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8. Uneasy Peace

Updated: May 4, 2020


Dealing with what is.

Written Tuesday, September 24, 2019 / Day 43 / Morning


The ebb and flow of emotions in the world of grief is quite disarming. Mainly because when they do come - they can be overwhelming and devastating. Having passed the 40 day mark - I do marvel that I am experiencing a difference in these episodes.


I am still having them but when I do they have turned the moment into a conversational (from my part) time with God.


I cannot imagine experiencing what I have been experiencing without God in the picture. For those who do not know Him yet I can see where there could be great anger for what has taken place.


Our experience however is quite different. God has always been a part of our lives - my wife was totally aware of what was ahead of her - our decades of Bible study without a church organization, church culture or prevailing Christian values to tell us what to believe put us in a very unique position.


The Bible is our foundation and when you study it and are led by it you will often come in conflict with all of those elements I just mentioned.


Needless to say, my wife was 100% sure of what was coming - as I am. Now that didn’t mean she did not have apprehensions and anxiety about some aspects of what we learned - but God’s love and His spirit surround us with a confidence and peace when we let it.


She totally had that throughout those final weeks as well as the years of health issues that began back in 2011.


In these past few days, these moments of deep, heartfelt and overwhelming emotions have come. When they do, I sit in our swivel chair and just tick through the elements out loud with God.


I go through my logic routine. She is settled. You decided that. She is at peace and awaiting the resurrection you taught us about through your Word.


Then I go through my particular grief episode themes. Lately I have been quite bold. The Bible does say to boldly approach the throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16) and I do.


I tell Him to help me out of the pit I am in. To remove these deep moments of anguish. That He made the decision to take her and He has the responsibility to take me out of this anguish and suffering I am now facing.


In the past few days - the theme of my life being over has surfaced. What I mean is that everything I had been doing in my life - and most of it had to do with her, or a connection to her - is now over.


My marriage is now over. Death do us part. So I am alone.


What has been the insurmountable weight I have been carrying is that all of my being, my activities, my routines even my very thinking has my wife at its core and all of that is also over.

All of that has died.


And I don’t want it to because it represents her in my life.


My life, in that sense is over.


And there is nothing as yet to replace it.


Even if I wanted to replace it which I don’t.


So there is the logic problem. But what I am seeing - and in the seeing there appears to be a mild settling effect - is that my life is now over. I mourn the loss because all of my life now has no theme - but I need to keep telling myself that this is the new reality as much as I don’t want it.


Sorting out keeping her with me and letting her go to get on with some nebulous “new life” is the conflict and daily struggle.


Now it seems - at least I have a clearer picture of the struggle.


There’s a certain element of “settledness” (not a real word I know) in this realization.


Yesterday I made a goal. A rather big one.


I made plans to fly to Buffalo for a week to be with my Mother-in-law and Brother-in-law and the friends I can meet. It had been on my mind for a while.


So in a few weeks that will take place.


Look at me - setting a goal.


Perhaps it’s a start - it certainly seems to be something.


I can say I don’t want a life without my wife but the truth is that is where I am. I now have a life without her. Settling all the elements of my life - ending them in a sense because she is not here to be a part of them is what is next.


I could not stomach that but now I see a bit of movement.


So I will take a breath and continue on as God helps me sort these things out.


I’ll let him know how its going the next time we talk.


But I think He’s already ahead of me on that.

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