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3. Precious

Written Saturday January 18, 2020 / Day 159 / Afternoon

Of the many things that grief is - one of the constants is this pulling, tugging, clinging feeling to what is not. The loss is profound - the reality stark - the contention quite strong but in the end the unresolvable situation remains in the forefront - unresolvable while being unacceptable at the same time.

Since this is a situation that is neither predictable or manageable in the usual sense - the ongoing struggle is just plain exhausting.

I constantly ask the question “why” - fully knowing the answer. I ask it rhetorically I imagine - the absurdity of the present reality being quite obnoxious in it’s relentlessness.

Like trying to find that elusive puzzle piece I ask the question in the sense of expecting some type of answer.

The loss while being an event of titanic proportion leads to the aftermath of all the secondary losses. Some immediately visible while others have taken their time in appearing to remind me that they are also a part of the devastation.

The ongoing pattern of the past life - as flawed as it was on many levels - is now gone. All that was associated with that pattern also destroyed. The elimination of every aspect of what the previous life represented is an unending contention. Unending because what made life what it was - is now absent.

In that absence is now a void. Filled with the contentions and musings about the unresolvable.

That boogey man of the outsiders view of “moving on” a constant taunting.

They can not help but see the loss as recoverable. Even when they throw out a degree of affirmation, “Oh, that must be so difficult for them without…[whatever]” - the magnitude and effect the loss has on them is something they cannot (and dare I say would I want them to know) how overwhelming the situation actually is.

For me, I regularly weigh and measure the unmeasurable. It is a fruitless exercise I know but it’s like looking for something you have lost in the house. You go to all the reasonable places - but after a while you just start looking in crazy places because you can not comprehend the loss cannot be resolved.

This is the life of those of us in grief.

Today the theme of my musings is the reason I do not see any way to “move on”.

To me the concept says to embrace some type of life pattern, objective or activity.

My very being was inextricably tied to my dear sweetie. As I have written previously in many essays - she was not only a companion in my life - we were woven together with a bond that connected us at so many levels.

The cold-hard outlook on this would be that the person (me) needs to “move on” - get “used” to the loss and embrace “the future”.

For me my only response to that is - “wrong!”.

In the present state there can be no future without the one who was part of my reality in every way.

My connection was not one of association nor convenience or just endurance - it was an actual connection. It was spiritual - it was based on commitment and love and giving.

How to turn away from that legacy is the current mystery.

I do not see how I could do it. Even if I wanted to. Which I don’t.

There also is the issue of value in grief. We are witnesses to loss all the time.

Unfortunately the media brings a constant stream of drivel into our consciousness (when we let it). Amidst this stream of information is news on countless dire, awful and outright horrible losses. We react to these as the detached outsiders that we are. How could we react any differently?

While we are witnesses to these losses - their connection to us - emotionally - is quite distant. At times, empathy might well up in us for a particular story - but we have no deep reaction since these losses are not significant to us in any way.

What makes the loss significant is quite simple - how precious was the loss?

How much did the loss touch you in a personal way?

And the big one - how directly did the loss affect your day-to-day life - how intense was the loss of something so precious to you?

As I total up the grief I can quantify - the answer I arrive at is quite immense.

There is not a scale that I can use on which to measure the result.

I was blessed to have a relationship without peer - an irreplaceable relationship. I know that.

The loss of that relationship is continually devastating. How could it not be?

But what is the answer?

Well, roll out the time metaphors. And yes, as humans we do adapt to anything. We can see that in history, in biographies of peoples lives - and in our own lives in certain situations.

The answer is that despite our losses, we ultimately do adapt at some level.

Perhaps that will be the answer.

Because I do not know of any alternative. My prayers are for a future - a future that I cannot see nor comprehend.

Yet, I do have a crazy hope that keeps manifesting itself. It is there amidst all of the contention and wrangling that is going on and it beckons to me that there will be some new life.

We will see. Time will tell.

Until that time - I still hold on to that precious part of my life that I cannot let go of.

It will always be a part of me.

God will show me how that will work.

3. Precious

Written Saturday January 18, 2020 / Day 159 / Afternoon

Since this is a situation that is neither predictable or manageable in the usual sense - the ongoing struggle is just plain exhausting.

I constantly ask the question “why” - fully knowing the answer. I ask it rhetorically I imagine - the absurdity of the present reality being quite obnoxious in it’s relentlessness.

Like trying to find that elusive puzzle piece I ask the question in the sense of expecting some type of answer.

The loss while being an event of titanic proportion leads to the aftermath of all the secondary losses. Some immediately visible while others have taken their time in appearing to remind me that they are also a part of the devastation.

In that absence is now a void. Filled with the contentions and musings about the unresolvable.

That boogey man of the outsiders view of “moving on” a constant taunting.

This is the life of those of us in grief.

Today the theme of my musings is the reason I do not see any way to “move on”.

To me the concept says to embrace some type of life pattern, objective or activity.

My very being was inextricably tied to my dear sweetie. As I have written previously in many essays - she was not only a companion in my life - we were woven together with a bond that connected us at so many levels.

The cold-hard outlook on this would be that the person (me) needs to “move on” - get “used” to the loss and embrace “the future”.

For me my only response to that is - “wrong!”.

In the present state there can be no future without the one who was part of my reality in every way.

My connection was not one of association nor convenience or just endurance - it was an actual connection. It was spiritual - it was based on commitment and love and giving.

How to turn away from that legacy is the current mystery.

I do not see how I could do it. Even if I wanted to. Which I don’t.

There also is the issue of value in grief. We are witnesses to loss all the time.

Unfortunately the media brings a constant stream of drivel into our consciousness (when we let it). Amidst this stream of information is news on countless dire, awful and outright horrible losses. We react to these as the detached outsiders that we are. How could we react any differently?

While we are witnesses to these losses - their connection to us - emotionally - is quite distant. At times, empathy might well up in us for a particular story - but we have no deep reaction since these losses are not significant to us in any way.

What makes the loss significant is quite simple - how precious was the loss?

How much did the loss touch you in a personal way?

And the big one - how directly did the loss affect your day-to-day life - how intense was the loss of something so precious to you?

As I total up the grief I can quantify - the answer I arrive at is quite immense.

There is not a scale that I can use on which to measure the result.

I was blessed to have a relationship without peer - an irreplaceable relationship. I know that.

The loss of that relationship is continually devastating. How could it not be?

But what is the answer?

Well, roll out the time metaphors. And yes, as humans we do adapt to anything. We can see that in history, in biographies of peoples lives - and in our own lives in certain situations.

The answer is that despite our losses, we ultimately do adapt at some level.

Perhaps that will be the answer.

Because I do not know of any alternative. My prayers are for a future - a future that I cannot see nor comprehend.

Yet, I do have a crazy hope that keeps manifesting itself. It is there amidst all of the contention and wrangling that is going on and it beckons to me that there will be some new life.

We will see. Time will tell.

Until that time - I still hold on to that precious part of my life that I cannot let go of.

It will always be a part of me.

God will show me how that will work.

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