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8. Giving Life


Use it for good.

Written Friday, October 25, 2019 / Day 74 / Morning


After a quite intense session with myself, grief and God the previous evening, I awoke today after a period of actual sleep. It was 5 hours in a row but for me - that was quite an accomplishment these days.


Sleep during my trip and the first few nights home was quite a struggle. Today, the feeling of an actual period of sleep was quite welcome.


Dealing with the aftermath of the trip and all that it represented as well as my first session of the coping with the loss of a spouse support group had been a lot to process.


One of the themes that struck me during the session was how we hold on to the tangible in the face of death. The biggest indicator from those in the group was the need to hold on to the ashes of the lost spouse.


My sensibilities do not include that type of thinking. Having the relationship with God that my wife and I experienced taught us more of the spiritual side as opposed to the tangible.

As I have learned everyone has their perspective so I never feel I am the one that is responsible to change that.


But for me - it was quite stunning what a grip the idea of somehow still having your dear one with you via the physical remnants of their body was more common than I had known.


This made me realize something today - in the light of the new day and my tumultuous session the previous night about the sadness and despair I am facing and so want to end.


I no longer am going to give life to the things and memories that make me sad. I realize that I am giving permission to these elements to make me sad, recall the past and all of its pain and issues and then take me to a hopeless place of emptiness and despair.


I am done with that.


Because when you really think about it - we are giving permission for things to affect us. Oh we might think that we are helpless in that regard - perhaps some times that might be slightly true - but generally we are allowing the problem to occur.


I just never realized I might be able to stop it.


I had been dealing with parts of this when I realized I did not want to relive past situations that are now resolved. Reliving those situations is unproductive and actually destructive to a degree. The old adage, “crying over spilled milk”, applies here. The milk is spilled. What’s crying going to do? Make it go back into the glass?


In the same way - things that evoke sadness are only good for - evoking sadness. And what does that do for you?


It just makes you sad.


So as I see parts of this idea in the past weeks - they have seemed to now have come together as I understand more.


I do have a hand in this. I have seen shadows of this idea - now I see the actual idea.


So I am not going to allow things or memories to take me to a sad place. Now there will always be sadness for the loss - that will never change.


What has been dragging me down has been this terrible despair that I wrote about a few essays ago. That is going to end.


I am not giving life to the things that make me sad. I have been doing this.


And as I have looked at God’s decision to not heal my sweetie and have viewed that as an anchor but then have gone to a place of suffering for my situation - I have to accept that in God’s decision I am now here because there is something for me to do.


Doing it without her has been infinitely unbearable - but as He is revealing to me - it is His decision that my future here on earth will be without her.


And I have to be good with that.


This seems to be a small step forward in that way.


I will not look at her things and be transported to a place of despair and foreboding. I will no longer allow that. These “things” no longer have that power over me. And those memories - the ones that try to relive the worst of times - they are no longer allowed. If they show up - they are out of here.


I will give life to the love we shared. The best of the times. And if some of the sadness comes - it can come - but it will not be allowed to immobilize me. To beat me up. That is no longer an option.


I’m sure I will have to work at this for a while - but the path forward in this area at least is now clear.


I will be giving life to the love we had - that I still have for her. I will rejoice in the good times - knowing that in God’s plan - we have our real lives coming (Colossians 3:3 NLT). I will be sad for what has been lost - but confident that God has me here for His purpose.


Right now - I do not have all the answers.


But today He has given life to me.


And that hope for the future is just a little bit closer than it was yesterday.


1 Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. 2 Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. 3 For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.

Colossians 3:1-3 (NLT)

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