4. Larger than Life

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Written Friday, October 18, 2019 / Day 67 / Morning / Dictated in Whole Foods Parking Lot, Amherst, New York

This morning was a morning of touring. I had some time so the thought struck me to go revisit some of the significant places of our lives since being “home” has brought me to the beginnings of our lives together.

I drove around and methodically went to both the places that were part of my life as well as the places that were significant to my wife and I.

The seed of this idea occurred to me when on the way to see friends. On my way I passed the street where my wife and I had our first apartment together. That’s when it became obvious that I was not here to only see my mother-in-law, brother-in-law and our dear friends. I was here to revisit my life and where everything began.

The following day I made a special trip back to that first apartment on Newell Avenue - the one where I helped her move in to and then made the decision to never leave her - in distress or alone.

I have been increasingly drawn to the beginnings of our relationship. Despite the fact that they were traumatic and stressful in their own way I have been drawn to those days since they replay that incredible love God gave me for her and all that it means to me. Of the few things that bring me actual comfort these days - this reminiscing seems to provide moments of stability in the midst of the recollections of those days.

For my family - I know these things are of little value - or emotional connection. I wish they could be but really how could they be?

That is why writing seems to also bring moments of comfort. For what cannot be understood from experience can at least be told as a story. A story I would pray would become meaningful to them - and to anyone else who might be interested.

So as I was about to turn the corner on to the street I was surprised to find barricades and equipment in the street with large barriers proclaiming ‘ROAD CLOSED”.

This is the first time I laughed out loud that I can remember. The absurdity of the situation just struck me - at least it was humorous and not sad.

So I went down to the next street and tried to see if I could approach it from the other way. It was also closed and there was just enough in the way that I could not make out the building. The street was all torn up.

Oh well, at least I tried.

Next I went back to our first house - the one we ended up living in for 11 years before we had to move away. I had seen it through Google street view where you can just about go to any address.

August 28, 2019 was the 32nd anniversary of our leaving Buffalo and arriving in Richmond, Virginia.

Then I went back to the street where I grew up. It was right around the corner from the the store where my mother had her part-time job. The store where I would first meet my future wife at the age of 8. Of course at that time she was a girl and they weren’t all that interesting.

I actually developed a relationship with her brother and over the years we’d pal around when he came to the store and his parents would let him come over to my house for a few hours.

So I turned down the street and was quite shocked at the way everything looked.

Perhaps you’ve had the experience of going back to childhood locations and feeling that things were smaller than you remembered. The streets were not as wide, the houses not that big. The surroundings seemingly shrunk over the years.

Well on my former street it was stunning how small everything looked! The street was so narrow! The houses so small and close together! Actually the street itself was not even as long as I remember it being. Amazing. How is that possible?

Apparently memories are larger than life.

As a child our worlds are quite small. We are limited to our surroundings. As such, even that small size of our world to us at that point is actually huge. It is all we had. Since our worlds then were so small - it makes a bit of sense that everything in our world would seem large - we really had no comparison as a child to know it was so small.

Then as an adult - your world has expanded exponentially. All of your experiences have made your world quite large. No wonder our past then, turns out to be so small. The past we remember is larger than life.

As I continued on through the various locations - there were remnants of a few, reminders of others - and many replaced by progress.

As I finished my tour - I reflected that this is all for me. No one would really care about any of this. The thought echos in my mind - that’s why you are here. You need to take inventory of your life, see the past and remember the best of those times.

So as day four continues, I will be meeting two couples today at a place where we all gathered on past trips. All of us.

Except one.

I’m grateful that for some reason, the weight of all of this is not immediately present.

I will enjoy the group and receive their comfort and love.

Then return to my mother-in-law. It’s difficult for her to go anywhere so we will spend the afternoon together before I meet others for dinner.

I am surprised at how much I am doing. At home I don’t have the stamina these days. Here I know I am getting extra help.

The surreal trip continues.

4. Larger than Life

Written Friday, October 18, 2019 / Day 67 / Morning / Dictated in Whole Foods Parking Lot, Amherst, New York

This morning was a morning of touring. I had some time so the thought struck me to go revisit some of the significant places of our lives since being “home” has brought me to the beginnings of our lives together.

I drove around and methodically went to both the places that were part of my life as well as the places that were significant to my wife and I.

The following day I made a special trip back to that first apartment on Newell Avenue - the one where I helped her move in to and then made the decision to never leave her - in distress or alone.

For my family - I know these things are of little value - or emotional connection. I wish they could be but really how could they be?

That is why writing seems to also bring moments of comfort. For what cannot be understood from experience can at least be told as a story. A story I would pray would become meaningful to them - and to anyone else who might be interested.

So as I was about to turn the corner on to the street I was surprised to find barricades and equipment in the street with large barriers proclaiming ‘ROAD CLOSED”.

This is the first time I laughed out loud that I can remember. The absurdity of the situation just struck me - at least it was humorous and not sad.

So I went down to the next street and tried to see if I could approach it from the other way. It was also closed and there was just enough in the way that I could not make out the building. The street was all torn up.

Oh well, at least I tried.

Next I went back to our first house - the one we ended up living in for 11 years before we had to move away. I had seen it through Google street view where you can just about go to any address.

August 28, 2019 was the 32nd anniversary of our leaving Buffalo and arriving in Richmond, Virginia.

Then I went back to the street where I grew up. It was right around the corner from the the store where my mother had her part-time job. The store where I would first meet my future wife at the age of 8. Of course at that time she was a girl and they weren’t all that interesting.

I actually developed a relationship with her brother and over the years we’d pal around when he came to the store and his parents would let him come over to my house for a few hours.

So I turned down the street and was quite shocked at the way everything looked.

Perhaps you’ve had the experience of going back to childhood locations and feeling that things were smaller than you remembered. The streets were not as wide, the houses not that big. The surroundings seemingly shrunk over the years.

Well on my former street it was stunning how small everything looked! The street was so narrow! The houses so small and close together! Actually the street itself was not even as long as I remember it being. Amazing. How is that possible?

Apparently memories are larger than life.

Then as an adult - your world has expanded exponentially. All of your experiences have made your world quite large. No wonder our past then, turns out to be so small. The past we remember is larger than life.

As I continued on through the various locations - there were remnants of a few, reminders of others - and many replaced by progress.

As I finished my tour - I reflected that this is all for me. No one would really care about any of this. The thought echos in my mind - that’s why you are here. You need to take inventory of your life, see the past and remember the best of those times.

So as day four continues, I will be meeting two couples today at a place where we all gathered on past trips. All of us.

Except one.

I’m grateful that for some reason, the weight of all of this is not immediately present.

I will enjoy the group and receive their comfort and love.

Then return to my mother-in-law. It’s difficult for her to go anywhere so we will spend the afternoon together before I meet others for dinner.

I am surprised at how much I am doing. At home I don’t have the stamina these days. Here I know I am getting extra help.

The surreal trip continues.

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