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8. Dear Joann

We all have to face the unthinkable sometimes - this was my time.

Written Friday January 24, 2020 / Day 165 / Evening

My Dear Dear Joann,

This is a day I have not wanted to face. It is so hard to know anything right now. Today as I wrote your letter I was overcome with emotion. It was different than other times so I know there is something special about this moment.

I know the facts but I just do not know how to live without you. I just don’t know how. Every time I kissed you I reminded you about how much I love you. When we sat down for our tea and then I would stop and get up and go over to you to kiss you and embrace you - I never wanted to miss an opportunity to let you know. And I never did.

I would make you laugh when I would tell you that I was “still crazy about you…” because I am and you knew it.

We talked about death, I know. We knew what God had taught us through our years of Bible study and the monthly group He blessed us to host for those eight years - we talked about how little this world has to offer. When you would often mention that you wanted us to die together I would pause a bit - but now in this reality I almost wish that had been the case.

Not having you here is too much to bear.

But thinking of you being here without me is equally unbearable a thought - so if one of us had to continue on I am glad it is me for your sake.

How can I say goodbye?

The situation is what it is. We were praying for our “next chapter” - the upcoming retirement and all that we envisioned. It has been beyond difficult to reconcile God’s decision.

But I thought I had.

I think I have.

We had our miracle in 2015 and we were blessed with more time together.

How much more could there have been? Sooner of later we would be faced with this situation. I try to embrace what God chose for you. There is a bit of comfort in that you are awaiting the time we will be together we so often read in 1 Thessalonians 4:16 - at that last trump - the dead will be raised.

And I told you so often of Colossians 3:3 - we died to this life and our real lives are hidden with Christ in God - this is not even our real life yet. The awfulness that I face each day because of this sinful broken world makes me long for that coming future time.

We knew these things - but life was so difficult for both of us. I could tell that everything was changing in mid-July. I saw where we were headed.

I just do not know how to do anything without you because we did everything together. We prayed together each night before bed since your miracle in 2015.

I thank God for every moment we had. You will always be a part of me.

Now He has led me to a new group. I do not know what I am doing but I know He does.

I just can’t face a future without you. I tell Him that all of the time. Yet I know that He wants me here.

I just have not been able to fathom a life without you in it. I just can’t.

But I come back to His decision. He wants you to not suffer. He took you because your race was finished. And my race has to continue.

I know that I will go on somehow. I do not know how but I will.

I am still sending out the cards on your calendar. I will continue to do that. Some had told me that they thought they would not receive any more cards - but I told them that I will continue to carry on the family business. I am also printing some photos of whoever the card is for and including them - it seems like something you would do. Loving others was so much a part of you - I pray I can express just some of that love in your honor. I am going to try.

I cannot bring my self to actually cook anything as of yet. That was so you and so not me. I get along though - going to Darrells most nights for dinner and then filling in on the few nights I am on my own. I really do not care about that - or anything right now.

But after I wrote your letter today - and after these past two weeks of intense contention - I could actually touch a few of your things and not be devastated.

I spent an hour today just proclaiming to the house that I will not accept plain old sadness in this house any more.

God’s love is not a sad thing. You expressed it to everyone. I did everything I could to help you do that in every way.

On that first night moving into Newell Avenue when you were so distraught over all that had taken place that past January and I realized that I would not allow you to be alone and suffering - I never left you after that - ever. I never wanted you to ever be suffering alone - like I am now suffering.

I may have not done everything right in my life - but that is one thing that I did right. God revealed to me recently that it was His love that propelled me. Here 47 years later I never let up on loving you. He blessed me with the same love - it never left me.

I know that was His gift to me.

You were the other.

And now I have to do the unthinkable. The thing I guess I have been dreading at some background level for these past 165 days - I have to accept where I am. And where I am is without you.

I recently realized that we were one in so many ways after all those years - that I do have you with me in so many ways. So I’m not leaving you in one sense.

And I will be seeing you again. I tell Christ that I will be there. I even know the first words I am going to tell you when we meet again.

Until then I will rest in Christ’s finished work. He has overcome this world and I claim that victory for myself. Even though I am a mess right now - I will recover in some way. For some unknown purpose. As long as He wants me here I will have that assurance.

So my sweetheart - how can I even end this letter? It is like everything else right now - a struggle of the highest magnitude. Maybe I’ll write you again someday.

But for now - I have to say what I cannot say but must. I’ll be seeing you before I know it.

But now I have to go. And I have to let you go. I know you are all right. And God the Father and Jesus have me so I know I will be.

Goodbye my sweetie.

Goodbye….for now.

Love Always,

Steve. B.B.

8. Dear Joann

Written Friday January 24, 2020 / Day 165 / Evening

My Dear Dear Joann,

This is a day I have not wanted to face. It is so hard to know anything right now. Today as I wrote your letter I was overcome with emotion. It was different than other times so I know there is something special about this moment.

I would make you laugh when I would tell you that I was “still crazy about you…” because I am and you knew it.

Not having you here is too much to bear.

But thinking of you being here without me is equally unbearable a thought - so if one of us had to continue on I am glad it is me for your sake.

How can I say goodbye?

The situation is what it is. We were praying for our “next chapter” - the upcoming retirement and all that we envisioned. It has been beyond difficult to reconcile God’s decision.

But I thought I had.

I think I have.

We had our miracle in 2015 and we were blessed with more time together.

And I told you so often of Colossians 3:3 - we died to this life and our real lives are hidden with Christ in God - this is not even our real life yet. The awfulness that I face each day because of this sinful broken world makes me long for that coming future time.

We knew these things - but life was so difficult for both of us. I could tell that everything was changing in mid-July. I saw where we were headed.

I just do not know how to do anything without you because we did everything together. We prayed together each night before bed since your miracle in 2015.

I thank God for every moment we had. You will always be a part of me.

Now He has led me to a new group. I do not know what I am doing but I know He does.

I just can’t face a future without you. I tell Him that all of the time. Yet I know that He wants me here.

I just have not been able to fathom a life without you in it. I just can’t.

But I come back to His decision. He wants you to not suffer. He took you because your race was finished. And my race has to continue.

I know that I will go on somehow. I do not know how but I will.

I cannot bring my self to actually cook anything as of yet. That was so you and so not me. I get along though - going to Darrells most nights for dinner and then filling in on the few nights I am on my own. I really do not care about that - or anything right now.

But after I wrote your letter today - and after these past two weeks of intense contention - I could actually touch a few of your things and not be devastated.

I spent an hour today just proclaiming to the house that I will not accept plain old sadness in this house any more.

God’s love is not a sad thing. You expressed it to everyone. I did everything I could to help you do that in every way.

I may have not done everything right in my life - but that is one thing that I did right. God revealed to me recently that it was His love that propelled me. Here 47 years later I never let up on loving you. He blessed me with the same love - it never left me.

I know that was His gift to me.

You were the other.

And now I have to do the unthinkable. The thing I guess I have been dreading at some background level for these past 165 days - I have to accept where I am. And where I am is without you.

I recently realized that we were one in so many ways after all those years - that I do have you with me in so many ways. So I’m not leaving you in one sense.

And I will be seeing you again. I tell Christ that I will be there. I even know the first words I am going to tell you when we meet again.

Until then I will rest in Christ’s finished work. He has overcome this world and I claim that victory for myself. Even though I am a mess right now - I will recover in some way. For some unknown purpose. As long as He wants me here I will have that assurance.

So my sweetheart - how can I even end this letter? It is like everything else right now - a struggle of the highest magnitude. Maybe I’ll write you again someday.

But for now - I have to say what I cannot say but must. I’ll be seeing you before I know it.

But now I have to go. And I have to let you go. I know you are all right. And God the Father and Jesus have me so I know I will be.

Goodbye my sweetie.

Goodbye….for now.

Love Always,

Steve. B.B.

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