5. 40

The 40th day.

Written Saturday, September 21, 2019 / Day 40 / Afternoon

Today is the 40th day since my world changed forever. Time, for the present is non-existent in one sense. Had a call from someone today about the monthly Bible study - I had to tell them that for the present those would no longer happen. I tried to explain a bit but realized that this is the way it is going to be going forward.

It made me look at my present condition. I find it fascinating that there is a perception that this is merely an interruption. Well it is in one sense but I used the example of the Bahamas and hurricane Dorian.

The people fled their homes as they could - the main islands - then the storm came though. Everything was wiped out. When they returned there was really nothing to return to.

Everything that had been there had been wiped out. How do you “move on” from that?

In the physical sense there will have to be rebuilding - of everything. How will the people operate? Everything they knew has been eliminated. To go forward they will have to build everything new and learn new ways of doing….just about everything.

My grief story is somewhat like that. My wife was at the heart of my world. Our marriage was a bit strange in that I wanted to be with her all the time so that’s how we lived. I didn’t have any interests that would take me away from her. We were close. Then I became the care giver which added additional responsibilities (that I gladly took on).

Then we had plans for the retirement that was to begin August 1, 2019.

When the storm came through - all of that was destroyed. The plans, my activities and my sweetie pie all gone in one stroke.

As I assess my current situation I’d have to say that I am operating on a certain level as “normal”. That’s what I am calling my “administrative” life.

But other than that - I am numb. I am totally beyond apathetic because in apathy you have some ability to advance but do not choose to do it. In my world there is not a choice between activity and inactivity - there simply is no emotional energy to do anything.

It’s not even an empty room - it is a vacuum.

If someone were to ask me to “move on” - I’d have to ask them, “To what exactly?”.

My wife was at the center of everything - so “moving on” would mean moving on without her. I know in a practical sense that some type of future will emerge. But for now - I am paralyzed and weak. Any direction “forward” I could take would have one problem - she would not be a part of it.

A logic problem for sure. But more importantly an emotional problem of the highest magnitude.

I cry at times lately about how this just doesn’t make sense to me. For me to be here alone with everything around me except her is just too painful to bear. But I am bearing up to a degree. So perhaps that is some imperceptible movement.

“Life” needs a few basic elements to work - right now I am missing the wheels, steering and a destination. Society seems to say “move on”, “get going”, “stay active”. And right now my answer is “What for?”.

Our culture uses knowledge for every problem and in the case of grief - knowledge is not an answer - nor is it a comfort. In fact, it is an irritation, an offensive approach because when a significant relationship has been destroyed - you either need to fix the old one or start a new one.

Neither of those paths are options for me.

So I schedule lunches with friends - I find I can’t handle too many - that will be an indicator to me when I can handle more - that something is happening.

But my dear sweetie, my companion, my everything - what do I do with that? It just hurts in a way I never experienced hurt before.

And that’s part of the problem. People outside the grief sphere just cannot appreciate that nor do I want them to be able to.

So I will perhaps begin writing about what we need here in the grief world. People need to be educated so they know.

Because we do not know how to handle death situations, losses that people around us are experiencing and grief (which is just a word meaning an extreme loss to the outsiders) - we struggle to relate.

On the outside - things have just broken in a big way. What do we do about that? Fix things. It’s all well and good when it’s your surroundings - but your emotional state is another thing.

A big thing.

A gigantic thing.

A topic I will have to begin to address. Perhaps that is something that will be become something.

We’ll see.