August 30, 2020 - Dismantling a Life

Painful memories. Painful goodbyes.

In the essay “Lessons from the Clothes” (Volume 8 - Essay #16) came an unsettling fact as to why this exercise in living in this strange new world is so difficult and occasionally traumatic.

It is difficult and traumatic because - at its core - the exercise is part of dismantling a life.

Of course, I never saw it that way - we really do not have this perspective. And even though we do not have this perspective - the reality is that death brings this unexpected truth to those who are left behind.

It is one of the reasons - among so many others - that the effect of a death is so varied among the participants. This is one of the factors that instills either guilt - in varying degrees - or ambivalence to the event.

Distance being one of the greatest factors in the effect. The farther away - either physically or emotionally to the moment - and the person - the less impact you personally feel.

In a sense it has to be that way. We would be all overloaded if we felt each death in its full fury. Yet sensitivity and empathy are also necessary to those in the outer ring.

Where the life - now ended - directly impacts you will be where that life intersected with yours. Where the mechanics of life meshed and connected. In these areas the intensity and impact - the loss of that life - are profound and disrupting.

In all the ways the loss manifests itself we are touched. We feel the loss of the interactions, both good and not so good - since that is just a part of the realities of life. But the core of the person - and how that core touched yours - brings with that proximity - a new level of the impact of the loss and with that level are the most difficult and intimate moments of loss.

We have the memories - the ways in which we interacted - the emotions underneath all of that - we feel the loss - the emptiness and void that is now part of our damaged reality.

But what we really are living through is the dismantling of our very being as it struggles to cope with losing connections and interactions so crucial to how it operated for so many years and decades.

This unraveling is what I constantly struggle with.

It is independent of our “operational life” as I like to call it. We will appear “fine” to the observers. You know the observation because we have all made it, “Oh, look at how well they are doing.”

And in the pure mechanics of life that is certainly a correct perspective in one sense.

Yet to us who have the ongoing struggle with the loss - each day is yet another episode of the dismantling process.

Since it is predominately an emotional process - the times at which the dismantling becomes apparent are surprising and unexpected.

Our lives are so much more complicated than we realize. On the surface our lives can appear very simple. Life does have those elements. Elements which we all experience since all of us humans do operate the same basic way.

But then our personalities, perspectives and life experiences come together to make us amazingly unique when compared to each other.

It is in all of that uniqueness that our encounters with the dismantling process become prominent - in so many different ways - in our lives.

For the loss of a spouse or a close family member with which we were deeply joined - those moments - the Bible calls them “the sting of death” can be striking in their appearance.

In those moments shining the light of reality where we would rather not have it shine. It reveals something we know yet do want to really be reminded of.

The dismantling reveals endless facets of the loss. It is a poor analogy really but fitting in a way - those moments are like the seasoning on food. The seasoning is not the main course - but adds to the flavor and texture of the meal.

Those dismantling moments then, are the “seasoning” of grief. Not the main course - but a continual dose of bitter emotional moments that highlight the reality we so wish to not recognize.

As in any list of tasks of human activity - there is an end to that list. We do arrive at the final item, that final bullet point. We do run out of tasks at some point that were on our list.

And in this dismantling as well, we will run out of parts eventually. This is perhaps that point of “closure” or “moving on” for which I have such a strong semantic disdain. Perhaps because the terms are bandied about as so many trite cliches. When in reality - those observations do acknowledge the end of the dismantling process. Yet it is a very personal and intimate experience that is not really honored by the trite and superficial.

Another strange loss - since at that point we would only have to start over and yet as much as we hold on to what is gone - it is gone.

And at some point, the scales will fall off of our eyes as we reflect what happened so many days, weeks, months and years before. The loss that occurred but could never be a part of us - at that time.

Its day will arrive. That day in which we emerge from where we have existed. We have existed in a way with them with us - with us as each component, each memory of them presented themselves to us for our review - and in the larger sense - to dismantle that element from ourselves.

Each memory presented for our recollection. And for our final moments with each amazing part of what that memory represented - and how it meant so much to us.

Our spirits flavored with the immense impact of their lives, their love - always with us - actually now a part of our very being.

Yet with the reality of the dismantling of their lives now complete.

Something real, something necessary. Something we have to live through.

And through the tears, those moments where the loss engulfs us - they are with us as they leave their emphasis on the life we now live - without them.

Each precious moment of touching them once again - touching them again as we treasure what each moment represented.

And say our goodbyes to each.

For now.