6. Lessons About Me - Part 1

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Written Thursday, April 9, 2020 / Day 241 / Morning

A perplexing thought that has been in the background of this journey would surface quite regularly. It had to do with the most fundamental aspects of my life - one I had never really thought of in my pre-grief life.

A situation would present itself and the situation would require a decision. Usually innocuous things but situations requiring decisions nevertheless. The thought that would pop in my head each time would be, “And I am doing this….for me?”.

The net result would be a realization that I was making a decision for me alone. This was foreign territory for me because I never really made serious decisions alone.

I had never really thought of the mechanics of this. My wife and I were together on most of the fundamental aspects of our lives from the very beginnings of our relationship. The adventure was how our unique and totally differing personalities and outlooks on life would meet each other and often clash.

Not in an argumentative or negative way but in a way that forced us to see how we approached life. Not that there were not sparks as we would grapple with an unfamiliar approach (to us) to a situation or problem - but over time we came to embrace each others ways even though initially we were thrown off by the differences.

Having had this unity in the background of our lives meant that we always decided with each other in mind. It was just what we did.

Now - in this world of aloneness (not a word I’m sure) I am faced with an ongoing dilemma. The dilemma of having to decide for myself various courses of action.

Administratively, this is no problem since those decisions are quite routine. Where it keeps getting to me is in those situations where the decision is discretionary. Where the decision is a preference. I don’t know why this is such an issue - other than realizing one significant point.

I really do not care about the decision.

Ambivalence seems to be the theme here.

In unpacking this reality I have been constantly reminded that I am in charge. As the possibility of the new life ahead of me looms, I am further disarmed by the simple fact that I really do not want to be in charge.

But I am.

This then, is the essence of the dilemma - defining what in the world I am as a “me” - instead of a “we”.

“We” was quite comfortable. It was the foundation of my life for 47 years - so that has a tendency to grow on a person. Especially if they love the other person with all of their heart and are totally committed to them.

Now, after crashing through the barrier of grief into this new generally peaceful time - this defining of “me” is a constant background “to do” item.

“So what are you?” questions my subconscious. To which I say, “I have not a clue right now, I’ll get back to you on that one.”.

Because there is not a simple answer as of yet.

As reflecting on my salvation from living with the worst of what grief offers reminds me, I always knew that the situation would change. That I would be freed from the worst place (mentally) in which a person could be trapped. So I know this dilemma will also be resolved.

How, I do not know.

Because I am in a sort of a logic loop again.

I have no real desire for almost everything. I am capable of many things I am sure - but to choose one, make a decision on a direction, cast my lot on a path forward? Well, that is just not possible at the moment.

I’m ready for a new life - but then life asks me, “So where would you like to go?”. To which I say, “Who knows?”.

The answer to this is that God knows.

He has made it quite clear that He can change the direction of things from all that has taken place this past March.

6. Lessons About Me - Part 1

Written Thursday, April 9, 2020 / Day 241 / Morning

A perplexing thought that has been in the background of this journey would surface quite regularly. It had to do with the most fundamental aspects of my life - one I had never really thought of in my pre-grief life.

A situation would present itself and the situation would require a decision. Usually innocuous things but situations requiring decisions nevertheless. The thought that would pop in my head each time would be, “And I am doing this….for me?”.

The net result would be a realization that I was making a decision for me alone. This was foreign territory for me because I never really made serious decisions alone.

Having had this unity in the background of our lives meant that we always decided with each other in mind. It was just what we did.

Now - in this world of aloneness (not a word I’m sure) I am faced with an ongoing dilemma. The dilemma of having to decide for myself various courses of action.

Administratively, this is no problem since those decisions are quite routine. Where it keeps getting to me is in those situations where the decision is discretionary. Where the decision is a preference. I don’t know why this is such an issue - other than realizing one significant point.

I really do not care about the decision.

Ambivalence seems to be the theme here.

In unpacking this reality I have been constantly reminded that I am in charge. As the possibility of the new life ahead of me looms, I am further disarmed by the simple fact that I really do not want to be in charge.

But I am.

This then, is the essence of the dilemma - defining what in the world I am as a “me” - instead of a “we”.

“We” was quite comfortable. It was the foundation of my life for 47 years - so that has a tendency to grow on a person. Especially if they love the other person with all of their heart and are totally committed to them.

Now, after crashing through the barrier of grief into this new generally peaceful time - this defining of “me” is a constant background “to do” item.

“So what are you?” questions my subconscious. To which I say, “I have not a clue right now, I’ll get back to you on that one.”.

Because there is not a simple answer as of yet.

As reflecting on my salvation from living with the worst of what grief offers reminds me, I always knew that the situation would change. That I would be freed from the worst place (mentally) in which a person could be trapped. So I know this dilemma will also be resolved.

How, I do not know.

Because I am in a sort of a logic loop again.

I have no real desire for almost everything. I am capable of many things I am sure - but to choose one, make a decision on a direction, cast my lot on a path forward? Well, that is just not possible at the moment.

I’m ready for a new life - but then life asks me, “So where would you like to go?”. To which I say, “Who knows?”.

The answer to this is that God knows.

He has made it quite clear that He can change the direction of things from all that has taken place this past March.

So the answer to this dilemma is clear.

I will know in His time - not mine.

And that is fine.

Fine because when He does reveal what is ahead, I’ll know it.

So “me” will have to wait.

That will be fine.

Stay tuned for Part 2 and we’ll find out where I will be going.

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