top of page
Search

7. Let me count the Ways

Updated: May 1, 2020


There are so many.

Written Friday, December 20, 2019 / Day 130 / Early Afternoon


If you have been reading these essays you have found some difficult moments. That’s what my life is made up with at the present time. Moments that are excruciatingly difficult. I have a feeling that this might become one of them.


Maybe I am at the point where this will not be so - we will see.


Someone at the last support group - knowing that I am writing these essays asked me if I had written a letter to my wife. That question took me back a bit because I had never really thought of doing that. I know how I feel about her and if there was one thing I think I might have done right - I always, always told her. I am writing about her - not only here but in the family history I am now in the process of authoring.


Today I’m down with a mild congestion in my throat. Me probably the most boring person on earth right now actually coming down with something. I thought germs might ignore a boring person. Looks like they don’t.


As I was trying to rest - this essay apparently became necessary to write. It’s not actually a letter to Joann - but certain elements of our relationship that I seem to need to express.


Don’t get me wrong, we had our contentions. Life is like that. Personalities are like that. Sort of like the sparks that are generated when you are filing down some metal you are trying to smooth out - to polish, to create a wonderfully smooth surface.


We are human - we are flesh. And along with that comes our human failings. We had them just like anyone else. But that bond that was the foundation of it all - one I have written about previously, was the rock on which our relationship stood upon.


I could not help her enough. In every way. Towards the end - that was even more true. I was needed and I willingly gave myself to every need - and more.


Perhaps it didn’t hurt that I am an affectionate person by nature. So having that proclivity - I always had an easy target. At times she might not have been receptive due to the issue of the moment - but nevertheless - I would be there delivering a hug or whatever regardless.


We were big note leavers. I would leave notes for her to find among her breakfast items after I had left for work. On trips perhaps a card under her pillow.When I traveled for work for many years there would be notes tucked into various places in my luggage and clothes.


Of course I’ve saved them as I am also a person who attaches meaning to things. Now those notes I find I saved are a bittersweet reminder of what I am contending with. Losing something so precious to me.


I would call her from work when I could - at least during lunch time. And if I got busy from some issue she would call to check on me.


It seems like the tears that come are the manifestation of the breakdown of something so close. So personal. Something that was a very part of me. A part that is no longer a part of me.


That absence - that void is what the contention seems to be. Usually when something goes missing you can replace it. In this case - there is no replacing something so wonderful - so much a part of - everything. I am seeing that this is where the tears are coming from.


I do catch myself more and more. Turning to the One who has the strength I do not have to take me through those moments. He is greater than all of this.


I get a grip on this sooner than I used to. The fact that I can even write about these things is proof of some improvement.


But there are so many things - when it is everything.


What we really achieved in our marriage - was that closeness. Those moments where you didn’t have to say anything at all - to say everything that there is to say.


That closeness was wrapped up in a lifetime of struggles and contentions that we faced together. I don’t know if I can say we had more than our share - it sure seemed that way at times. But what we may have lacked in quantity we certainly made up for in quality.


Extraordinary contentions in the beginning. Estrangement from our families, employment issues, leaving all of our family behind to move away - issues with things we thought would always be but did not turn out that way and of course illness.


In the face of all of that our bond became stronger and stronger. It had to - and it did.


Now that I am sitting here in the surreal place that is my life - I still have my part of that bond.


It is a part of me and will always be.


What is ahead? What time will I have here?

Your guess is as good as mine. But while I am here I will record the journey. I will share it to perhaps help someone be able to cope with their incredibly difficult moments. That would be a supreme blessing to me.


As I try to settle myself on where God has brought me - I want to put so many things away literally and physically. I want to not live in the past if it weakens me.


But the past I will live in is the one in which I can remember what made us strong in the face of all that came against us. And in that strength I will count all the ways that our love brought us through those moments - and will bring me to the future as I rest in His strength.


And count the ways I have been and will always be blessed by that love.

コメント

bottom of page