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4. Frozen in Time

Updated: May 4, 2020

Timeless in the worst way.

Written Wednesday, August 28, 2019 / Day 16 / Evening


One of the aspects that I have found in my grief experience is the loss of a context of time. Sure there are days, and hours as normal - but in every other way - everything about my life has stopped.


Nothing coming up on the schedule - nothing to get ready for - nothing at all. As the days pass though I do sense that we are advancing through time - yet for me personally - I have nowhere to go - nothing to do - nor do I really even care about any of that.


Now there are the tasks that need to be done - a quick shopping trip, an errand to the post office, etc. but these are just little things that require attention. As far as plans go - there just aren't any.


In my case I did everything with my wife - and now that I am alone - for the moment my attitude is what's the point?


After the flurry of the first two weeks - it was quite an intense set of duties related to the arrangements and service - setting up things and working through them.


Now that it is all past - there really isn't anything I care to do - nor do I have the inclination to want to do anything at all. Mainly because I don't have the energy to focus on anything other than an obligation - but anything beyond the basics, eating, laundry, etc. there just isn't any way anything extra CAN happen.


The experience of death is so misunderstood by everyone - and the closer you are to ground zero - the more intense the loss will be. If your day-to-day life is inextricably linked to another person and that person is no longer there - well, what can you really expect?


The loss is profound. And depending upon the intensity of the relationship, the depth of it, the meaning of it - any activity outside of that construct is just not possible. The loss is just too great.


That is where I am.


I cannot entertain the thought of doing anything I used to do with my wife - without her. Just the thought of some of those things is too intense to bear. So as a result - none of those things will be happening.


My thinking is that everything will be different. That's fine on one level - but practically it means nothing will be happening.


And actually I do not want to do anything right now anyway.


Nor do I have the energy to marshal for anything.


I've mentally had some days plotted out, do this, then that, then another thing.


But in reality when the time comes I just say, "never mind." And I just do nothing.


After all there is no schedule now - once the obligatory things are done - the notifications, the settling of arrangements - there just isn't anything requiring attention.


Because moving forward would mean there is a purpose, a reason to move forward - and right now - there is no future without the biggest part of my past.


So I choose nothing.


It is a time of healing.


Thankfully I don't have anyone telling me to get going (yet). If I get any of that I will be gracious but politely continue on doing nothing.


There will be a point at which that will change - I'm just not going to put a date on the calendar...yet.


In my case - I was also a caregiver for 4+ years. A constant state of service - to the exclusion of any of my interests as a rule - there was really very little for me - it was all focused on her. (And gladly provided mind you - there is no remorse on that.)


But the absence of that sustained pressure coupled with the closeness of our relationship and the loss there - has just overloaded my capacity to operate.


So each day is on its own. The day will take me to what it needs to take me.


And I am not going to push - at all. And no one will be able to make me because I won't. It just hurts too much at the moment.


Now there will be things on the schedule - joining my son's family for a week at the beach. Perhaps a seminar on writing to help with grief after we return.


But there is not a real plan.


How can there be plan without the person who was everything to me. How can there be?


There just can't be right now.


There is a certain energy needed to have a conversation - to engage people and right now that energy is not present.


I'm not saying I will never do anything - I'm just saying for the foreseeable future there won't be anything.


We'll see what tomorrow brings.


I know my sweetie won't be there - and until I can see a future without her - tomorrow is just a concept I know I'll someday embrace when it's time.

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