Insights into the Grieving Man

Written by a grieving man to another.

The variations in all the aspects of life are innumerable. Variety is everywhere. Variety in people, experiences, tastes - it is endless. Grief also is different for everyone who is taken there.

From my grief experience (now in its embryonic 98th day) I can report on what I have encountered with a thought that the report may have a potential to help others. Maybe even you.

I look at the world with an analytical eye. That was my profession - a Systems Analyst in the Information Technology field. A complex often indiscernible world of detail that somehow comes together to complete a task. That was my world - trying to define it, understand it, represent it both visually and narratively.

Entering into the world of grief then it seemed that if anyone could figure this out - I had a chance.

Wrong.

It’s emotional - all metrics and analytics are not valid there.

But in my journey I have observed many things. Here are some of them.

How close were you to the loss?

In my case, my loss was my wife. We had a strange marriage - I say that because it seemed that we were weird in several ways. I was still as crazy in love with her as I was when we first met 47 years before. And if that wasn’t enough - I wanted to be with her - even over other “manly” endeavors.

I’d say I would be a poster child for an extreme loss. My world was totally built around her. No I said totally. In every way.

This only has amplified the loss in a way I can not express in words.

So if there were “rings of grief” - I am squarely in the middle of ground zero. No question.

Say you had more of a traditional marriage. Of course you love your wife. But you had your interests and world. And you came together for shared times and activities. Depending upon how intense and close yours were - you will feel the loss in a different way than I have felt mine.

You have places to go that she was not a part of - those are yours alone. In those places you will find some comfort. The loss and pull will not be that great. No do not think for a moment that you will not be broken up - be a mess at times - or initially all the time, that reality will certainly be the case.

But those places, those times you spent without her - are a refuge where you will find a slice of peace amidst the storm.

How much did you share?

While speaking of your world vs her world - if you were married - the experiences you shared will become difficult to face without her. I have found I can do practically none of the things we did together as a couple - by myself.

I have been able to do some of them - but often with someone accompanying me or approaching what we did in a different way.

Home will be the biggest battlefield you will have. Because despite the times you did your own thing - when you come home you will face the biggest challenge of your life.

Being alone.

For me, this was the first time in my life I had been totally alone. There was always somebody there. Now there wasn’t.

Let me tell you - that will get better.

Initially it was excruciatingly difficult. I actually went home the first night after - and it was a big mistake. If you somehow read this before your first night - believe me - find some family and stay there. Go to a hotel if you have to - do not go home and stay right away. I don’t care how strong you think you are. With grief you have met your match.

Coming home for me now does not bite as it used to. You will experience the same change in your own timeframe. There is no rule here and don’t let any well-meaning friends start dictating expectations to you. It will take as long as it takes. Period.

How tough are you?

Actually the real question here is how tough do you think you are? Don’t fool yourself - we have a little higher expectation of ourselves than we should. And I’ll break it to you gently - that’s pride. So let’s get that out of the way.

You aren’t as big a deal as you thought you were - if you thought you were. You couldn’t stop what happened - so deal with it. Give yourself permission to feel something here. If you don’t you won’t hurt anyone but yourself. Believe me I know.

So let it out. Go to a mountain top and yell, go to the shop and pound on something. If you have to physically have to get something out - do it. I did not need that kind of outlet - but you might. You don’t have to tell anybody either.

But just consider telling someone. You don’t have to tell everyone - just someone.

Are you afraid to be emotional?

Are you? Don’t be. No one will think less of you - they all know this was a gigantic loss. Give yourself permission to feel badly about what happened.

You know it is the braver thing to confront an obstacle and this is the biggest one of your life. So confront it. And you do that by letting the pain out.

It is a total myth that keeping pain in is somehow good for you. Don’t believe that lie because that’s what it is.

Grief can be like a storm that sweeps over you and carries you away. You are no less of a person because that happens. When you face that you are not less of a person - you are a giant.

So be one.

Are you angry? Guilty?

You may feel angry. Angry at the loss, at God and the doctors, angry at everyone. Well - let that out - but don’t stay there. Chances are they all had nothing to do with what happened but we are used to wanting to have something to blame.

The frustration that the loss brings can do this to us.

Try to approach this in a different way. Honor the one you lost by not using anger or feeling guilty. You had a bond with that person. And that bond was more powerful than you believe. That bond could withstand anything that happened at the end.

Don’t go to that place and stay there. I have been to that place - too many times. But you know what I did - I left that place and honored my dear wife by being stronger than I wanted to be.

When you keep doing that - your healing is accelerated. Sure, it will take as long as it takes, but embracing honor instead of guilt and anger will make a difference in you. And the one you lost would be proud of you for that.

Why aren’t there quick answers?

If you are the type of personality that wants to get things done and move on - you have met your match. In grief - we all have. This is a situation that will take time. You will have to summon a skill you may not be good at.

Patience.

You can’t rush this. Don’t take a cue on a day where the intensity has lessened and you feel okay - to push on right away. Take it slow. Don’t overcommit yourself. You know you want to.

Don’t.

Look at it this way - we’re back to honoring our loved one here. They deserve our taking our time for this to take as long as it takes. If you start tinkering too much you will only set yourself up for problems.

It’s okay to not feel like doing anything either. Some days will be like that. Other days you may feel like your “pre-grief” life. Take that one slow because grief is always right around the corner and ready to pounce. Take it slow and be wary. Don’t run when you should walk. In the end you will be stronger than you expect.

And here’s a crazy thing - talk about this with someone. It is important to talk about the one we lost. So do that.

What about crying?

This is a problem for some. The impression that tears are a weakness is another lie and a good one because everyone seems to believe it. That’s the first reaction many seem to have.

Well they are wrong. Here’s another brave thing - cry. That’s right - let it out.

You just lost something incredible - do you mean to tell me you will act like it doesn’t mean anything to you? Tears tell us how much something is worth. Who cares if others do not understand. That’s their problem.

Your problem is honoring the one you lost by your tears. They were worth the tears. Every one. And they will always will be.

Teach the world that it is okay to cry. The tears are our badge of honor for our loved one.

They will get over their problem.

And we will as well - let the tears lead you to a better place.

There is no end.

While this article may end - your loss never will. I know I have to live without the most incredible person I could ever had the honor to be with - let alone be her husband.

Your loss is just a powerful as mine.

Let’s go forward - in some way - even if we don’t know how at this point - with just one thought in our minds.

Our love for the one we lost.

Honor them by grieving, crying, talking and learning how to live in their honor instead of their loss.

You can do it.