7. Besides Myself

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Written Thursday, October 24, 2019 / Day 73 / Evening

I am marveling at how I am having a difficult time evaluating the recent Buffalo trip. Feelings are quite unreliable in my state of grief - but the lack of my ability to assess the situation is intriguing and curious.

Apart from that first day when I was being buffeted by the realizations as to why I was really there and the shock of the room and the starkness of the experience since I was alone - led to a somewhat benign remainder of the time.

Now it was infinitely awkward and I would regularly lash out at the absurdity of my aloneness and the situation in general.

But during the time, as I focused on figuring out what my mother-in-law needed and then lining up times to meet everyone I was there to meet - those activities took the focus away from myself.

Navigating through all of this required a high-level of energy and focus - two things that have been non-existent in my life these days. So I was pushing the boundaries of my limited capabilities. I know prayers and God were behind that remarkable ability. Mainly because I knew I did not posses any strength of my own.

Yet one of the astounding things of the trip was how much of a spectator I was to my own activities. This is difficult to explain but it was a part of each day there.

As the plans formed themselves into obligations - my engine seemed to activate.

I do obligations quite well - but up until now - I could not achieve too many in a row. Now I was batting them out of the park like a major league player.

All the time being in a strange bubble. One from which I could see the activities but not really feel all that involved with them at the same time.

Such is the upside-down world of the state of grief.

As the days ticked off and I went through the dinners, meetings and obligations one thing was a constant - talking about my dear sweet wife.

I was forced to relive those memories I had vowed to minimize. Since everyone was new to the details of the past - I was forced to relive them.

Of course - those memories are somewhat toxic - I am drawn to them but then they bring up the issues of those times - issues which now have been resolved by God’s decision. Reliving them only brings back the pain of the moments - moments with her of course - but not the moments that bring comfort.

Now all this was playing out in the background since my encounters with everyone were warm, loving and caring. Many trying to reach into my world to bring comfort. But as I am painfully aware from my pre-grief life - so impossible to provide any real comfort.

It was just as much for them to embrace me as I to embrace them.

As the week unfolded and progressed to that last day - I dutifully tidied up my temporary world in preparations for departure.

The trip being during the exact timeframe of the Feast of Tabernacles was not lost on me. God likes to send me little reminders of His presence within my affliction and this irony was not lost on me.

The Feast - a time for living in temporary dwellings to signify our temporal state. Seven days to look forward to the millennium when Christ will have returned and we will be reigning with Him as kings and priests (Revelation 5:10, 20:6).

And there I was in my temporary dwelling. The Feast time was one of the most significant times of the year for us based on all this meaning. Picturing a time when Christ will have returned and we will be together again. The irony was stunning. <wink>.

As the time ended I felt like I was watching myself the entire time. Going through the motions without any emotions except for those that came through the encounters with all of those we loved.

Then my tours to the significant places in our lives. I was like a tourist to my own past. But as it seemed these were tours I had to take.

The past needed to be put in its place. Apparently to make room for some kind of future I really do not want or cannot comprehend living.

The goodbyes were tearful and like all the tears that now fill my life - necessary.

7. Besides Myself

Written Thursday, October 24, 2019 / Day 73 / Evening

I am marveling at how I am having a difficult time evaluating the recent Buffalo trip. Feelings are quite unreliable in my state of grief - but the lack of my ability to assess the situation is intriguing and curious.

Apart from that first day when I was being buffeted by the realizations as to why I was really there and the shock of the room and the starkness of the experience since I was alone - led to a somewhat benign remainder of the time.

Now it was infinitely awkward and I would regularly lash out at the absurdity of my aloneness and the situation in general.

But during the time, as I focused on figuring out what my mother-in-law needed and then lining up times to meet everyone I was there to meet - those activities took the focus away from myself.

Yet one of the astounding things of the trip was how much of a spectator I was to my own activities. This is difficult to explain but it was a part of each day there.

As the plans formed themselves into obligations - my engine seemed to activate.

I do obligations quite well - but up until now - I could not achieve too many in a row. Now I was batting them out of the park like a major league player.

All the time being in a strange bubble. One from which I could see the activities but not really feel all that involved with them at the same time.

Such is the upside-down world of the state of grief.

As the days ticked off and I went through the dinners, meetings and obligations one thing was a constant - talking about my dear sweet wife.

I was forced to relive those memories I had vowed to minimize. Since everyone was new to the details of the past - I was forced to relive them.

Of course - those memories are somewhat toxic - I am drawn to them but then they bring up the issues of those times - issues which now have been resolved by God’s decision. Reliving them only brings back the pain of the moments - moments with her of course - but not the moments that bring comfort.

Now all this was playing out in the background since my encounters with everyone were warm, loving and caring. Many trying to reach into my world to bring comfort. But as I am painfully aware from my pre-grief life - so impossible to provide any real comfort.

It was just as much for them to embrace me as I to embrace them.

As the week unfolded and progressed to that last day - I dutifully tidied up my temporary world in preparations for departure.

The trip being during the exact timeframe of the Feast of Tabernacles was not lost on me. God likes to send me little reminders of His presence within my affliction and this irony was not lost on me.

The Feast - a time for living in temporary dwellings to signify our temporal state. Seven days to look forward to the millennium when Christ will have returned and we will be reigning with Him as kings and priests (Revelation 5:10, 20:6).

And there I was in my temporary dwelling. The Feast time was one of the most significant times of the year for us based on all this meaning. Picturing a time when Christ will have returned and we will be together again. The irony was stunning. <wink>.

As the time ended I felt like I was watching myself the entire time. Going through the motions without any emotions except for those that came through the encounters with all of those we loved.

Then my tours to the significant places in our lives. I was like a tourist to my own past. But as it seemed these were tours I had to take.

The past needed to be put in its place. Apparently to make room for some kind of future I really do not want or cannot comprehend living.

The goodbyes were tearful and like all the tears that now fill my life - necessary.

Boarding the plane I was not only leaving my home but returning to my new one.

Alone.

With only memories in my luggage.

I looked over at myself - and I was crying.

It was sad to see - but necessary.

Another step to whatever is ahead.

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