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7. Direction

Updated: May 2, 2020


Knowing the right one helps.

Written Saturday, November 23, 2019 / Day 103 / Late Morning


A few weeks ago it appeared to me that my journey took a new path. Perhaps that path had been the path I had already been on - but it was that day when I became aware of the change.


The change was that I have a more active role in managing my emotions than I though was possible. Now I can not command them but what I have been finding is that I can direct the emotional flow - if you could call it that - just a bit.


Where I live these days - any change to the atmosphere is truly welcome - and comforting.


It was significant - for me - that the realization came on what would have been our 46th anniversary. A new milestone to replace an old one. My analytical nature loves when situations align themselves in a way that is meaningful.


Because what I had been dealing with for these past months was the incessant call of those “things”, those artifacts of my life that kept reminding me of what they were.


Lost opportunities. Dreams that were destroyed. Future experiences that would no longer be possible. I could go on and on - you know. But I won’t, that was the problem.


In the midst of the brokenness I was in our room that has our desk and other things that had no place to go since our house is small and storage is limited. So ironically the things that have no where to go for now and myself who also has no place to go for now had a meeting.


My declaration was short. I no longer am taking a cue from any of you things. You are all out of business as a negative reminder of my current sorry state. I’m done with all of you. Then I told them they have a new job - and this was their orientation on their first day of work.


Their new job? To be an encourager. From now on, all of you things are going to remind me of the incredible love I have for my wife. You are all going to take me of a place of comfort for the wonderful blessing God gave me in her. You are going to make me think of love and peace. Your job as spoilers is over. So get over it.


You are now my cheerleaders.


Now some of you might fall back into your old ways. Let me tell you something - you don’t have a chance. You can take your shots but they will no longer affect me. You see God is helping me turn my grief into strength.


And today you are all joining my team to help me get there.


Don’t think for a moment that this changes the loss I have experienced - nor does it take away the sadness that will certainly come - as it should and as it must.


But instead of falling down the cliff of despair - instead of relishing on all the negative aspects of the loss - we are now going to a higher place. And God is taking us there. And in this sorry life I have right now - you are all going to take me there whether you like it or not.


Now when I see something that formerly took me down - I might have a momentary flash of what it used to do to me - I look it straight in its symbolic eye and tell it to take a hike. Be gone. You can no longer take me there - you can try and in weaker moments maybe even pull me a bit your way. But I have a new direction - even if I am not completely clear on where that is right now.


I have no way of knowing other than in some weird way I know that it will change.


But I have that new direction.


And it’s not based on grief.


It’s based on hope.


The idea that I now have a new direction is clear - I may not know where that is exactly but I know one thing for sure.


It’s away from you.

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