August 24, 2020 - Reflections on the Thirteenth Month

Emptiness vs Faith.

In this thirteenth month the questions continue to outnumber answers. Faith has been a constant throughout each month and the evidence of God’s hand has been revealed in so many situations where there could be no other catalyst or reason that was clearly apparent.

Having returned from one week on the beach two days past - the reentry into my shell of a life - much more difficult than I could have ever anticipated. That has also been a constant - the unanticipated emergence of awfulness when it is least expected.

Looking back over a week of watching the waves come in - those memories are a stark reminder of how life has been.

A calm backdrop, suddenly swelling to a point where a powerful crest is created which then comes crashing down on itself in an explosion of energy splattering the water in every direction.

Looking back while navigating the emotional terrain of grief - this is a fitting analogy to how the days, weeks and months have unfolded.

Among those waves - echos of my former life awaiting my return along with the artifacts of that life now one year and two weeks past that bitter anniversary.

Emptiness has facets just as a diamond possesses. You believe you observe the beauty the diamond you see in front of you - yet turn it slightly and there revealed is yet another view of what you had just been looking at. It is the same - yet different. And so it goes - with each succeeding turn revealing more beauty in the light.

Emptiness seems quite well defined. It is void of anything. Yet that emptiness does turn to reveal yet more of the same. There is no escape from it - other than the arrival of a new element that would displace its presence.

For me - the miracle of March, 2020 - releasing me from that untenable place - that vacuum of a life I had been trapped in - to deposit me in the land of emptiness. A matter of degrees really - yet emptiness being much more palatable than the stark vacuum of what life had been previously.

In the physical things - the “administrative life” that I now lead - being more than enough to keep my activity going. Although along with that activity - nothing really satisfying in the physical realm - nothing of the immeasurable value of what was before.

Endless lessons have been observed along the way - revelations of my own weakness and God’s abundant grace. Visions of an unimaginable future that awaits just ahead - just past this most hollow of realities.

Some lessons I have been blessed to receive - lessons shining a light on what could be ahead. A “sampler” of various situations that on their own, quite innocent. Yet little shafts of light illuminating my spirit with points of what could be - when, as I keep thinking, “I am ready”.

In the reactor room of what hurts the most - that loss of the precious connection. The longing for its restoration - that futile longing that goes unfulfilled and can never be in this life.

The message to me - from the beginning - has been that I am the recipient of a new life. Right now, a desolate, hostile and foreboding place - yet with the sign out in front declaring “something new coming”. The sign not being any comfort as the conditions look far from ready for anything new to be available.

In the lessons of the past months - there have been examples and reassurances that when something could happen - my complicated analytical perspective is no match for God’s elegant, simple and unexpected way of changing something - “in a twinkling of an eye”. Not only the moment believers relish based on the scripture I hold on to in 1 Thessalonians 4:16 but also a subtle reminder that change and new blessings can be immediate.

When change will appear - it will appear. And I will know it.

The message a simple one. One which we all do know. Focus on not focusing on what you want.

In God’s realm - giving and gratitude being the tools to pull our hopelessness out of our focus and replace it with the satisfaction of helping and giving.

I have been so blessed in this place I am now in. Damaged and in need of rehabilitation from the devastation yet knowing that the great healer is working that great healing as only He can.

And in that healing - the threshold of the future awaits.

Perhaps at some point the scales will fall off my eyes and I will see that I am already there. It is hard to say - I am the least likely person to know about myself.

But that is okay.

I no longer fight my battles. I have learned to turn the wheel over to the One who can.

And does.

In all that has taken place in this past year I realize I have done nothing. He has done everything.

My only job has been to hold on. Hold on to the One who can do what I could never accomplish - or envision. And hold on I will continue to do.

Because that coming new life is already here. I just have to have the eyes to see it. The heart to accept it. And the faith to know that I do not need to know what is coming.

Only that it is coming.

Of that - I am sure.