8. Lessons from Day 245

Written Tuesday, April 14, 2020 / Day 246 / Evening

When God delivers a message there can be no mistake about it. On day 245 He delivered several unmistakable messages.

It actually began the previous evening - Sunday - day 244.

I was flipping through the television channels, I’m not sure why I was even doing that since I rarely watch anything other than weather and occasionally a few selected shows - none of which I watched in my pre-grief life.

I happened on a movie channel that was playing the movie "A Beautiful Mind”. I played a few minutes of it as it was in progress. During that time, the music caught my attention. I was familiar with the music and I heard enough for the music to intrigue me.

After turning off the television, I set out to find the soundtrack. I found a web post of an entire hour of the original music which I played.

What intrigued me about the music was its scope. It’s majesty. The tone is neither sad, nor happy. The music has a serious quality to it - quite orchestral and sweeping in its presentation. There is an element of wonder and awe to certain parts of it that captivated me. I love motion picture soundtracks that have those qualities in general.

As I listened to each section and was swept away by the scope, intensity and wonder of it all - an interesting thing happened.

I had an emotional reaction to what I was hearing. Tears appeared. Along with the tears were thoughts and images of the events of the past March. All of what took place both actually as well as the intense emotional roller coaster that was my life for that period of time.

This was unexpected, upsetting at one level - yet compelling in another. I continued to listen to the entire hour. I was lost in the moments of the music and how they were triggering emotions from every aspect of this recent part of the journey.

I went to bed that evening with a new and interesting twist I never could have anticipated.

Monday - Early Morning

I woke up with rain pounding the window of the bedroom - a storm raging outside. It was around 6:00 am. I got up and tuned in to the weather forecasters. They warned everyone of unusually strong and intense storms and wind for most of the morning. Then throughout the afternoon the high winds would subside, the sun would come out and the day would end calm.

Metaphor received. That’s sure a picture of my recent life.

Monday Morning - Part 1

I played the hour of the soundtrack once again as I exercised for the day. The same thing happened. I was swept away by what I was hearing. My life of grief, the liberation from it and my wonderful gift of conversation all playing together as the music captivated my every moment.

What was happening here?

I did not know. But one thing I did realize was quite stunning.

In the background, I was feeling peace throughout all of this episode.

Upon playing the soundtrack yet again, the same confluence of emotions, thoughts and memories were invoked.

It was another remarkable moment.

And then it struck me.

This made me feel settled. It was a totally new and unexpected event.

Monday Morning - Part 2

Another objective of my Monday was to try and reorganize the dining room I have been using as a “war room” throughout this journey. It was time to organize and really clean it up a bit. I wanted to arrange all that was in the room so I could get on with the family history and other related tasks.

I arranged quite a few things and then ran into Joanns materials from the funeral. The paperwork, cards and all the remnants from that day. I found two storage boxes and boxed up everything along with the paperwork and removed it from the room - placing it on the top of a bookcase in our office area in the back of the house.

Touching all the material at this time made me think - why today? What was that about?

Something unsettled became somewhat settled was the thought that struck me.

Monday Morning - Part 3

It was laundry day. A load of clothes, then it was time to change the sheets and pillow cases. Every other time, I changed the pillow case liners. This was their time to be changed. The laundry work proceeded throughout the day. I picked out the new sheets and made up the bed without the pillowcases and their liners.

Monday Afternoon

I got behind and was not able to complete drying that load of items for the bed before leaving for my son’s home. Something to do when I returned in the early evening. I then left for my son’s home.

Monday Late Afternoon

While at my Son’s, I purchased the online version of the soundtrack. I was listening to it so much I though I might as well have the official version. On my way home that evening I played several selections. They were quite moving but as I was driving I did not let the emotion take over as it was trying to do.

Monday Early Evening

Playing the new soundtrack continued to elicit the emotional environment I had been experiencing quite profoundly. It continued to be a mixture of wonder and deep emotion during the music. This experience was a new element that I marveled at. A continuation of what had begun the previous evening.

Monday Late Evening - Part 1

It was now time to wind down and get to bed. There were those pesky pillows to get together so I sorted out the other parts of the load and proceeded to put the pillows together. Then I noticed something odd:

I had an extra pillow case liner.

And then the thought hit - I washed Joann’s pillow case liner.

Not the worst thing in the world - except that was something I was not going to do. I don’t know for how long - I just wanted to leave it and just change the pillow case.

I sat on the edge of the bed and cried. I’m not sure what for. It was like a mini-loss of something. I got myself together and said to just get going. I finished up the bed.

Monday Late Evening - Part 2

Then the next totally unexpected, stunning and overwhelming thing happened.

In the downloaded album I purchased was an extra song. It was the theme song for the movie. The song had not been a part of the soundtrack file I had been listening to. At this point the song played. It was the first time I had heard it in about 20 years since we had seen the movie originally.

The song was gripping, touching and disarming. A transcript of my life in grief coupled with the freedom and comfort God delivered to me in March.

I was totally in shock.

To fully understand, here are the words to the song.

“All Love Can Be”

Words by Will Jenkins, Music by James Horner

I will watch you in the darkness

Show you love will see you through

When the bad dreams wake you crying

I'll show you all love can do

All love can do

I will watch through the night

Hold you in my arms

Give you dreams where none will be

I will watch through the dark

Till the morning comes

For the light will take you

Through the night to see our light

Showing us all love can be

I will guard you with my bright wings

Stay till your heart learns to see

All love can be

Although obviously written for the movie theme, the words here have captured my time in the state of grief as well as my liberation.

I was in the darkness, every day, every hour, every minute. There were times I would wake up crying. Many many countless times, at the worst moments I would pray that God would hold me so I could get through those awful emotional, empty periods.

He gave me the faith to dream of a time when the situation would change.

Then the “morning” came for me in March, 2020. That glorious time in which my world changed forever. (Volume 8 - Essay #3“ Lessons of March, 2020”). He answered my prayer for conversation bringing me the one who would help me find out all that love can be in my new life.

You can see how this song struck me to the core of my being.

On this 245th day of the journey - the first day of the ninth month - I received God’s unmistakable message.

It is a message of growth - small yet significant changes from filing funeral records to washing a pillow case liner - two signs of a change of heart.

Storms had raged, but now the sun was out - the storm has passed. Peace and calm now reign.

And I have been given the gift of a guide to help me as God heals my broken heart and uses His emissary to help me learn what love will be.

It is a profound statement that we are on our way to something that is beyond me.

So on this first day of the ninth month I begin yet another journey.

The message is clear.

And today was the first step towards my incredible future He has ordained for me to live.