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3. Realizations

Written Tuesday, October 15, 2019 / Day 64 / Evening / Amherst, New York

I was sitting in my cramped airline seat on the way from my connection at Dulles airport to Buffalo when it struck me. Funny when you don’t see something right away. Well I never saw this coming.

My plan was always to go to Buffalo to see Joann’s mom and brother and visit the friends who could not join us in August. That’s what I though was happening.

Turns out the trip is really about me. Apart from Richmond, Virginia - the Western New York area was my home until we moved in 1987. It appears I am coming home to say goodbye to my wife through all of our dear friends who did not get the opportunity to do so in August.

As I checked into the hotel room - my idea was to try to treat the trip like a business trip. In a way that’s what it seemed like. I had not flown in recent years but the rhythm of air travel was not new to me. And my wife and I had never flown to Buffalo before so it seemed strange but not as strange.

Upon entering the room there was another realization.

A completely unanticipated yet in its own way a bit devastating.

This was a new Fairfield Inn built just a year or so ago. It was directly behind the Staybridge Inn we always stayed when traveling to Buffalo with the family each year.

For obvious reasons, I was not able to stay there - I knew exactly the room type I would get and having been the one my wife and I always had each year - that option was just unthinkable.

As a newer hotel, the Fairfield was very nice. They even gave me a room upgrade.

As I entered the room - the next realizations hit me.

Last year on our anniversary trip to western Virginia, there was a new Fairfield being built right across the way. We decided it would be perfect for our next year’s anniversary trip. Of course the reservation had to be cancelled - one of the many sorrows of my current life.

But as I entered this room - I thought - this is probably just like the one we would have been staying at for our anniversary. They were built around the same time frame. All I could think about was how much she would have liked it.

All the little touches - things we would have made a big deal about. But that was when we were together. Now I was alone.

This was a little too much for me to grasp so I had an immediate meltdown when I got into the room. And I lamented so THIS is what I am here for? I don’t want to even be here if that is the case. I didn’t know the emptiness could get ANY EMPTIER!!!

I tried to stop my breakdown but I couldn’t. The anguish, despair and emptiness just got the best of me. Oh yes, and throw in a little irony just for effect.

I had taken my eye off the grief ball...and grief got a goal.

As I regained my composure and settled myself a bit, the thoughts kept echoing…So I’m here in Buffalo for…me?

How could I have missed that? Here I thought I was doing it for others - certainly that was the intent. But now wrestling with the room - I wanted no part of any of it.

Although there was no exit plan - I was there for a week.

So a bit of rationality surfaced.

Looks like I need to have my moments with our closest friends. Not only to mourn my dear sweetie, but I imagine to mourn the future of our relationships. I hope they endure..at least I intend to keep my end up. But the dynamics of couple to couple becoming couple to single..well I’m not sure how that will play out into the future. Plus I’m not local - who knows what that will mean.

So There I sat in that very wonderful room telling myself this is the part of the new world and not to play the what if with the past game that only saddens and depresses me and provides no real help to my current situation.

I cry out to God for His strength..because I don’t know how I am doing and even how I have made it these last 64 days.

Then I do know the answer.

He has given me the strength. And I am here as an emissary of my new life. That one I do not want or plan on living or caring about. Oh right, that one.

I’m here to have closure and all that.

Well maybe. We’ll see. One day down. Six to go.

As unplanned as these next days are anything can happen.

At least I was able to fix my mother-in-laws cable TV in her rec room. I’m at least a hero in that regard. And I started to ask her a few things about my wife. I’ll continue that tomorrow and we’ll see where that takes us.

It’s amazing that I am here.

It adds to the surreal element that is now my life.

It’s difficult to get used to.

3. Realizations

Written Tuesday, October 15, 2019 / Day 64 / Evening / Amherst, New York

I was sitting in my cramped airline seat on the way from my connection at Dulles airport to Buffalo when it struck me. Funny when you don’t see something right away. Well I never saw this coming.

My plan was always to go to Buffalo to see Joann’s mom and brother and visit the friends who could not join us in August. That’s what I though was happening.

Turns out the trip is really about me. Apart from Richmond, Virginia - the Western New York area was my home until we moved in 1987. It appears I am coming home to say goodbye to my wife through all of our dear friends who did not get the opportunity to do so in August.

Upon entering the room there was another realization.

A completely unanticipated yet in its own way a bit devastating.

This was a new Fairfield Inn built just a year or so ago. It was directly behind the Staybridge Inn we always stayed when traveling to Buffalo with the family each year.

For obvious reasons, I was not able to stay there - I knew exactly the room type I would get and having been the one my wife and I always had each year - that option was just unthinkable.

As a newer hotel, the Fairfield was very nice. They even gave me a room upgrade.

As I entered the room - the next realizations hit me.

Last year on our anniversary trip to western Virginia, there was a new Fairfield being built right across the way. We decided it would be perfect for our next year’s anniversary trip. Of course the reservation had to be cancelled - one of the many sorrows of my current life.

But as I entered this room - I thought - this is probably just like the one we would have been staying at for our anniversary. They were built around the same time frame. All I could think about was how much she would have liked it.

All the little touches - things we would have made a big deal about. But that was when we were together. Now I was alone.

This was a little too much for me to grasp so I had an immediate meltdown when I got into the room. And I lamented so THIS is what I am here for? I don’t want to even be here if that is the case. I didn’t know the emptiness could get ANY EMPTIER!!!

I tried to stop my breakdown but I couldn’t. The anguish, despair and emptiness just got the best of me. Oh yes, and throw in a little irony just for effect.

I had taken my eye off the grief ball...and grief got a goal.

As I regained my composure and settled myself a bit, the thoughts kept echoing…So I’m here in Buffalo for…me?

How could I have missed that? Here I thought I was doing it for others - certainly that was the intent. But now wrestling with the room - I wanted no part of any of it.

Although there was no exit plan - I was there for a week.

So a bit of rationality surfaced.

So There I sat in that very wonderful room telling myself this is the part of the new world and not to play the what if with the past game that only saddens and depresses me and provides no real help to my current situation.

I cry out to God for His strength..because I don’t know how I am doing and even how I have made it these last 64 days.

Then I do know the answer.

He has given me the strength. And I am here as an emissary of my new life. That one I do not want or plan on living or caring about. Oh right, that one.

I’m here to have closure and all that.

Well maybe. We’ll see. One day down. Six to go.

As unplanned as these next days are anything can happen.

At least I was able to fix my mother-in-laws cable TV in her rec room. I’m at least a hero in that regard. And I started to ask her a few things about my wife. I’ll continue that tomorrow and we’ll see where that takes us.

It’s amazing that I am here.

It adds to the surreal element that is now my life.

It’s difficult to get used to.

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