3 min read

6. Living with Emptiness

Written Thursday, August 29, 2019 / Day 17 / Daybreak

One of the many recurring themes of this loss I am experiencing is that of emptiness.

My prior life was full. Full of responsibilities, obligations, dreams, desires and plans.

My life today is one of emptiness.

The differences is that the one - for me - who was a part of all those responsibilities, obligations, dreams, desires and plans is no longer here. And without her - all of those things are not possible.

The emptiness is staggering.

I understand why I am in a neutral state of mind right now. Emotionally I'm all over the map - from the depths of despair to the fleeting moments of equilibrium - that rhythm seems constant yet also unpredictable.

In my emptiness - I am just neutral. Somewhat insulated actually - from everything.

Nothing really matters.

Now I'm still responsible - I'm paying bills that come in, meeting obligations that I cannot defer - but apart from those tasks - you couldn't motivate me right now even if you had the best most talented motivator in the world to encourage me.

It all doesn't matter today. Ho hum is my mission statement right now. And I'm good with that.

But the emptiness - it is lurking behind the scenes.

For moments I am engaged in a task, a phone call, an email, in reading something that is a diversion - but once the activities end and I run into a trigger (which here at home is just about anything and everything) I descend to the reality that I am just empty.

We then tend to go back to the last moments when we were not empty.

For us grappling with loss, those are those last months, weeks, days or hours while we still had the one who filled our lives. As painful as those moments might have been - at that point we still had them. Our connection was there no matter how tenuous it might have been.

But now - there is nothing there.

How does this change?

I have no idea.

The emptiness brings the tears, the grief. Depending on the circumstances that may be a tear or a flood or a tsunami - you can never tell.

Remembering the good times is mentioned in grief counseling. That is inevitable of course - but at this point for me - I want my life back and it's not coming back.

The emptiness is becoming a strange companion. Unwanted, undesirable - yet when I look around - it's all I've got.

Now don't get me wrong - many are reaching out to me - and I am reaching out as much as I can with my current limited energy level - that does provide moments of distraction. So do the duties of life - or the threads of life experienced without the one I have lost - those moments are almost normal because she had not been a part of them. But they do not last.

Sooner or later I am back with my new unwanted friend. The friend I try to ignore but cannot.

So what is to be the answer? The future?

In my neutral world I acknowledge that there will be a coming time when the emptiness will be tempered somehow - somehow in a way I can't foresee. I know that it will happen.

Change it will. I acknowledge that.

But I am in lonelyville right now - and like it or not - I'm going to have to make it work.

6. Living with Emptiness

Written Thursday, August 29, 2019 / Day 17 / Daybreak

One of the many recurring themes of this loss I am experiencing is that of emptiness.

My prior life was full. Full of responsibilities, obligations, dreams, desires and plans.

My life today is one of emptiness.

The differences is that the one - for me - who was a part of all those responsibilities, obligations, dreams, desires and plans is no longer here. And without her - all of those things are not possible.

The emptiness is staggering.

I understand why I am in a neutral state of mind right now. Emotionally I'm all over the map - from the depths of despair to the fleeting moments of equilibrium - that rhythm seems constant yet also unpredictable.

In my emptiness - I am just neutral. Somewhat insulated actually - from everything.

Nothing really matters.

Now I'm still responsible - I'm paying bills that come in, meeting obligations that I cannot defer - but apart from those tasks - you couldn't motivate me right now even if you had the best most talented motivator in the world to encourage me.

It all doesn't matter today. Ho hum is my mission statement right now. And I'm good with that.

But the emptiness - it is lurking behind the scenes.

For moments I am engaged in a task, a phone call, an email, in reading something that is a diversion - but once the activities end and I run into a trigger (which here at home is just about anything and everything) I descend to the reality that I am just empty.

We then tend to go back to the last moments when we were not empty.

For us grappling with loss, those are those last months, weeks, days or hours while we still had the one who filled our lives. As painful as those moments might have been - at that point we still had them. Our connection was there no matter how tenuous it might have been.

But now - there is nothing there.

How does this change?

I have no idea.

The emptiness brings the tears, the grief. Depending on the circumstances that may be a tear or a flood or a tsunami - you can never tell.

Remembering the good times is mentioned in grief counseling. That is inevitable of course - but at this point for me - I want my life back and it's not coming back.

The emptiness is becoming a strange companion. Unwanted, undesirable - yet when I look around - it's all I've got.

Sooner or later I am back with my new unwanted friend. The friend I try to ignore but cannot.

So what is to be the answer? The future?

In my neutral world I acknowledge that there will be a coming time when the emptiness will be tempered somehow - somehow in a way I can't foresee. I know that it will happen.

Change it will. I acknowledge that.

But I am in lonelyville right now - and like it or not - I'm going to have to make it work.

That's where I pray to my God to make that happen. He knows the way out for me.

And I trust Him to take me there.

Just not today, thank you.

My new friend and I are trying to figure each other out.

I don't like my new friend at all.

But for now it's all I've got.

For now.

Recent Posts

Comments