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9. Tears of Change


Tears seem to lead the way.

Written Sunday January 26, 2020 / Day 167 / Afternoon


Words seem to be only markers for certain moments in this world of grief that really do not correctly reflect what is behind them. The emotions that ebb and flow remain a mystery to me - a mystery in how to express them.


Tears seem to be the universal currency in that respect.


The essays on saying goodbye have to be the most extreme moments of my journey so for. Nearly impossible to write - and on the second day since their writing - nearly impossible to read. It is in my heart to continue that effort so I can record the audio of their message.

Within this swirling torrent of emotion - I have again sensed a change. It has been a rather profound one. There have not been too many on this journey - yet when they have occurred they have ushered in a new atmosphere and context of the trip.


Several of Joann’s things have been absolutely toxic to me - I mean that even touching them took me down on a quick and devastating descent to the worst place I could ever go.


Those things now have changed. I know it is not the things that are doing this - but their power over me has changed. Perhaps it really is my sensitivity to what they represent that has changed.


I can now touch them.


And nothing happens.


It is one of those “whoa” moments. I was stopped in my tracks. I can now touch them? - and survive the event?


This is big.

It is different. And as always who knows what it means.

It is interesting that something of this magnitude happens but the overall state I must live in has not really changed. The intensity as I have noticed over these past months has diminished - that is certainly a good direction.


The idea then, of “saying goodby” as my grief support group friend mentioned to me so many weeks back has turned into a watershed moment.

As I have previously mentioned about how my tears felt when in late October the heavy weight of despair was miraculously lifted from me - the heavy sad tears seems to change to be coming from a different place.


Now I would have to say that is true again.


I am adamant that sad-for-the-sake-of-sad tears are not permitted in my home any longer.


But these tears, the tears of goodbye - seem to be in yet another category.


My nature so wants to define them but cannot. So I will just take comfort in that they seem to be coming from a more healing than a hurtful place.


And in this week ahead - a week of goodbye - there will be something new coming on horizon.


The future that is ahead - the one I can never see coming.


Until the tears of change lead me to that future God has is preparing for me.

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