July 12, 2020 - Remnants of the Precious

They are your very core.

(As the eleventh month of this journey comes to a close - I am posting this message that appeared on July 8th. I have only recently been able to completely read it out loud. It is a fitting tribute to what this day represents and pray it will be a blessing to you.)

In all of us we have this special place inside. It is deep within us - a place where no one can go. A place where we keep something rather important - rather critical to our very existence.

It is where we keep what is absolutely precious to us.

This precious thing - or things - they are very private. Their power is quite strong - for what we hold precious - what really means something - or everything to us - drives our activities. Drives them often without our even being consciously aware of them.

What is the most precious to you will drive you like nothing else.

Where some things - most things really - can be excused, minimized or ignored - those most precious things will propel you on with a dedication and energy that is stunning when you really see what is at work.

You know the precious by your actions.

What will you do without question? What do you do no matter how tired you are? How inconvenienced? How impossible? Those things drive you beyond your normal qualifications and restraints.

Why?

Because these things matter to you like nothing else.

They can be as mighty as a respected person. Someone you would literally do anything for. At any hour. At any time. You do not matter - they are so precious to you that responding to them is really all that matters.

They can be as mundane as a sport team. One you will travel to the farthest game to see - to wait in the longest line for a ticket - brave extreme conditions to be a part of the activity.

Whatever that thing - or things - is, or are - you will be driven like nothing else when they appear on your radar. Why?

Because these are the things that mean something to you - mean something to you at the very core of your being.

They are precious to you.

And what is precious to us - is really what drives us.

We all have something. If you do not consciously recognize yours - do not worry. It is there. You can tell by looking at what motivates you to action. Then you will find a clue or two.

In grief - our response to our loss is one of proximity and emotional connection.

Losses that are distant - losses for which you do not have a deep emotional connection - are not as powerful.

The power that grief has over us is in direct relation to what is most precious to you. And how that precious thing - or things - has been affected by the loss.

I know that these essays are a result of my incredible loss.

A loss of something so precious to me I can barely describe it. Something so close to me that I was joined emotionally at a level few achieve. Losing then - something of that magnitude explains to me why my struggle has been and continues to be so great.

Preferences and superficial choices can be altered rather easily. But connect those preferences and choices to the most precious thing at the very core of your being - the impact of the loss of that connection is a cataclysm of titanic proportions.

I know.

I have lived it.

Writing about the loss has been essential to my survival. Conversations in a sense to myself - my inner self. Like a telephone party line - the written essays a way for others to “tap” into those dialogs.

Whether there is meaning to the casual listener is up to the listener. Whether there are lessons to be learned through another’s suffering is also in the eye of the beholder.

Our deep and heartfelt emotions - at any level in our lives - if not observed by the empathetic are just the material that fiction stories are made of. Stories of another’s life that the reader vicariously is able to partake of - and be entertained by the revelations.

But for those of us at our personal ground zero - the place where “the bomb” has been dropped - that place of utter devastation where our former life once stood - we grapple with the implications of dealing with the loss of the precious.

This is the element that those grief observers will tell you, “takes time”.

Yes it does - because re-writing the emotional script in your very core is something that does not happen on any timetable. There is no schedule - no checklist - no “bullet points”.

There is just the trauma of losing your core - and there is nothing comparable that can really replace that loss.

Our struggle then is to find ourselves at a new equilibrium. That place where we have lived with the loss, mopped up some of the devastation. Cleared a path to even survey the now empty core of our lives. That place where we can finally see outside ourselves.

See outside ourselves to what our life now looks like.

It is surreal - empty for sure - devoid of the joy and love and rhythm of what our life was. Yet it is where we ultimately land.

And what we find then - is the reference point to a new life. A new life that is waiting for us to join it.

What is that new life?

Who knows? Those of us in grief who have God with us - have a source of strength like no other. It is that strength that helps us cope. Helps us see. And when the time is right - helps us to act.

And until that time comes - we may not know very much, may not want to acknowledge much - but what we do have - and what we will always have is something that is special beyond words.

Underneath that new life - whenever it will appear - that new life will have a new core - a new core built upon an old foundation - a foundation which will be its starting point going forward.

This foundation will represent everything that was in us - everything that drove us - everything that was us - those most special elements that even though they have left this earthly realm - are still a part of our very being.

Our new foundation - and the coming new life then, will have an amazing starting point. We may not perceive that this is the case - we do not have to.

What is at our core - that core that still brings us to tears because of its loss - knows what is valuable - what is precious. It knows because it has a model.

And you know as well. You know how your precious one thought - acted - loved. Certainly we are human and nothing is perfect in many ways - but what takes the imperfections of our lives and blends those imperfections with another - when built upon a foundation of love - that connection is undefinable by any words we can find.

And yet it was - and we lived it.

And you know what it was.

And that will be the base of what will become new.

You are not going to “replace”” the precious. No you cannot - but you can build upon the rock - not only the Rock that gives us strength amidst our afflictions and losses - but also the rock of what was most important in your former life - all that made your life your life.

You will always know that they are there.

They will ground you - reassure you - and strengthen you.

Because they will always be a part of you.

Those remnants of the precious.