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3. Harsh Reality

Updated: May 4, 2020


Sometimes reality is just too real.

Written Wednesday, September 18, 2019 / Day 37 / Afternoon


As is every day in grief so far - I do not know what to expect. After a particularly intense series of sessions on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were somewhat more stable. I wouldn’t call them upbeat - but there was a noticeable sense of “together” which when it shows up is really an event.


But then, sprinkled in those “together” moments were certain unexpected emotional moments. The contrast between the “together” moments and the harsher ones took me back a bit.


Could this just be another “way this is going to go”? Or was it just a bump in the road?


No one can really know - especially me.


But what they centered upon was this anguish about the loss.


On the endless list - it seems - of unresolvable items that need some type of resolution is the constant loop of what will never be fulfilled.


Having been stopped in our tracks so to speak by the diversion we thought was just a diversion but turned out to be a destination - a dead end (although I did not intend that to be a pun right now) - everything that had been in play is now ended.


The centerpiece of all this is of course losing my sweet Joann.


Then everything connected to her and I follows.


That’s not all so neat and tidy.


My mind was still in gear. Our patterns of life were still in motion. Plans were out there.

All of that now ended.


There is nowhere to go with a plan without the co-planner.


So these fragments of my pre-grief life keep emerging.


Emerging to taunt me that they are there but will never become a reality.


The clues are everywhere. Things we had bought, steps we had taken, goals identified.


And those clues are now like a 2 by 4 across the face.


Sorry - that’s not to be.


Nope, not that either.


Sure it would have been great - but are you going to pull that off on your own?


And so it goes.


Then I just plain miss her. I go through my logic routine…the tears come and I tell myself, just what part of this are you not getting?


The emotional part - that’s the part.


My analytical side has all of the logic problems well defined.


But this isn’t a software problem to be solved.


It is an emotional problem to be lived through.


I didn’t fall in love with her in a moment. Actually it was quite subtle. I was not even dealing with her initially in that context. We just met at the store when we were shopping and had really interesting conversations.


She was so witty - so was I. We were equals in that way.


Intellectually we matched as well from our unique perspectives.


And I have to say she was cute. And I never had a really serious conversation with someone like her.


She was not available so I enjoyed the encounters for all of they were worth.


The rest of that is another story.


So how does a relationship so deep and so long - and from my perspective - and so wonderful - end?


How do you settle it?


Tears apparently. Lots of them. There must be a better way.


I tell God, please make this something to strengthen me - make the love a foundation and not a weight of despair. That was not us. Can this not be so endlessly unbearable?


Time will tell I’m sure.


Until then, reality for me will have this harsh element. Beautiful memories or a person who I cannot comprehend living without.


Only He can unwrap this 47 year old connection in a loving and gently way. Only He can make it a strength and not a burden.


This I know He can do. And will do.


In His time it will be.

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