3. Sleeping

4 min read

Written Sunday, December 15, 2019 / Day 125 / Late Afternoon

Growing up I remember being the best sleeper. When my head hit that pillow it was all over until the morning. It was a straight shot through to the next day.

As we pile on the miles through the years a new reality emerges. Sleep becomes a little more involved.

For me it was the gradual change in the time I “had” to go to bed or else face a following day of struggling to stay together.

Over the years that time kept inching further and further backwards. Midnight for a long time, then 11:30, 11:00 pm - that threshold just kept moving on.

And if that wasn’t bad enough - there were times that sleep would be interrupted. Either by bodily functions or just a moment of surfacing for some reason before diving back to resume the trip.

Sleep then, became more of an art that it used to be.

We were dealing with those realities as a couple as our lives moved on. Once the new realities of cancer appeared - there was a new wrinkle. Some of it - initially not particularly caused by the cancer itself - but man’s medicine. The solution unfortunately to cut out offending segments of the body and permanently disrupt others to achieve their goals.

Thanks so much for your help - but now I’m damaged in a new way. Right, but at least you are still alive - medicine might say.

All that to say that sleep became a greater challenge going forward. We needed more of it. My sweetie needed more of it. I always told her she wasn’t a farmer’s wife (and fortunately I am not a farmer!). Her engines would kick in later in the day.

I told her that her bodily clock was set at the factory and it wasn’t set in the traditional cycle. Her mother would say that even as a toddler - she had trouble going to sleep and would be wide awake in the wee hours of the night. Those factory settings were certainly different.

As we navigated through the years coping with the direction we were going - after the horrid - unexpected months of 2015 when the worst of the worst pain came and miraculously finding by the fall that the rampaging cancer encountered in April had vanished from the CT scans.

We rejoiced in that time - and hobbled back to a semblance of a pattern of life. Now older and her somewhat damaged from 2 surgeries that had left much more damage than relief.

So as the caregiver during those tumultuous times - I constantly remember - in those rare moments like now where I dare venture back - that the most comforting moments for me was when my sweetie was sleeping.

I was strengthened by the sound of her gentle sleep - free for the moment with contending with whatever the issue of that moment would be. My prayers would be that each comforting breath I heard would strengthen her. It was always my prayer.

When it was clear - to me, and I know I was the only one who saw the coming trajectory - that we were headed to the worst place I ever wanted to go - those times of her at rest were my times of peace and comfort. Writing about this right now is more difficult than I imagined - but this needs to be written.

What I am about to write is a result of what God had given us in our 24 years of Bible Study together. She was a voracious Bible reader and had multiple versions of the Bible by her spot on the kitchen table (all of which are there and will remain there for the immediate future that I am around), We talked and talked and God strengthened both of us throughout those years with each other and His word.

As I have mentioned in previous essays, the Bible (not denominations, nor Christian culture) tells us that those who have died are “asleep”. Jesus Himself refers to death as sleeping as does Paul in 1 Thessalonians 4:16 and other passages as well.

Death is so terrible - and those of us in grief will tell you - that we needed a Savior and though His death and resurrection - we have the victory over death that we long for in this life but will not yet see the fullness of that victory until His return.

In the meantime, as Jesus told the man who’s daughter had died (Matthew 9:24), “The girl is not dead, but asleep.” Our precious loved ones are awaiting their moment just like my dear sweetie is awaiting hers (read 1 Thessalonians 4:16).

I was privileged to be with my sweetheart when God took over for me. She was aware of all of this. She was strong in her belief - apprehensive as we all would be having to go down that path - just as she knew Jesus was as He carried that cross to its destination.

I was able to embrace her - knowing that at that moment she fell asleep and was no longer contending with what the awful, broken world made her endure - the sin that is at the root of all that is in this broken place.

And now - in a strange and comforting way - I know she is all right. She is in the hands of the one she gave her life to - the best hands that any of us can be in.

We will share in His glory so unfortunately in this life we will have to share in His suffering. She experienced that suffering. I am experiencing that suffering. You the reader, I am sad to say are also experiencing it for the time being.

But my heart is lifted - even though it is profoundly crumpled and in pieces at the moment - that despite all the suffering I now face - that she is at rest. Awaiting that day when God’s plan will continue and all of us will continue in that incredible plan.

Until then even though I am a mess more often than I want to be. My hope is as strong as it can be. Because my sweetie is alright until I see her again - see her again on that great day.

She is now at rest.

She is sleeping.

3. Sleeping

Written Sunday, December 15, 2019 / Day 125 / Late Afternoon

Growing up I remember being the best sleeper. When my head hit that pillow it was all over until the morning. It was a straight shot through to the next day.

As we pile on the miles through the years a new reality emerges. Sleep becomes a little more involved.

For me it was the gradual change in the time I “had” to go to bed or else face a following day of struggling to stay together.

Over the years that time kept inching further and further backwards. Midnight for a long time, then 11:30, 11:00 pm - that threshold just kept moving on.

And if that wasn’t bad enough - there were times that sleep would be interrupted. Either by bodily functions or just a moment of surfacing for some reason before diving back to resume the trip.

Sleep then, became more of an art that it used to be.

Thanks so much for your help - but now I’m damaged in a new way. Right, but at least you are still alive - medicine might say.

All that to say that sleep became a greater challenge going forward. We needed more of it. My sweetie needed more of it. I always told her she wasn’t a farmer’s wife (and fortunately I am not a farmer!). Her engines would kick in later in the day.

I told her that her bodily clock was set at the factory and it wasn’t set in the traditional cycle. Her mother would say that even as a toddler - she had trouble going to sleep and would be wide awake in the wee hours of the night. Those factory settings were certainly different.

As we navigated through the years coping with the direction we were going - after the horrid - unexpected months of 2015 when the worst of the worst pain came and miraculously finding by the fall that the rampaging cancer encountered in April had vanished from the CT scans.

We rejoiced in that time - and hobbled back to a semblance of a pattern of life. Now older and her somewhat damaged from 2 surgeries that had left much more damage than relief.

So as the caregiver during those tumultuous times - I constantly remember - in those rare moments like now where I dare venture back - that the most comforting moments for me was when my sweetie was sleeping.

I was strengthened by the sound of her gentle sleep - free for the moment with contending with whatever the issue of that moment would be. My prayers would be that each comforting breath I heard would strengthen her. It was always my prayer.

As I have mentioned in previous essays, the Bible (not denominations, nor Christian culture) tells us that those who have died are “asleep”. Jesus Himself refers to death as sleeping as does Paul in 1 Thessalonians 4:16 and other passages as well.

Death is so terrible - and those of us in grief will tell you - that we needed a Savior and though His death and resurrection - we have the victory over death that we long for in this life but will not yet see the fullness of that victory until His return.

In the meantime, as Jesus told the man who’s daughter had died (Matthew 9:24), “The girl is not dead, but asleep.” Our precious loved ones are awaiting their moment just like my dear sweetie is awaiting hers (read 1 Thessalonians 4:16).

I was privileged to be with my sweetheart when God took over for me. She was aware of all of this. She was strong in her belief - apprehensive as we all would be having to go down that path - just as she knew Jesus was as He carried that cross to its destination.

I was able to embrace her - knowing that at that moment she fell asleep and was no longer contending with what the awful, broken world made her endure - the sin that is at the root of all that is in this broken place.

And now - in a strange and comforting way - I know she is all right. She is in the hands of the one she gave her life to - the best hands that any of us can be in.

We will share in His glory so unfortunately in this life we will have to share in His suffering. She experienced that suffering. I am experiencing that suffering. You the reader, I am sad to say are also experiencing it for the time being.

But my heart is lifted - even though it is profoundly crumpled and in pieces at the moment - that despite all the suffering I now face - that she is at rest. Awaiting that day when God’s plan will continue and all of us will continue in that incredible plan.

Until then even though I am a mess more often than I want to be. My hope is as strong as it can be. Because my sweetie is alright until I see her again - see her again on that great day.

She is now at rest.

She is sleeping.

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