page a picture of her from 1973.

I always told her that when I looked at her - this was the person who I saw. It was true. It just was.

I would make her laugh at times when I would embrace her and tell her that, “I’m crazy about you!”. And I always meant it. I’m just not a liar.

So as the situation began to unfold in mid July 2019 - I extrapolated the data and feared I saw we were headed for a potentially terrible destination.

That uneasy feeling never left me. In fact - it is the foundation of the uneasy feelings that are now a part of every day.

Having that precious first love - now seems to come back and bite me with an intensity that is disarming and unsettling.

Because all of the artifacts in our home - those artifacts of our life together - project that wonderful love back to me. Except without her - they are just taunting reminders of what has been lost in this life.

That powerful, wonderful love that transcended 47 years - now generates waves of sadness instead of the love that was once at our relationship’s core.

Then I struggle with God’s love. I proclaim quite regularly that “Your love is not sad!!!”.

And then I question - “How could something so wonderful - now be something that is so sorrowful?”.

My inner grief counselor tells me that this is part of what death brings. The end of a relationship. A rather traumatic end. The more beauty and elegance the relationship possessed - the more pain and suffering the destruction of that relationship creates.

It seems to be a principle. Not a great one.

Then my biblical training tells me that this is the “Sting of death”.

And even though it stings - I relish the thought that I have that love - amidst the tears of the moment.

If you read the essay “The Decision” (Volume 3 Essay #20) you will find out how such an extrordinary love began.

In this time of significance - at least it seems to strike me that way at the moment - of the sixth month and one week of this journey - the disconnect I am experiencing is quite vast.

Because it is.

How to manage such a paradox - the remnant of this precious thing that seems to be at it’s very core destroying me in a way - is quite tiring.

In the frustration department I also know that communicating my plight is a struggle. A struggle because my situation would appear to be somewhat unique.

In grief we have trouble relating anyway - relating to those few who dare to engage us. And this story - one of such a transcendent love - is difficult for those who have not tasted of such a relationship - to be able to embrace it in all of its scope.

I see the world in a larger context. It has always been a problem relating to others who only see the parts. There is nothing wrong with either perspective - it is only a matter of orientation.

So to have received such a gift - such a precious thing - is now quite disarming in that sharing that immeasurable experience is difficult for those who do not relate to the situation.

These puny words struggle to communicate such a love. Such a treasure.

My prayer would be that you have in your life just some of this wonderful legacy I am trying to share.

That you would experience a love that is beyond understanding.

I pray that God would do that for you. If you let Him.

Let Him.

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