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4. Birth Pains

Written Monday January 20, 2020 / Day 161 / Late Morning

As the second week of the symbolic new life that has started unfolds - the usual mix of conflicting emotions has a new wrinkle. Ever since that January 12th moment where I was unmistakably made aware of the significance of the day (Read “Newness” - Essay 19 in Volume 5) - amidst the boiling emotions of my daily life there seems to be a mildly perceptible change in the landscape.

It is direction.

The direction of my life has changed.

Now the change is tiny - smaller than small in one sense. But I have detected a change in the constant emotional upheavals of that first week since January 12th..

There were many and they were quite constant. Part of the emotional fabric changing? Possibly. But something is changing.

This week after an unusually contentious Saturday, Sunday was greeted with the new reality - part 2. Much more uplifting and encouraging. Still empty though - but different.

In the clinical - unemotional view - living on past grief means embracing the future and reconciling that the loss is really not a part of the future. It can’t be - what was lost is - lost. There is nothing to take there.

As I know - my biggest recurring aspect of life is that I cannot comprehend how to live any semblance of a life without my dear sweetie as a part of that future. It is a non-negotiable element of my current existence. I just will not accept that reality.

Well, reality has another opinion. It is, after all, reality. And it has a convincing argument to make - you cannot fight me.

You just can’t.

Reality says, I am what I am. And sorry about this, but your loss is no longer a part of me.

Deal with it.

Ouch.

That reality - it is so real.

And undesirable. And unwanted. But it certainly is consistent. It has no choice.

And in my mind neither do I.

Greeting card companies and concerned friends and acquaintances will tell you that you at least have your memories. Sure, right, it sounds like something.

Often to me, they just seem like empty calories. But hey, they are calories at least.

I have been a frequent visitor to the past. In writing the family history I must travel there quite regularly. It is a peaceful trip…until I have to come back.

Today a new revelation takes me beyond memories. It has always been there but not quite identified in this way.

I was on the telephone with a friend yesterday and mentioned that I hear my wife in certain situations. Not in a message from “beyond”. If you have read any of the past essays - you know I do not believe in that possibility.

One of the many understandings of “death” that we really do not understand. But that is a different topic.

No it is not her communicating with me. It is actually something more profound as I have come to understand.

She actually became part of me. We always bantered a bit when we were together. That was the dynamics between us - our personalities were not the same - but the bond we had and the love it represented was beyond any transitory human issues that would surface.

We knew each other at a deep level. We were fused together - bonded and blended.

As I struggle with the concept of “leaving” something behind, reality comes along and gives me my daily slap in the face.

Hello? Reality says…she’s not here - okay? Don’t you get it? Hello?

To which I say, “Get lost.”

Today’s revelation though adds a pretty significant wrinkle to the story.

Yes, she is no longer here. I know why and I have always accepted the fact it was God’s decision. We both did know that and had even talked about it often in the weeks prior to the new reality.

But what is here is the part of me that contains a part of her. These are not memories, per se. These are patterns of thought - her essence that had become over time, part of mine. And it is a part of me.

This goes beyond memories.

This is actually how she thought.

Now my personality is mine. Hers was hers. But over those 47 years we blended. We did become one in a sense.

That element of her in me is what I have.

A great gift. One I had with me all the time. The part of her that I love will always be a part of me in this life.

Next time reality comes by, we’ll have to have a talk.

So I can clue it in on the greatest gift I now possess. The gift of the best of her that is a part of me - the part that will go with me - wherever I go.

Especially into this new life that is beginning to unfold in front of me.

4. Birth Pains

Written Monday January 20, 2020 / Day 161 / Late Morning

It is direction.

The direction of my life has changed.

Now the change is tiny - smaller than small in one sense. But I have detected a change in the constant emotional upheavals of that first week since January 12th..

There were many and they were quite constant. Part of the emotional fabric changing? Possibly. But something is changing.

This week after an unusually contentious Saturday, Sunday was greeted with the new reality - part 2. Much more uplifting and encouraging. Still empty though - but different.

In the clinical - unemotional view - living on past grief means embracing the future and reconciling that the loss is really not a part of the future. It can’t be - what was lost is - lost. There is nothing to take there.

As I know - my biggest recurring aspect of life is that I cannot comprehend how to live any semblance of a life without my dear sweetie as a part of that future. It is a non-negotiable element of my current existence. I just will not accept that reality.

Well, reality has another opinion. It is, after all, reality. And it has a convincing argument to make - you cannot fight me.

You just can’t.

Reality says, I am what I am. And sorry about this, but your loss is no longer a part of me.

Deal with it.

Ouch.

That reality - it is so real.

And undesirable. And unwanted. But it certainly is consistent. It has no choice.

And in my mind neither do I.

Greeting card companies and concerned friends and acquaintances will tell you that you at least have your memories. Sure, right, it sounds like something.

Often to me, they just seem like empty calories. But hey, they are calories at least.

I have been a frequent visitor to the past. In writing the family history I must travel there quite regularly. It is a peaceful trip…until I have to come back.

Today a new revelation takes me beyond memories. It has always been there but not quite identified in this way.

I was on the telephone with a friend yesterday and mentioned that I hear my wife in certain situations. Not in a message from “beyond”. If you have read any of the past essays - you know I do not believe in that possibility.

One of the many understandings of “death” that we really do not understand. But that is a different topic.

No it is not her communicating with me. It is actually something more profound as I have come to understand.

She actually became part of me. We always bantered a bit when we were together. That was the dynamics between us - our personalities were not the same - but the bond we had and the love it represented was beyond any transitory human issues that would surface.

We knew each other at a deep level. We were fused together - bonded and blended.

As I struggle with the concept of “leaving” something behind, reality comes along and gives me my daily slap in the face.

Hello? Reality says…she’s not here - okay? Don’t you get it? Hello?

To which I say, “Get lost.”

Today’s revelation though adds a pretty significant wrinkle to the story.

Yes, she is no longer here. I know why and I have always accepted the fact it was God’s decision. We both did know that and had even talked about it often in the weeks prior to the new reality.

But what is here is the part of me that contains a part of her. These are not memories, per se. These are patterns of thought - her essence that had become over time, part of mine. And it is a part of me.

This goes beyond memories.

This is actually how she thought.

Now my personality is mine. Hers was hers. But over those 47 years we blended. We did become one in a sense.

That element of her in me is what I have.

A great gift. One I had with me all the time. The part of her that I love will always be a part of me in this life.

Next time reality comes by, we’ll have to have a talk.

So I can clue it in on the greatest gift I now possess. The gift of the best of her that is a part of me - the part that will go with me - wherever I go.

Especially into this new life that is beginning to unfold in front of me.

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