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9. The Answer

Written Monday March 2, 2020 / Day 203 / Afternoon

I have always considered myself a patient person. Now as I actually examine that observation I have to say I am really not as patient as I had thought. I believe I have been confusing not having an obvious physical reaction to a trying situation as being patient. Perhaps it is on one level - but actually I see how impatient I have been.

I can assess a situation - and long for a change or resolution or whatever - and when I do not see a solution coming - I do not get demonstrably upset - but mentally - well, there’s an entire rowdy frat-house of impatience in progress in my mind.

As the months have rolled by - I dream of a mythical solution for my dilemma. Trapped of course by the tightly woven life I have left behind and the one who was everything - and still is.

The last Sunday of February I had a session with a particularly heartfelt expression of my impatience.

I pleaded to God for someone to have a conversation with about this journey. I lamented on the loss of my dear sweetie and how that loss has resulted in this excruciatingly quiet existence. I cried out to have some relief.

And all I was asking for was a conversation.

Because it is difficult to have them in our situations. I have no idea how to have them and the people we are with don’t want us upset either. As a result our friends and acquaintances do very little - or nothing.

That’s just what I used to do.

Even when there is a lunch or other encounter - the conversations are not all that deep. How could they be?

For us in the world of grief - it is really that we live two lives.

Our public persona is the one we use most of the time. It’s like the press release that really pasteurizes the actual news down to a safe, non-political, non-disruptive narrative.

Meanwhile, in our back room - there is an endless fireworks display of emotional contentions taking place. Very intense moments that are left to the protected areas of our lives and are not for public consumption.

But that dual life is tiring. We have no physical outlet.

Grief support groups help to a degree - I have participated in several.

But what we really want, really need - is that one-on-one time. That exchange of what is taking place in the back room. That sharing of the deepest contentions.

A conversation.

So my prayer was to please, please send me conversation.

I’m not ready for a relationship - or something complicated. I can’t really even handle my basic life all that well - outside of my obligations.

I just need to talk. To share. And to help someone else do the same.

But where are they?

How would I ever find someone?

One week later - on the first Sunday of March, I was attending my 8th week of my new reality. That new church family.

I had been selectively sharing some of these essays with a few leaders. They particularly enjoyed the one about my first encounter on that second Sunday of January. They have been a sort of a resume. And apparently God was using this to work something out.

So here I was getting a seat. I sit in a different place each week since I don’t feel settled at all - but comfortable. It is a large auditorium and I was sitting a few rows down from the back in the middle this time.

Just before services, here comes someone walking towards my seat in the middle row! I suspected a greeting as many have wonderfully done. As she approached I noticed - she had a glow about her (not an actual one) - this was really a positive person coming my way.

I stand up and we meet. The Pastor’s wife said that she should come over and meet me. She said that if I ever want to talk that we could. She had a loss over a year before. Talk? Wow.

And there it was.

An answered prayer.

And why do I doubt?

Because I am impatient? Probably - there’s some some of that.

But here was the exact answer to my prayer. God brought someone to meet me.

We planned on meeting in a few days.

It is all quite mind-boggling none-the-less.

God sent His answer.

And I have mine.

A conversation is about to begin. That one I so desperately need. That one that God knows I need. And now it was time for it to come to pass.

Praise Him!

9. The Answer

Written Monday March 2, 2020 / Day 203 / Afternoon

I can assess a situation - and long for a change or resolution or whatever - and when I do not see a solution coming - I do not get demonstrably upset - but mentally - well, there’s an entire rowdy frat-house of impatience in progress in my mind.

As the months have rolled by - I dream of a mythical solution for my dilemma. Trapped of course by the tightly woven life I have left behind and the one who was everything - and still is.

The last Sunday of February I had a session with a particularly heartfelt expression of my impatience.

I pleaded to God for someone to have a conversation with about this journey. I lamented on the loss of my dear sweetie and how that loss has resulted in this excruciatingly quiet existence. I cried out to have some relief.

And all I was asking for was a conversation.

Because it is difficult to have them in our situations. I have no idea how to have them and the people we are with don’t want us upset either. As a result our friends and acquaintances do very little - or nothing.

That’s just what I used to do.

Even when there is a lunch or other encounter - the conversations are not all that deep. How could they be?

For us in the world of grief - it is really that we live two lives.

Our public persona is the one we use most of the time. It’s like the press release that really pasteurizes the actual news down to a safe, non-political, non-disruptive narrative.

Meanwhile, in our back room - there is an endless fireworks display of emotional contentions taking place. Very intense moments that are left to the protected areas of our lives and are not for public consumption.

But that dual life is tiring. We have no physical outlet.

Grief support groups help to a degree - I have participated in several.

But what we really want, really need - is that one-on-one time. That exchange of what is taking place in the back room. That sharing of the deepest contentions.

A conversation.

So my prayer was to please, please send me conversation.

I’m not ready for a relationship - or something complicated. I can’t really even handle my basic life all that well - outside of my obligations.

I just need to talk. To share. And to help someone else do the same.

But where are they?

How would I ever find someone?

One week later - on the first Sunday of March, I was attending my 8th week of my new reality. That new church family.

I had been selectively sharing some of these essays with a few leaders. They particularly enjoyed the one about my first encounter on that second Sunday of January. They have been a sort of a resume. And apparently God was using this to work something out.

So here I was getting a seat. I sit in a different place each week since I don’t feel settled at all - but comfortable. It is a large auditorium and I was sitting a few rows down from the back in the middle this time.

Just before services, here comes someone walking towards my seat in the middle row! I suspected a greeting as many have wonderfully done. As she approached I noticed - she had a glow about her (not an actual one) - this was really a positive person coming my way.

I stand up and we meet. The Pastor’s wife said that she should come over and meet me. She said that if I ever want to talk that we could. She had a loss over a year before. Talk? Wow.

And there it was.

An answered prayer.

And why do I doubt?

Because I am impatient? Probably - there’s some some of that.

But here was the exact answer to my prayer. God brought someone to meet me.

We planned on meeting in a few days.

It is all quite mind-boggling none-the-less.

God sent His answer.

And I have mine.

A conversation is about to begin. That one I so desperately need. That one that God knows I need. And now it was time for it to come to pass.

Praise Him!

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