9. As a Child

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Written Thursday, December 26, 2019 / Day 136 / Late Afternoon

I have found that I relate quite a bit to my three and a half year old granddaughter - Hannah.

We both seem to have our moments for different reasons, of course. But in watching her behavior I am strangely drawn to the fact that she is acting in exactly the way I am acting.

Even though our ages are dramatically different I find she suffers from a lot of the same things I see myself suffering.

She can’t have something she wants.

Right, check. Got you on that one.

Although her issue is the cookie, mine is my dear sweetie.

But we have the same reaction.

We fuss, We cry. We carry on and on.

Hmmmmm.

There are times her father tells her to sit in the chair for dinner if she would like to be a “big girl” and not have to sit in the high chair.

It often works for a while….a little while really. Then over he comes to swoop her off the bench and into the high chair.

In my world I don’t care at all for the present. The present is not desirable because the most important part of my every day is no longer present in my every day.

So I wander off into the past. A past where my sweetie is. There I can enjoy her and what we did in those times. It is what I really want.

But then my Father has to come and swoop me back to the present. That happens with the tears come that sweep me out of the delightful past I long to reclaim and deposit me back here - where I am forced to stomach the cold hard reality of the present.

Wah.

Sometimes as the over-active analyst that I am - I find I am over thinking a few things. I know I can have a problem in this area. That’s the first step I have heard.

But if I really boil down my situation on a truly emotional level - pure emotion - it would seem that I am experiencing a prolonged, intense temper tantrum.

I lost something that was really valuable to me. It was a part of me I cultivated and embraced for 47 years. It was taken away from me.

And I want it back.

Wah.

I walk through our relationship and all that it meant - all that we shared. And all that we loved about each other. I’m also practical enough to remember everything wasn’t always sunshine, lollipops and rainbows all the time. Life is like that.

But what we shared - the special, the unique, all that made up what we were - is now gone.

I even acknowledge that God was a part of the end. We prayed. We had a genuine miracle in our lives in 2015. That was real. And we celebrated it.

Then when another miracle did not come along and God’s answer was no. That relationship ended.

And I want it back.

Wah.

So is this the net of what this experience is all about about? Is this what the prevailing “get over it” thinking is that seems to fly all over the place when people are talking about death situations? “Well, time will help him 'get over' it…”. Really? Is that what we are talking about here?

Is it disrespectful to look at the situation this way?

Well, I still have love in my heart for her - and always will. I cannot reclaim what has been taken away. I can reminisce about the past but not relive it. I must live in this cold hard reality without her.

But I don’t want to.

Really I don’t.

Wah.

9. As a Child

Written Thursday, December 26, 2019 / Day 136 / Late Afternoon

I have found that I relate quite a bit to my three and a half year old granddaughter - Hannah.

We both seem to have our moments for different reasons, of course. But in watching her behavior I am strangely drawn to the fact that she is acting in exactly the way I am acting.

Even though our ages are dramatically different I find she suffers from a lot of the same things I see myself suffering.

She can’t have something she wants.

Right, check. Got you on that one.

Although her issue is the cookie, mine is my dear sweetie.

But we have the same reaction.

We fuss, We cry. We carry on and on.

Hmmmmm.

There are times her father tells her to sit in the chair for dinner if she would like to be a “big girl” and not have to sit in the high chair.

It often works for a while….a little while really. Then over he comes to swoop her off the bench and into the high chair.

In my world I don’t care at all for the present. The present is not desirable because the most important part of my every day is no longer present in my every day.

So I wander off into the past. A past where my sweetie is. There I can enjoy her and what we did in those times. It is what I really want.

But then my Father has to come and swoop me back to the present. That happens with the tears come that sweep me out of the delightful past I long to reclaim and deposit me back here - where I am forced to stomach the cold hard reality of the present.

Wah.

Sometimes as the over-active analyst that I am - I find I am over thinking a few things. I know I can have a problem in this area. That’s the first step I have heard.

But if I really boil down my situation on a truly emotional level - pure emotion - it would seem that I am experiencing a prolonged, intense temper tantrum.

I lost something that was really valuable to me. It was a part of me I cultivated and embraced for 47 years. It was taken away from me.

And I want it back.

Wah.

I walk through our relationship and all that it meant - all that we shared. And all that we loved about each other. I’m also practical enough to remember everything wasn’t always sunshine, lollipops and rainbows all the time. Life is like that.

But what we shared - the special, the unique, all that made up what we were - is now gone.

I even acknowledge that God was a part of the end. We prayed. We had a genuine miracle in our lives in 2015. That was real. And we celebrated it.

Then when another miracle did not come along and God’s answer was no. That relationship ended.

And I want it back.

Wah.

Is it disrespectful to look at the situation this way?

Well, I still have love in my heart for her - and always will. I cannot reclaim what has been taken away. I can reminisce about the past but not relive it. I must live in this cold hard reality without her.

But I don’t want to.

Really I don’t.

Wah.

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