4 min read

5. Sadness Rebuked

Written Monday, December 16, 2019 / Day 126 / Late Evening

From the time we are born - sadness is with us. In those early days which we can no longer remember sadness was a part of life. Babies unfortunately are not always the happy jolly little munchkins we would like them to be. No they are whiney, selfish by nature and when the situation strikes which seems to be a lot of the time - sad.

They cry. They fuss. That’s just being a baby we would say.

As we grow our sadness takes on different forms. Certainly there are the times we are just downright sad and it shows. Other times we have sadness in us but the evidence of that sadness is not visible to those outside. This becomes part of life.

In the state of grief - you unfortunately graduate to an entirely new world of sadness.

Much like the state we were first in as a baby, now the current situation can make us uncontrollably sad. We cry. We fuss. At one level not much has really changed. Only now we can use more sophisticated words to describe our sadness.

In my quest to reign in a certain amount of what seems to be unnecessary sadness - that is over situations that are over and done with and that have no other value than to create sadness - I have reached what I hope is a turning point.

Now I understand that there is some kind of resolution going on at an emotional level. That place is unreachable by any conventional methods. And some of that unsettledness is to be expected because of the loss that is so comprehensive and touches virtually every aspect of my life.

In my case I consider my loss to be at a greater level than what I would consider normal. I only say this because in my life - my wife was my life. I mean my entire life. Everything in my life was invested in her. I had no secondary interests that did not include her. Our love was so deep and the bond so strong for me that I could have lived no other way. Nor would I have ever wanted to.

This created a titanic disruption in my life. So systemically affected was my life that I really see no future at the present time. I just have no idea how to live without her. Those strong emotional ties led to everything in my life and now that they are broken I am quite uninterested in any future at all.

I can not turn around without seeing, remembering or noticing something that attached me to her. Thankfully the intensity of those losses has substantially diminished in the last 6 weeks or so. That is welcome.

But the sadness for the loss now comes in so many ways - based on so many triggering events.

I have reached the point where I now address the sadness when it comes. I ask it if it is truly necessary to be this sad. I am on high alert for situations where I just go back and long for, pine for, lament over what we did. While that brings me back to her for a moment - the return to the present is just too harsh. So I ask myself - why do I allow this? Is this doing some good in conjunction with whatever this unknowable process is working out in me?

I do acknowledge that if there is indeed to be sadness in the loss and if that sadness needs to be experienced on a somewhat regular bases - fine. If that is part of the journey I do not want to stop that.

I do want to declare, however, that I will no longer tolerate sadness just for the sake of sadness. I want my memories to be good ones. I want to be strong enough to know that I know what reality has declared. I want to stand up to the sadness that is there that tries to abduct me and transform its power into one of strength.

Previous essays have focused on our relationship so I will not revisit those illustrations. But that love that we had and that I still possess is not going to be used against me to just make me sad.

I have been quite obedient up to the present time in taking this sadness - these episodes that keep appearing - and putting up with those emotions. But now I am declaring that sadness is now relegated to the sidelines. I won’t just fold up like a paper bag and collapse when it shows up.

The sadness I will respect is genuine sadness based on my situation. I will no longer give dead-end sadness a place at my table. That is over. When it tries to appear - it will be batted away like that stray fly you swat at when it tries to land on your dinner plate.

Sadness does have its place in grief - I know. I will not stop the sadness that is necessary.

My prayer now is that God grants me the resolve to make my new declarations work. That I will no longer stray off into lines of thinking that take me to a dead-end of purely sadness. Sadness that does not advance the way forward.

I fight with the way forward because that points to the future I find distasteful without her by my side. But I realize that a future will be coming - and will arrive at some point when I am ready for it.

Perhaps taking this stand is just one step in that direction. A step into the unknown that awaits me.

When it comes I will know - because I will be ready.

And when it comes - I will leave the unnecessary sadness I have been experiencing by the side of the road where it so deservedly needs to go.

5. Sadness Rebuked

Written Monday, December 16, 2019 / Day 126 / Late Evening

They cry. They fuss. That’s just being a baby we would say.

As we grow our sadness takes on different forms. Certainly there are the times we are just downright sad and it shows. Other times we have sadness in us but the evidence of that sadness is not visible to those outside. This becomes part of life.

In the state of grief - you unfortunately graduate to an entirely new world of sadness.

Much like the state we were first in as a baby, now the current situation can make us uncontrollably sad. We cry. We fuss. At one level not much has really changed. Only now we can use more sophisticated words to describe our sadness.

In my quest to reign in a certain amount of what seems to be unnecessary sadness - that is over situations that are over and done with and that have no other value than to create sadness - I have reached what I hope is a turning point.

Now I understand that there is some kind of resolution going on at an emotional level. That place is unreachable by any conventional methods. And some of that unsettledness is to be expected because of the loss that is so comprehensive and touches virtually every aspect of my life.

I can not turn around without seeing, remembering or noticing something that attached me to her. Thankfully the intensity of those losses has substantially diminished in the last 6 weeks or so. That is welcome.

But the sadness for the loss now comes in so many ways - based on so many triggering events.

I do acknowledge that if there is indeed to be sadness in the loss and if that sadness needs to be experienced on a somewhat regular bases - fine. If that is part of the journey I do not want to stop that.

Previous essays have focused on our relationship so I will not revisit those illustrations. But that love that we had and that I still possess is not going to be used against me to just make me sad.

I have been quite obedient up to the present time in taking this sadness - these episodes that keep appearing - and putting up with those emotions. But now I am declaring that sadness is now relegated to the sidelines. I won’t just fold up like a paper bag and collapse when it shows up.

The sadness I will respect is genuine sadness based on my situation. I will no longer give dead-end sadness a place at my table. That is over. When it tries to appear - it will be batted away like that stray fly you swat at when it tries to land on your dinner plate.

Sadness does have its place in grief - I know. I will not stop the sadness that is necessary.

My prayer now is that God grants me the resolve to make my new declarations work. That I will no longer stray off into lines of thinking that take me to a dead-end of purely sadness. Sadness that does not advance the way forward.

I fight with the way forward because that points to the future I find distasteful without her by my side. But I realize that a future will be coming - and will arrive at some point when I am ready for it.

Perhaps taking this stand is just one step in that direction. A step into the unknown that awaits me.

When it comes I will know - because I will be ready.

And when it comes - I will leave the unnecessary sadness I have been experiencing by the side of the road where it so deservedly needs to go.

Recent Posts

Comentarios