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6. Unfinished Business

Written Wednesday, December 18, 2019 / Day 128 / Late Evening

There is nothing like finishing a project. Actually there is nothing like just finishing things - period. That sense of accomplishment is built into us - setting a goal and then completing it is something we experience throughout our lives.

Now there are those times we become distracted - we might “tune out” for a while - perhaps not caring at all if anything gets done. But for the most part - being able to tick off the box “completed” is satisfying.

In this state of grief we experience a new sad wrinkle of this part of our lives.

For me it has manifested itself in various subtle ways. Sort of a round-about way. I am constantly bombarded with memories of the past - either shared experiences, past plans and reminders of goals yet to be completed.

Today all the various elements converged in my mind - they chose to come together while I was trying to get to bed for the day. And as they came together they informed me of what they really are.

Unfinished business.

Oh great - now another feeling to manage.

That’s how it is - I have taken a more active role in trying to steer certain though patterns away from their seemingly obvious destinations. I challenge them to be meaningful or at least helpful in this nebulous tunnel I must live through. This tunnel that leads somewhere that I really could not care any less about - but am traveling through relentlessly.

One of the many paradoxes that is now my life.

To now look at my world in this new light - the light of unfinished business - gives me a different option to help me decide how to manage the moment.

Ok, so it’s unfinished business - so? What am I suppose to do with that? By its very nature it is unfinished business so there you go. It just is not going to happen.

Well that’s fine on the analytical level. Click. Check. Done. But there is another side to consider.

The emotional side.

Now on the emotional side - there is no telling what might happen. This unfinished business - whatever it might be at the moment has a powerful core - that of my dear sweetie. How do I separate her from the unfinished business? How do I close the books on these things as they appear.

Apparently, with tears.

Recently I have declared that unnecessary sadness - that is where I just pull off the highway of life and have a good emotional breakdown - are over. If there is no emotional payoff here - why bother? The only problem is that knowing what constitutes an emotional payoff and what that would mean just isn’t possible. There’s no telling if those tears are helping or just “dead-end” tears as I am starting to call them.

But in the unfinished business department I may have a slight idea, a small, tiny advantage I never realized I had before.

This unfinished business can be finished. Sadly each one is collateral damage from the initial loss. A secondary death. That business envisioned will never happen. So when the unfinished business appears - I have to have a moment to finish it. To declare it dead. To bury the potential that it once had.

If I do not take this approach - I’ll never be free of the pain. In a larger sense I’m not kidding myself here - there will always be pain associated with my current state. But the intensity of that pain - as I have been seeing - has been diminishing. So that is something.

Now I just have to face these moments of realization for the unfinished business. It’s as small as that bottle of hot pepper flakes she used to season her food. I will never use it. So it’s work here is done. I won’t throw it away or anything. I just have to settle the reminder it gives me. I just have to tell it to “shush”.

And it’s as large as the bigger projects that were on the agenda that for me right now - no longer matter and in my mind will never be done.

So in one sense I have a handle on something. It’s not a very powerful one. It does not stop the emotion that seems to be required to address it - but it at least makes me seem to have a more active role in settling each item as it manifests itself.

My prayer has continued to be that God turns my grief into strength. And in the strength department I at least feel less weak. In no way do I have any strength. But I know someone who does.

And it is His strength that seems to be carrying me through this.

I now realize I have to finish this work. The work of settling what has happened and all the damage it has done. I have to finish these things despite how much it tears me up to deal with whatever the issue of the moment is. They have to be settled. Put to rest.

I know that in this new reality - for me - I am to be here, by myself. That hurts beyond hurt but I have to embrace that fact. I am now single - that is difficult to wrap my head around but it is now reality. And there is some type of life - distasteful as that idea is at the moment - ahead of me.

Finishing up this work then consists of so many of these unfinished elements that present themselves to me. Some days everywhere I turn there is some reminder of an unfinished something.

But no matter how many of them that there are - I will finish them. Because in reality - they already have been finished by what has happened. I just have to get with the program and catch up.

Jesus told his disciples that they would have trials and sorrows in this world. It’s broken and we suffer because of that. But His sacrifice has paved the way for us because He has overcome this world (John 16:33).

He is greater than anything that can come against us. Even grief. Even death.

So I claim that power and strength.I claim it because He is greater than anything I am experiencing right now.

Even grief and death - with all of their power that I have seen ravaging through my life - all that is no match for what Christ has done.

So I now rest in that sacrifice as I never had before.

Christ finished His work.

And that will enable me to finish mine.

6. Unfinished Business

Written Wednesday, December 18, 2019 / Day 128 / Late Evening

There is nothing like finishing a project. Actually there is nothing like just finishing things - period. That sense of accomplishment is built into us - setting a goal and then completing it is something we experience throughout our lives.

Now there are those times we become distracted - we might “tune out” for a while - perhaps not caring at all if anything gets done. But for the most part - being able to tick off the box “completed” is satisfying.

In this state of grief we experience a new sad wrinkle of this part of our lives.

For me it has manifested itself in various subtle ways. Sort of a round-about way. I am constantly bombarded with memories of the past - either shared experiences, past plans and reminders of goals yet to be completed.

Today all the various elements converged in my mind - they chose to come together while I was trying to get to bed for the day. And as they came together they informed me of what they really are.

Unfinished business.

Oh great - now another feeling to manage.

One of the many paradoxes that is now my life.

To now look at my world in this new light - the light of unfinished business - gives me a different option to help me decide how to manage the moment.

Ok, so it’s unfinished business - so? What am I suppose to do with that? By its very nature it is unfinished business so there you go. It just is not going to happen.

Well that’s fine on the analytical level. Click. Check. Done. But there is another side to consider.

The emotional side.

Now on the emotional side - there is no telling what might happen. This unfinished business - whatever it might be at the moment has a powerful core - that of my dear sweetie. How do I separate her from the unfinished business? How do I close the books on these things as they appear.

Apparently, with tears.

But in the unfinished business department I may have a slight idea, a small, tiny advantage I never realized I had before.

If I do not take this approach - I’ll never be free of the pain. In a larger sense I’m not kidding myself here - there will always be pain associated with my current state. But the intensity of that pain - as I have been seeing - has been diminishing. So that is something.

And it’s as large as the bigger projects that were on the agenda that for me right now - no longer matter and in my mind will never be done.

So in one sense I have a handle on something. It’s not a very powerful one. It does not stop the emotion that seems to be required to address it - but it at least makes me seem to have a more active role in settling each item as it manifests itself.

My prayer has continued to be that God turns my grief into strength. And in the strength department I at least feel less weak. In no way do I have any strength. But I know someone who does.

And it is His strength that seems to be carrying me through this.

I now realize I have to finish this work. The work of settling what has happened and all the damage it has done. I have to finish these things despite how much it tears me up to deal with whatever the issue of the moment is. They have to be settled. Put to rest.

I know that in this new reality - for me - I am to be here, by myself. That hurts beyond hurt but I have to embrace that fact. I am now single - that is difficult to wrap my head around but it is now reality. And there is some type of life - distasteful as that idea is at the moment - ahead of me.

Finishing up this work then consists of so many of these unfinished elements that present themselves to me. Some days everywhere I turn there is some reminder of an unfinished something.

But no matter how many of them that there are - I will finish them. Because in reality - they already have been finished by what has happened. I just have to get with the program and catch up.

Jesus told his disciples that they would have trials and sorrows in this world. It’s broken and we suffer because of that. But His sacrifice has paved the way for us because He has overcome this world (John 16:33).

He is greater than anything that can come against us. Even grief. Even death.

So I claim that power and strength.I claim it because He is greater than anything I am experiencing right now.

Even grief and death - with all of their power that I have seen ravaging through my life - all that is no match for what Christ has done.

So I now rest in that sacrifice as I never had before.

Christ finished His work.

And that will enable me to finish mine.

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