4. Neutrality

Featured on "Facing Grief - The Podcast" August 26, 2020.

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Written Monday, November 18, 2019 / Day 98 / Late Morning

Usually neutrality is sort of boring. After all it represents - well, nothing at all. That is why It is so of boring. It is neither one way or the other - it is in the middle. Firmly in the middle with nary a trace of either side that it could be. Think of the space between the double yellow lines on the roadway. That’s the proverbial “middle of the road”.

Being neutral is like that.

In the state of grief though, neutrally is really something. I never really caught this until I experienced it.

You can act like you are scared - as actors try to do - or you could actually be facing a life threatening situation and really be scared.

In the state of grief we are dealing with real and powerful forces. They manifest themselves in the most extreme emotions you have ever experienced in your life.

Yes, and I mean ever.

It is the difference between acting scared and being scared.

Once inside - you see that a lot of your prior emotions while powerful in their own way, powerful in the extreme situations you may have faced in your prior life - are no match for what you now experience in the world of grief.

Intensity on a scale you never dreamed of. And really, how could you? In those days we reacted that way but as normal humans. In grief you are in a different place. A place where your world is magnified - and not in a good way.

No the superlatives of good do not apply in grief. There is no good there. There is no love, joy, peace - nothing of good report.

The closest we get to good in grief - is neutral.

For you see, in the state of grief any cessation of the intensity, despair, loneliness, emptiness - any relief from it - that relief is a welcome change.

A refreshing change.

Because the atmosphere becomes calm. Not because the storm has passed but because there is a lull in the storm.

And that lull - is neutrality.

I first experienced it after a period of extreme intensity. Intensity is what we normally experience and that’s really saying a lot.

Intensity of anything is an experience. In the state of grief, however, extreme intensity is normal.

After that period of intensity I felt strange. Strange because there had been a constant and unyielding undercurrent of all that grief has to offer. It’s like that all hits radio station - but it is grief that is picking the songs - and they are all downers.

It was such a strange feeling - to actually have no feeling.

What was this? I mused. This is certainly not normal because there is always something playing. But right now - for the moment - there is nothing.

Wow.

Welcome to neutrality.

And boy, was nothing ever more welcome. It was an oasis in the desert of painful emotions.

A rest area on the highway to despair. It was refreshing.

Dare I say - almost positive.

But it wasn’t - it was just neutral.

And that is fine for now.

In recent weeks I have experienced a discernible reduction in the intensity of my grief sessions. They do not grip me like a dog playing with its stuffed toy anymore. They bite for sure - and all the accompanying worst that grief can offer is still present.

But it’s just not a pot at full boil lately.

It’s a slow simmer with an occasional uptick in intensity.

That is a welcome change.

Who knows, maybe I’ll be able to inch past neutrality at some future point.

Stick my toe into the other side. I can dream.

Dream that one day neutrality will just be a waypoint as I emerge in the future that is awaiting me.