3. Settled

Written Sunday, November 17, 2019 / Day 97 / Midnight

Revelations about the journey of grief may come at any time. This evening I thought it was because I had too much caffeinated tea before bed. It turns out that tonight was to be another one of those defining moments.

It started as I was assessing my relationship with my wife. I have been recently focused on the beginnings. That exercise has brought me a bit of comfort.

I was afraid though, that because those early times of our love were so invigorating because of all that they had meant to us - my return to the present might give me with a “hangover”.

Only because the end of our relationship was certainly not as pleasant as the start.

As I was looking back at so many aspects of our recent experiences - even going back to when we were forced by corporate re-location to come to Richmond, I was thinking about so many different situations.

I had to stop myself at one point with the same declaration I had made about re-living the final weeks that I had already re-lived too much.

Stop.

Stop doing that.

For one thing I was slipping into speculation about this situation or that - or my attitude about something or her attitude about something. I realized - what was I doing? I was speculating - I did not know. And so what was the point?

Whatever I thought should have been and wasn’t and whatever she was facing and didn’t really reveal to me were all things I could not know. So because of that - I started to get upset.

Upset about nothing. Because in reality I had nothing but speculation to go on.

I went through everything I was exploring and then declared - after this night - those speculations are over. Done. Finished. Let’s move on to our real bonafide grief that is right in front of us. The topics that are real.

I do not have any regrets about the past. Or guilt. Sure there were disappointment that I inflicted on her and I know she inflicted on me. Our relationship was like everyone’s relationship. There were issues, contentions and the lot.

What I tried to always tell her was that the love I had for her was in no way connected to the day to day issues of our flesh. I know she didn’t see that - she seemed to think that they were more directly connected. That if I loved her so much - there wouldn’t be those irritations and issues.

Well in one sense perhaps. But in our sense - as far as I was concerned - they did not connect. My love transcended the static of the moment. The clutter of our selfish flesh that is always fighting our spirits.

What I realized then is that some of the peace I have mildly felt in a few areas recently - has been the result of me becoming settled in the reality of that element.

I have, from the beginning, used my “Grief logic routine” as I have called it. I go through it to remind myself that she was prepared in some way for what happened. She is at peace now. God made the decision. She is awaiting the resurrection. She was ok with all of that.

This - at one level - seems to settle me in one way. Of course I’m still out of my mind in love with her. And off the charts with the absurdity of me being alone here by myself and feeling quite inadequate to go forward. There’s that.

But there have also been other aspects that have become a bit less in turmoil and a bit more settled.

Take God’s decision and it’s ramifications.

The fact that He wants me here. Obviously because I am here.

I am now a single person. A tough one to wrap my head around - but one that is a reality.

And that there is something He has in store for me to do. While I struggle with that one - I know it is true at some level.

These things are becoming a little more settled.

So I see the pattern emerging. The trauma, the tears and sessions with grief - are taking me to a more settled place through the reviews and emotional trips I have been making.

Actually the trip to Buffalo - that was a tremendous exercise in settling a lot of things. I’m not sure what they all are - but I know they are there. And they are becoming settled.

I see some of this in the decrease in intensity of the grief in the past few weeks.

When I walk into the house now - it does not bite like it used to. I just come in, announce to the empty house, “I’m home!!…” like we used to do and then go about the tasks at hand.

There is now - no longer the struggle that used to be a part of coming home.

So becoming settled is now the biggest indicator of progress in my surreal life.

It’s nothing that can be measured - only observed. So I’ll be watching.

I’m very grateful that I now have a bigger clue to what is happening.

And that I am ever closer to the destination God has in store for me.