2 min read

4. Tears

Written Friday, September 20, 2019 / Day 39 / Afternoon

Tears are the by product of grief. They regularly flow and as I have come to learn are not something to be afraid of.

Looking back to my pre-grief life, that was not the case. I was afraid of tears.

Somehow, in our culture, tears are a sign of weakness. Something to be pitied. Tsk, tsk, they might say, look at how emotional they are.

Yet as I am learning, tears are the result of our grief.

For me, they come quite regularly but not on any schedule.

They come as I am reflecting on something - during that time <bam> there they are.

This week, it seems they are a result of my mourning for my lost future with my dear wife. The plans we had, the things we had been anticipating for so long.

The logic impasse is foreboding to me. The plans were there - now she is not. But here I am, with all the plans and artifacts of the plans all around me.

It is hard to know how this will change.

I am not letting her go perhaps - and the elements of life that are a part of our shared dreams are hard to ignore. Their power right now is immense.

None of that is going to happen so I have to be ok with that.

Bit I’m not.

But I have to be.

But I’m not.

And so it goes. The tennis match of thought continues.

I want to be settled in her peace, the end of suffering - that she was all right with what was coming.

My love for her is a constant in my life - how does that change without her here?

To those on the other side of grief, it boils down to getting on with things, moving to the future.

But for me, right now, a future without her is just plain undesirable. It is nothing to be looking forward to.

Because I can’t look forward.

So the tears continue to flow.

How does this precious relationship now ended have a resolution on my side? I can’t end it - I won’t end it. The relationship IS me. It defines me. And any new definition that does not include her in it is no definition I really want, thank you.

Then more tears.

The road to the future then will be a wet one. And for that I am not going to complain.

I want to tell everyone how the tears are not a problem. That we should share them.

Perhaps I will need to demonstrate that as I go forward. It won’t be difficult to do. There are plenty of them to go around.

4. Tears

Written Friday, September 20, 2019 / Day 39 / Afternoon

Tears are the by product of grief. They regularly flow and as I have come to learn are not something to be afraid of.

Looking back to my pre-grief life, that was not the case. I was afraid of tears.

Somehow, in our culture, tears are a sign of weakness. Something to be pitied. Tsk, tsk, they might say, look at how emotional they are.

Yet as I am learning, tears are the result of our grief.

For me, they come quite regularly but not on any schedule.

They come as I am reflecting on something - during that time <bam> there they are.

This week, it seems they are a result of my mourning for my lost future with my dear wife. The plans we had, the things we had been anticipating for so long.

The logic impasse is foreboding to me. The plans were there - now she is not. But here I am, with all the plans and artifacts of the plans all around me.

It is hard to know how this will change.

I am not letting her go perhaps - and the elements of life that are a part of our shared dreams are hard to ignore. Their power right now is immense.

None of that is going to happen so I have to be ok with that.

Bit I’m not.

But I have to be.

But I’m not.

And so it goes. The tennis match of thought continues.

I want to be settled in her peace, the end of suffering - that she was all right with what was coming.

My love for her is a constant in my life - how does that change without her here?

To those on the other side of grief, it boils down to getting on with things, moving to the future.

But for me, right now, a future without her is just plain undesirable. It is nothing to be looking forward to.

Because I can’t look forward.

So the tears continue to flow.

How does this precious relationship now ended have a resolution on my side? I can’t end it - I won’t end it. The relationship IS me. It defines me. And any new definition that does not include her in it is no definition I really want, thank you.

Then more tears.

The road to the future then will be a wet one. And for that I am not going to complain.

I want to tell everyone how the tears are not a problem. That we should share them.

Perhaps I will need to demonstrate that as I go forward. It won’t be difficult to do. There are plenty of them to go around.

Do not be upset when they appear. You are free to join me - I won’t complain.

You are no less a person for crying with me - in fact you are a giant.

You honor my sweetie when you do.

And make my journey just a bit more tolerable.

And I will advance at one point. It will take time - and tears to accomplish.

One day at a time.

One tear at a time.

Recent Posts

Comentarios