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5. Futures Past

Written Tuesday, November 19, 2019 / Day 99 / Morning

Of all the bitter things in the vast sea of bitter things I have been dealing with is the loss of the future. The future I thought was ahead of me.

When you think about it, we live our lives anticipating the future. Whether mighty or mundane - the idea of what is coming really drives a lot of what we do.

Mundane in that we need to deal with what’s coming up tomorrow, next week or next month.

Mighty when we look forward to a vacation, a season or a future special occasion.

So for me, so much of the grieving and mourning that is currently my life has that theme - the loss of the future.

Here I was anticipating retirement. During that preparation time my company offered a retirement package to the entire company. So since I was already in the process I was able to receive some amazing blessings from that situation.

My sweetie and I had been struggling with everything. Her with her new limitations and me with working full time and trying to take on all the duties that she could no longer fulfill.

It was doable - not pleasant for her as I knew she could not do as much as she wanted. Not pleasant for me because all of my life and interests (other than her of course - she was my total and supreme interest when it came down to that topic) were on hold to be able to keep up with the relentless but barely manageable life that we were trying to lead.

We had plans - not concrete ones - but plans based on the fact we could do some of the things we always had wanted to do but were forced by our current situation to ignore.

So when all that went away - it was the most devastating event that could ever take place for me.

Losing her meant I lost everything I valued or cared about in this life. Then dealing with the peripheral layer of everything to which she was connected in my life was next.

In assessing the damage that is vast and incomprehensible to my innate analytical mindset - I ended up with the next realization.

The realization that amidst the damage and overwhelming devastation to my world as I looked up out of the rubble there was something even grander that was missing. I could no longer see any of it nor could I even care about it if I could see it.

It was the future.

My future.

And it was now gone.

Vanished.

And not a trace or fragment of it remained to be recovered or salvaged.

So not only is the stark “alone-ness” (not a word, I know) one of the realities of this present time - the lack of any perceptible future is another of the harsh realities that faces me each day.

Not that I dwell on it at all - I don’t have to. It is no longer there.

It’s hard to mourn for something that has not happened yet. I guess I could mourn for the idea of what could have been. But as I have learned - and declared to myself - I will not allow myself to mourn for a manufactured reality that has never even happened yet. Those are useless paths that only generate sadness. And I m not going to do that.

But realizing that my future also died - is the latest of the unending realizations and revelations that has taken place over these past 99 days.

We are geared for the future inherently - God has put that in our very natures.

And now I no longer have one - in this life at least.

I firmly believe and know with all of my heart, just as my sweetie knew - that we have an incredible future awaiting. Read Romans 8:18-25 if you would like to know what I’m talking about here.

That future I can see - even though we do not see the fullness or detail of it - that future is awaiting us.

But in this life - currently my future is - blank. Empty. Sort of a “fill in the blanks” exercise. There just is nothing there.

As I have written regularly - a future without my sweetie is no future at all.

But I know that I cannot underestimate God. Right now I am a total mess in the future department - day to day is tolerable, less biting than it has been, but based on what is right ahead of me. Currently my “future” is the weekend or next week if I really want to get out there.

Last week I had to make a dental appointment for May 20, 2020. That’s like a thousand years from now to me right at the present time.

So in the meantime I follow the only plan I can - day by day. Just like my sweetie did until God decided He would take her to her future. I know my time will come in His time.

But for now I will do what I can, mourn for what is lost and pray for the strength I know is coming.

Strength to embrace the future - whenever it arrives for me.

5. Futures Past

Written Tuesday, November 19, 2019 / Day 99 / Morning

Of all the bitter things in the vast sea of bitter things I have been dealing with is the loss of the future. The future I thought was ahead of me.

When you think about it, we live our lives anticipating the future. Whether mighty or mundane - the idea of what is coming really drives a lot of what we do.

Mundane in that we need to deal with what’s coming up tomorrow, next week or next month.

Mighty when we look forward to a vacation, a season or a future special occasion.

So for me, so much of the grieving and mourning that is currently my life has that theme - the loss of the future.

Here I was anticipating retirement. During that preparation time my company offered a retirement package to the entire company. So since I was already in the process I was able to receive some amazing blessings from that situation.

My sweetie and I had been struggling with everything. Her with her new limitations and me with working full time and trying to take on all the duties that she could no longer fulfill.

We had plans - not concrete ones - but plans based on the fact we could do some of the things we always had wanted to do but were forced by our current situation to ignore.

So when all that went away - it was the most devastating event that could ever take place for me.

Losing her meant I lost everything I valued or cared about in this life. Then dealing with the peripheral layer of everything to which she was connected in my life was next.

In assessing the damage that is vast and incomprehensible to my innate analytical mindset - I ended up with the next realization.

The realization that amidst the damage and overwhelming devastation to my world as I looked up out of the rubble there was something even grander that was missing. I could no longer see any of it nor could I even care about it if I could see it.

It was the future.

My future.

And it was now gone.

Vanished.

And not a trace or fragment of it remained to be recovered or salvaged.

So not only is the stark “alone-ness” (not a word, I know) one of the realities of this present time - the lack of any perceptible future is another of the harsh realities that faces me each day.

Not that I dwell on it at all - I don’t have to. It is no longer there.

But realizing that my future also died - is the latest of the unending realizations and revelations that has taken place over these past 99 days.

We are geared for the future inherently - God has put that in our very natures.

And now I no longer have one - in this life at least.

I firmly believe and know with all of my heart, just as my sweetie knew - that we have an incredible future awaiting. Read Romans 8:18-25 if you would like to know what I’m talking about here.

That future I can see - even though we do not see the fullness or detail of it - that future is awaiting us.

But in this life - currently my future is - blank. Empty. Sort of a “fill in the blanks” exercise. There just is nothing there.

As I have written regularly - a future without my sweetie is no future at all.

But I know that I cannot underestimate God. Right now I am a total mess in the future department - day to day is tolerable, less biting than it has been, but based on what is right ahead of me. Currently my “future” is the weekend or next week if I really want to get out there.

Last week I had to make a dental appointment for May 20, 2020. That’s like a thousand years from now to me right at the present time.

So in the meantime I follow the only plan I can - day by day. Just like my sweetie did until God decided He would take her to her future. I know my time will come in His time.

But for now I will do what I can, mourn for what is lost and pray for the strength I know is coming.

Strength to embrace the future - whenever it arrives for me.

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