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6. Missing

Written Tuesday, February 25, 2020 / Day 197 / Morning

It is raining this morning. I have not been a person that is overly affected by the weather as far as my mood is concerned. however, that was before I entered the state of grief 197 days ago.

Now things are different in that way.

Today is a particularly contentious morning regarding missing my dear sweetie and all she is to me.

Missing her presence is a constant. It is disarming that I am now in silence in that way. We talked all the time - talked about everything. These were not superficial conversations about innocuous things - they were conversations that were tied to our shared past - things we did together - observations on our present issues and first and foremost - God’s involvement in our lives, His plan and how to navigate this broken world.

I, of course, can remember our conversations - obviously not in detail - but I remember them for the richness they added to our lives together.

I miss looking into her eyes - and telling her I love her. That I was still crazy about her - and she would look back at me and comment, “crazy?” And we would both laugh about it.

I miss embracing her and comforting her. When she would feel lonely and abandoned (as we all do at times) - I would tell her God sent me to give her all the love that she was missing.

I miss building her up in every way.

From the first time I realized I could not leave her (“Alone” - Volume 2 - Essay #6) to her last moments with me (“The Last Hours” - Volume 1 - Essay #8) - I reflect on her life - a life I am so grateful and blessed to have been a part of - to have helped her in every way achieve whatever it was that she wanted to do.

I miss that.

When she would call me with the request that, “I need a hug!”…to praying with her every night before bed - all those things are overtaking me at the moment.

Those things that I am missing.

And yet - I know that I have a new life - as distasteful as it is at the moment.

A life I can only glance over and give a quick nod to - because in embracing that new life - I have to let go of the remnants of the life I had.

Something I know I have to do at some point - but cannot fathom that idea right now.

The activities that we shared, the shopping, dining, visiting moments that were our day-to-day. Now unapproachable to me in every way without her as a part of them.

As is my life right now - this is a strange place to be. Yet I know I will be given what I need when I need it. When it is time to go down a new path - I will know it. And I know I will be given what I need to take that path.

Sorting all of this out is a continual effort that has no end. She will always be a part of me. Those things that I miss so much - I pray will be the source of new strength instead of continual sadness.

I struggle with this knowing that I can really do nothing about it.

But the One who has me - is capable of that and so much more.

I am just capable of missing her.

And I do.

And I will.

Until that day when I will see her again (1 Thessalonians 4:16) and continue on with what is next.

Until then - I will miss her every day - and be strengthened by what we had even though it is not in front of me - it is still a part of me. And always will be.

Until God supplies what I need.

What has been lost - for now.

Until He supplies what I am missing.

6. Missing

Written Tuesday, February 25, 2020 / Day 197 / Morning

It is raining this morning. I have not been a person that is overly affected by the weather as far as my mood is concerned. however, that was before I entered the state of grief 197 days ago.

Now things are different in that way.

Today is a particularly contentious morning regarding missing my dear sweetie and all she is to me.

I, of course, can remember our conversations - obviously not in detail - but I remember them for the richness they added to our lives together.

I miss looking into her eyes - and telling her I love her. That I was still crazy about her - and she would look back at me and comment, “crazy?” And we would both laugh about it.

I miss embracing her and comforting her. When she would feel lonely and abandoned (as we all do at times) - I would tell her God sent me to give her all the love that she was missing.

I miss building her up in every way.

I miss that.

When she would call me with the request that, “I need a hug!”…to praying with her every night before bed - all those things are overtaking me at the moment.

Those things that I am missing.

And yet - I know that I have a new life - as distasteful as it is at the moment.

A life I can only glance over and give a quick nod to - because in embracing that new life - I have to let go of the remnants of the life I had.

Something I know I have to do at some point - but cannot fathom that idea right now.

The activities that we shared, the shopping, dining, visiting moments that were our day-to-day. Now unapproachable to me in every way without her as a part of them.

As is my life right now - this is a strange place to be. Yet I know I will be given what I need when I need it. When it is time to go down a new path - I will know it. And I know I will be given what I need to take that path.

Sorting all of this out is a continual effort that has no end. She will always be a part of me. Those things that I miss so much - I pray will be the source of new strength instead of continual sadness.

I struggle with this knowing that I can really do nothing about it.

But the One who has me - is capable of that and so much more.

I am just capable of missing her.

And I do.

And I will.

Until that day when I will see her again (1 Thessalonians 4:16) and continue on with what is next.

Until then - I will miss her every day - and be strengthened by what we had even though it is not in front of me - it is still a part of me. And always will be.

Until God supplies what I need.

What has been lost - for now.

Until He supplies what I am missing.

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