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7. Cycles

Written Thursday, August 29, 2019 / Day 17 / Daybreak #2

Life is full of patterns, of cycles. There are days, weeks, months and years. There are the seasons. There are things we must do each day - routines. We must shop, eat, clean ourselves and our homes. Cycles are everywhere - they are a part of us.

That is until we lose someone.

For me the cycles in my life do not exist.

I grudgingly deal with the ones I must deal with. But apart from those - there really aren't any cycles in my life - nor do I care about or want most of them.

You see they connect me with the one who is no longer here to share them. The one who made them live.

The thought of dealing with them without her is too much to grasp right now.

It just isn't possible.

I don't want to be reminded of what I know has happened. I know I am playing a game with myself. Like setting the alarm 10 minutes ahead so that you won't be late yet subtracting the 10 minutes from the time I see so I can have those 10 minutes. It a little like that.

She's gone so why does it matter.

And to a degree I can see why - it's a small power I have. I don't want to cope. Or be "strong" -whatever that means - I just don't want to think about what is staring me right in the face.

It's a small power - very small - but it's all I have so I'll use it.

It's like an anesthetic - it deadens the pain - sort of. Not completely for sure. But in the action department right now where my options are somewhat limited - it is something I have at my disposal. So I'll use it. It's all I've got.

How can I contemplate any pattern of my life that I could return to without her next to me?

Impossible.

It's too painful to imagine.

What I am thinking - perhaps as a defense mechanism - is that everything will be different. It just has to be. I will have to return to some aspect of the past - only without the trigger of her not being there. That may mean new places where there is no history. Perhaps new people I have yet to meet. New everything.

And while that seems like a plan - in my broken heart - I don't want her memory to be replaced by the newness. I already lost her once - how can I purposely go on and replace her with new things that weren't a part of her.

It's too titanic a conflict for my emotionally taxed consciousness to handle.

It's the way to the future - replace the past - there. Done.

Wait. I still want my past - I want my sweetie. I know she's not here - but how can I hold on to her?

At one level she will never go away - I just won't tolerate that idea. Ever.

She will still be around.

I had her ring on the counter and one day put it on my little finger where it fit. It gave me a strange peace. A reminder of her - yet with a kick of despair and sadness - but I need her so much I'll take a little despair with that, thank you.

I found in several situations, going with other people to a place, living a cycle with others that I had experienced with her in the past helps soften the sting of the memories.

Wow - I want the memories but they are sort of toxic at the present. Having others seems to soften the intensity. Not sure if I could be there alone yet.

I did something totally out of character the other day. On the way back from an errand it was lunch time and there was a lunch spot we had gone to in another town - they had a location where I was. So I went in by myself. I dislike eating alone.

But there I was - at a table by myself - having the chicken salad sandwich we once shared at the other location by myself.

I had my trusty tablet device with me - so I texted my son and my sweeties dear friend to share with them what was happening.

7. Cycles

Written Thursday, August 29, 2019 / Day 17 / Daybreak #2

Life is full of patterns, of cycles. There are days, weeks, months and years. There are the seasons. There are things we must do each day - routines. We must shop, eat, clean ourselves and our homes. Cycles are everywhere - they are a part of us.

That is until we lose someone.

For me the cycles in my life do not exist.

I grudgingly deal with the ones I must deal with. But apart from those - there really aren't any cycles in my life - nor do I care about or want most of them.

You see they connect me with the one who is no longer here to share them. The one who made them live.

The thought of dealing with them without her is too much to grasp right now.

It just isn't possible.

I don't want to be reminded of what I know has happened. I know I am playing a game with myself. Like setting the alarm 10 minutes ahead so that you won't be late yet subtracting the 10 minutes from the time I see so I can have those 10 minutes. It a little like that.

She's gone so why does it matter.

And to a degree I can see why - it's a small power I have. I don't want to cope. Or be "strong" -whatever that means - I just don't want to think about what is staring me right in the face.

It's a small power - very small - but it's all I have so I'll use it.

It's like an anesthetic - it deadens the pain - sort of. Not completely for sure. But in the action department right now where my options are somewhat limited - it is something I have at my disposal. So I'll use it. It's all I've got.

How can I contemplate any pattern of my life that I could return to without her next to me?

Impossible.

It's too painful to imagine.

And while that seems like a plan - in my broken heart - I don't want her memory to be replaced by the newness. I already lost her once - how can I purposely go on and replace her with new things that weren't a part of her.

It's too titanic a conflict for my emotionally taxed consciousness to handle.

It's the way to the future - replace the past - there. Done.

Wait. I still want my past - I want my sweetie. I know she's not here - but how can I hold on to her?

At one level she will never go away - I just won't tolerate that idea. Ever.

She will still be around.

I had her ring on the counter and one day put it on my little finger where it fit. It gave me a strange peace. A reminder of her - yet with a kick of despair and sadness - but I need her so much I'll take a little despair with that, thank you.

I found in several situations, going with other people to a place, living a cycle with others that I had experienced with her in the past helps soften the sting of the memories.

Wow - I want the memories but they are sort of toxic at the present. Having others seems to soften the intensity. Not sure if I could be there alone yet.

I did something totally out of character the other day. On the way back from an errand it was lunch time and there was a lunch spot we had gone to in another town - they had a location where I was. So I went in by myself. I dislike eating alone.

But there I was - at a table by myself - having the chicken salad sandwich we once shared at the other location by myself.

I had my trusty tablet device with me - so I texted my son and my sweeties dear friend to share with them what was happening.

Quite strange - yet not overly emotional - yet honoring the one I miss so much.

Shades of the future? Who knows. But I survived it.

And I will survive the future as well.

It will just take time. And prayer. And strength I do not have.

But the strength will come. It's just not here yet.

But it will come. in its time.

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