6. Something Different

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Written Sunday, September 22, 2019 / Day 41 / Evening

With grief, I never know what to expect. Today was no different.

Well actually it was…different.

Now differences have been happening all of the time. Swings of emotions and moods.

Perceptions and observations - everything takes a turn taking a turn.

Today, however, it seems to be a global change.

I just can’t put my finger on what it is exactly.

Let’s call it a sense of “settledness” - although I know that is not a word. Not a wholesale return to my pre-grief life, but a sense of a calmness running way in the background.

I knew it when I picked up a little notebook of my wife when going through some things that need going through. There was nothing written in it but on the first page there was this one solitary entry, “People to see: Russ & Julia”.

I broke down and cried like a baby.

I went out to the living room and sat in the swivel chair and had a conversation with God right there as I wept.

Yes I know she is gone - but this entry makes me mourn for what we wanted to do. I know I keep having this same conversation with you but it keeps getting to me.

I know this all in my head - but my heart is just in pieces.

Fix my heart, please. Keep these things from doing this to me. Keep me from doing this to me.

I know you can do it.

Please do.

And so I sobbed and talked (out loud) and once I ran out of things to say…I got up and sort of felt…well calm. I stopped sobbing and went back to review other things. Some of them gave me a similar reaction but not as intense.

And so it went.

I ran out to get a Sunday paper and a few quick things. I like our little market near us. I can swoop in, get what I need and check myself out. Great for the introvert.

Then back home. Walking in sort of matter-of-factly. No real wave of anything to go through.

Not normal in any way but not as abnormal as it has been.

So this seems to be something.

As with all elements of grief - everything is in total motion all of the time - at least that is how it’s been so far.

I read my class exercise for the Coping with Grief Though Writing group I started attending. The exercise on the attributes of grief surprised me. The ones listed really weren’t any of the ones I have been experiencing. Trouble sleeping was the only one.

I added, emptiness and apathy to my list. Those are my big ones. And oh yes, I need to throw anguish and despair in there while I think about the list.

As the day ends, I will be interested in seeing what the week brings. I am trying not to push myself - so I’ll take things as they come.

And pray that what I have experienced today is a sign of progress for whatever future God has prepared for me.

6. Something Different

Written Sunday, September 22, 2019 / Day 41 / Evening

With grief, I never know what to expect. Today was no different.

Well actually it was…different.

Now differences have been happening all of the time. Swings of emotions and moods.

Perceptions and observations - everything takes a turn taking a turn.

Today, however, it seems to be a global change.

I just can’t put my finger on what it is exactly.

Let’s call it a sense of “settledness” - although I know that is not a word. Not a wholesale return to my pre-grief life, but a sense of a calmness running way in the background.

I knew it when I picked up a little notebook of my wife when going through some things that need going through. There was nothing written in it but on the first page there was this one solitary entry, “People to see: Russ & Julia”.

I broke down and cried like a baby.

I went out to the living room and sat in the swivel chair and had a conversation with God right there as I wept.

Yes I know she is gone - but this entry makes me mourn for what we wanted to do. I know I keep having this same conversation with you but it keeps getting to me.

I know this all in my head - but my heart is just in pieces.

Fix my heart, please. Keep these things from doing this to me. Keep me from doing this to me.

I know you can do it.

Please do.

And so I sobbed and talked (out loud) and once I ran out of things to say…I got up and sort of felt…well calm. I stopped sobbing and went back to review other things. Some of them gave me a similar reaction but not as intense.

And so it went.

I ran out to get a Sunday paper and a few quick things. I like our little market near us. I can swoop in, get what I need and check myself out. Great for the introvert.

Then back home. Walking in sort of matter-of-factly. No real wave of anything to go through.

Not normal in any way but not as abnormal as it has been.

So this seems to be something.

As with all elements of grief - everything is in total motion all of the time - at least that is how it’s been so far.

I read my class exercise for the Coping with Grief Though Writing group I started attending. The exercise on the attributes of grief surprised me. The ones listed really weren’t any of the ones I have been experiencing. Trouble sleeping was the only one.

I added, emptiness and apathy to my list. Those are my big ones. And oh yes, I need to throw anguish and despair in there while I think about the list.

As the day ends, I will be interested in seeing what the week brings. I am trying not to push myself - so I’ll take things as they come.

And pray that what I have experienced today is a sign of progress for whatever future God has prepared for me.

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