9. Grief vs. Gratitude

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Written Wednesday, November 27, 2019 / Day 107 / Morning

As the eve of the most thankful day of the year approaches I am as conflicted as I always am.

Facing these days without the most extraordinary person I could have ever had the privilege of knowing - let alone sharing life with for 47 years - and amidst the sadness and emptiness that is part of my everyday life - I have encountered an unexpected visitor - gratitude.

Unexpected because in the world of grief there is nothing positive. The closest I get to positive is the momentary absence of emptiness and despair. Somewhat like a truce - the war is not over (nor will it ever be as far as the loss is concerned) but the fighting has ceased for the moment.

So to have the unexpected visitor of gratitude show up is quite disarming.

The reaction? - “What are you doing here?”, I might ask.

“To remind you of what you have.”, is the response.

Well - go away is my answer - I’m fine in my crater of a life trying to navigate the rubble to see where I end up whenever I can find my way out of the maze.

But gratitude is trying to make a point.

Okay, I’ll listen.

I learn that I have quite a bit. In my personal situation I have a home, resources and family that has reached out to embrace me.

I have been given the ability to take action in several areas - the biggest one was traveling back home to visit family and friends in October. Unfortunately I relived a lot of what I wanted to avoid and had every fiber of my being fighting against.

But once I returned and had several of the most intense days I could have ever imagined - there was a noticeable change in the relentless despair and heaviness I had been facing.

An astounding answer to a prayer. But an infinitely painful journey to arrive at the blessing.

And then there is the memory of my dear sweetie. I can at least have a few and not face the toxic meltdown that the exercise used to invoke.

I am grateful to God that He let me find such an incredible person - one who I was happy to give my life for when she needed it. One who is no longer suffering. One who has finished her race and is awaiting the future time we read about in 1 Thessalonians 4:16.

And this writing that I can barely understand has given me comfort and perhaps someday can help others navigate this dark place we must contend with.

Then there is hope. Like that smoke alarm battery that keeps beeping to be replaced - I constantly have a picture of things getting better.

I don’t know how. I don’t know when. And actually right now - I just don’t care about any of that.

Yet that little beep is still in the background.

It’s calling.

But now is not the time for that.

It is a time to continue to honor my dear sweetie by taking things day by day just as she did.

By following along in the tremendous faith she displayed at the absolutely worst time in her life.

By facing the day and honoring her memory by sharing her life as I am able.

This may not be the day for the future. But it is a day that will take me there.

And for that I am grateful beyond words.

9. Grief vs. Gratitude

Written Wednesday, November 27, 2019 / Day 107 / Morning

As the eve of the most thankful day of the year approaches I am as conflicted as I always am.

Facing these days without the most extraordinary person I could have ever had the privilege of knowing - let alone sharing life with for 47 years - and amidst the sadness and emptiness that is part of my everyday life - I have encountered an unexpected visitor - gratitude.

Unexpected because in the world of grief there is nothing positive. The closest I get to positive is the momentary absence of emptiness and despair. Somewhat like a truce - the war is not over (nor will it ever be as far as the loss is concerned) but the fighting has ceased for the moment.

So to have the unexpected visitor of gratitude show up is quite disarming.

The reaction? - “What are you doing here?”, I might ask.

“To remind you of what you have.”, is the response.

Well - go away is my answer - I’m fine in my crater of a life trying to navigate the rubble to see where I end up whenever I can find my way out of the maze.

But gratitude is trying to make a point.

Okay, I’ll listen.

I learn that I have quite a bit. In my personal situation I have a home, resources and family that has reached out to embrace me.

I have been given the ability to take action in several areas - the biggest one was traveling back home to visit family and friends in October. Unfortunately I relived a lot of what I wanted to avoid and had every fiber of my being fighting against.

But once I returned and had several of the most intense days I could have ever imagined - there was a noticeable change in the relentless despair and heaviness I had been facing.

An astounding answer to a prayer. But an infinitely painful journey to arrive at the blessing.

And then there is the memory of my dear sweetie. I can at least have a few and not face the toxic meltdown that the exercise used to invoke.

I am grateful to God that He let me find such an incredible person - one who I was happy to give my life for when she needed it. One who is no longer suffering. One who has finished her race and is awaiting the future time we read about in 1 Thessalonians 4:16.

And this writing that I can barely understand has given me comfort and perhaps someday can help others navigate this dark place we must contend with.

Then there is hope. Like that smoke alarm battery that keeps beeping to be replaced - I constantly have a picture of things getting better.

I don’t know how. I don’t know when. And actually right now - I just don’t care about any of that.

Yet that little beep is still in the background.

It’s calling.

But now is not the time for that.

It is a time to continue to honor my dear sweetie by taking things day by day just as she did.

By following along in the tremendous faith she displayed at the absolutely worst time in her life.

By facing the day and honoring her memory by sharing her life as I am able.

This may not be the day for the future. But it is a day that will take me there.

And for that I am grateful beyond words.

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