9. Self-Inflicted

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Written Wednesday, September 25, 2019 / Day 44 / Afternoon

Grief is something you navigate - it can’t be controlled. It is such a powerful force I have found that at times it cannot be resisted. Lately though, I am finding that I am an accomplice in grief’s work. And the more I realize it - the more I see that I do have some limited power to confront it.

There was the beach trip. It was a new place - a place my wife and I had no history with. It was a neutral place. I noticed that grief’s hold was limited while I was there.

I had my moments for sure - but they were not of the intensity and impact that I was experiencing at home. This was a welcome relief.

When returning home, as I expected, grief was waiting for me. And I was past due on my grief because of my absence.

The last few days I have been realizing that in my reminiscing moments - I seem to be magnifying grief’s effects.

Yes I miss her, yes I lament on what has been lost - the future that will never be, I go on and on. Then I realize - what are you doing? Why are you whipping up these things. They will never be. She is settled. She is at rest. Why are you making something out of things that can never be? What is the point?

Then I actually catch myself - amidst the tears for sure, and say…why that’s right. Let me cry for what has been actually lost - not what could never be.

Let me not cry for made up things that I hoped would happen. Nothing can make them happen.

If anything - cry about real things that happened, experiences you shared - the ones you now miss.

It struck me today, actually - that I want to dwell on the times we were sharing good moments if I have to dwell on something. I don’t want to mourn about a nebulous future that I’m dreaming up - no let me miss the best of her that actually was.

And let me not whip myself up to a frenzy about what I cannot change.

Perhaps this is some type of growth - I don’t know. But it has made an ever so slight difference in how I am experiencing my grief sessions - if you could call them that.

Facing what has been lost is beyond difficult. It just doesn’t make sense right now - perhaps in time it will - or at least the loss will not be as toxic as it is right now.

I do find myself stopping my descent when I feel it coming….I will catch myself saying…no - that is not how I want to grieve.

Wow - do I dare tell grief how I want to grieve?

Well we’ll give it a shot.

At times in these past 44 days, I have felt like a bunch of bullies have been beating me up regularly. Being new to the neighborhood I have just taken it. Partly because of being overwhelmed with everything coming crashing down on me.

It has just been how it has been.

But now there seems to be a change.

The beach showed me that my grief has it’s limits.

And if I’m going to have to live with this loss - I can at least not beat myself up while grief and it’s friends work me over.

And maybe, as I get better at this - put grief in its place.

Now that would be something indeed.

9. Self-Inflicted

Written Wednesday, September 25, 2019 / Day 44 / Afternoon

There was the beach trip. It was a new place - a place my wife and I had no history with. It was a neutral place. I noticed that grief’s hold was limited while I was there.

I had my moments for sure - but they were not of the intensity and impact that I was experiencing at home. This was a welcome relief.

When returning home, as I expected, grief was waiting for me. And I was past due on my grief because of my absence.

The last few days I have been realizing that in my reminiscing moments - I seem to be magnifying grief’s effects.

Then I actually catch myself - amidst the tears for sure, and say…why that’s right. Let me cry for what has been actually lost - not what could never be.

Let me not cry for made up things that I hoped would happen. Nothing can make them happen.

If anything - cry about real things that happened, experiences you shared - the ones you now miss.

It struck me today, actually - that I want to dwell on the times we were sharing good moments if I have to dwell on something. I don’t want to mourn about a nebulous future that I’m dreaming up - no let me miss the best of her that actually was.

And let me not whip myself up to a frenzy about what I cannot change.

Perhaps this is some type of growth - I don’t know. But it has made an ever so slight difference in how I am experiencing my grief sessions - if you could call them that.

Facing what has been lost is beyond difficult. It just doesn’t make sense right now - perhaps in time it will - or at least the loss will not be as toxic as it is right now.

I do find myself stopping my descent when I feel it coming….I will catch myself saying…no - that is not how I want to grieve.

Wow - do I dare tell grief how I want to grieve?

Well we’ll give it a shot.

At times in these past 44 days, I have felt like a bunch of bullies have been beating me up regularly. Being new to the neighborhood I have just taken it. Partly because of being overwhelmed with everything coming crashing down on me.

It has just been how it has been.

But now there seems to be a change.

The beach showed me that my grief has it’s limits.

And if I’m going to have to live with this loss - I can at least not beat myself up while grief and it’s friends work me over.

And maybe, as I get better at this - put grief in its place.

Now that would be something indeed.

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