July 31, 2020 - Home

Where the journey ends.

We often have recurring dreams. One I have periodically is trying to get home. I am struggling to get to the destination - either in a vehicle or on foot. Each time it is the same - I am navigating various routes in order to reach the destination - but never do.

Dreams are often like plays - the entire story is not able to be recalled - but certain scenes within that story emerge with a clarity that is often amazing and occasionally profound.

Such was the case on July 31, 2020 - the 354th day.

Act 1 - Starting the journey

I am starting to return to my destination. I am rather determined to take the correct route. I make the turns and proceed through the streets. It is more of an urban setting - streets, traffic lights and different landmarks and structures along the way. It seems that the route is a good one - but as the scene ends the destination has not been reached.

Act 2 - Turning Around

I am with Joann and as we go down a street I turn around in front of this magnificent multi-story structure. It takes up almost the entire section of the block and I am making a u-turn in order to end up in front of it.

The building appears to be a medical building - perhaps a hospital. The outer structure is some type of stone - marble or some light material. The name of the facility stretches across the entire front of the building.

Since the name is carved out of the stone - it is the same color and the name is difficult to read. It is a long name - perhaps in French - but it is never clear enough to read.

I turn the vehicle around right in front of the building - there is strangely no traffic on the road so the turn is easy.

We leave the vehicle and walk down the street in front of the building.

As we walk - I am holding her close. I am telling her how I love her and savoring that moment together. We walk and walk it seems for quite a long time.

Act 3 - The Basement and the Payment

We are in a basement corridor. Actually a series of corridors on our way to somewhere.

Everywhere there is construction going on. The walls are cinderblock - as you would find in a basement - and everywhere there is construction where drywall is being attached to the walls - pipes sticking out. Something is being built-out. Every hall has something being built.

We turn a corner and there is so much construction that we must turn back and retrace our steps in order to take another route.

There are people in these halls which are generally quite wide for a basement. Almost like a crowd attending a convention. They are moving back and forth down the halls as we travel them ourselves.

We reach a section of wall where there are various machines having to do with money. ATM’s, change machines - even vending machines of some type.

I need to pay $20 for some reason. In my pocket is a very large amount of money but it is not organized. I have to go through the wad of money but cannot easily find a $20 bill. With all of the people going by I try to keep the money hidden as a look. I never find a $20 bill on it’s own but end up finding two $10 bills.

There is a receptacle on the wall made of wood - and there are small envelopes. I take one and put the money in then deposit the envelope.

I run into several people I know and we exchange pleasantries as they proceed along the hall away from us. I took quite a while to find the money - then there seemed to be another reason for another contribution but the situation is not clear.

Act 4 - Recollections

In the dream I am with a person I used to work with and we are sorting and arranging something in a room at a large table. I mention to her that I just had this dream about Joann. I tell her I it is difficult to even talk about it because the experience was so real.

I struggle to relate what happened to her - stopping to sob as I try to express the situation to her.

And then I awoke.

Realizations and Themes

It is amazing when I see things that I never saw before - in my own life and especially this grief journey.

In this month of completion there have been continual revelations about that fact.

Moments of resolution that keep snapping up to grab me. Many quite emotional yet - as I can detect - quite necessary in order for my part of this journey to be completed.

From the beginning I have stated that my sweetie “completed her race”. I was doing this for months until God reminded me about the number 12 and one of it’s many meanings - completeness.

When our relationship started in that traumatic month of January 1973, almost every night I would pick her up after work. We both had our full-time jobs. And every night I would take her home. These were painful days in many ways - but also euphoric because we knew that what had started between us was something precious, unique, wonderful and so much more.

I was - even then - just in awe of her. That we were even on this path - as difficult and gut-wrenching as it was. I would often say in the years ahead that we were the two most unlikely people to ever be together. This made our connection even more astounding to me.

In late January, 1973 when we were setting up her apartment that she would be moving to beginning February 1st - it was really the establishing of our lives together - our home. During that time we had only a sketchy idea of what life would be - how things would turn out.

It was not until that night where she had the weight of all of what had happened and what she was now beginning - on her own - come crashing down upon her - that my decision to never leave her alone - ever - would be the actual moment that our lives officially began.

My commitment was absolute and unshakable - from that moment I would never let this most precious, unique and special person ever be by herself in this world to face whatever it threw at her.

The story is quite completely told in the essays so it is unnecessary to be repeated here.

But in the end - God granted me the supreme privilege to be with Joann as she completed her journey.

As painful as this is to write - there is a strange comfort to it all. And as God continually does with me - a poignant and stunning revelation in the moment.

I finally got to take her home. And some day - I will find my way to her - and the future God has for all who believe in His Son.