June 12, 2020 - Three Hundred and Five

A new birth.

As I write the number three hundred and five - I have an out of body experience. It has been 305 days since my life ended. Ended on that Monday morning when my prayers for relief for my dear Joann were answered. The end of one suffering - the beginning of another.

And in that suffering has been a detachment from everything I have known. A rejection of reality so to speak - as I declared to the future that it no longer existed. That I was through because if my sweetie was not a part of it - I would have nothing to do with any future.

Days which I cannot imagine living - but did. Looking back and wondering how I actually did anything credible during that time.

A disconnection from this world of a magnitude that few experience. A total detachment from human activities. A total detachment from my very life since the life and patterns and cycles that I knew ceased to exist without the one who was their reason for being.

The absurdity of the idea that I could actually be here.

Be here alone.

No longer married.

And with nowhere to send the love I lavished on her each day.

Being taken to a new level of what alone meant.

And with that reality - the sad fact that there was really no one to share that aloneness with.

The idea that the world went on - without you.

Like a little child forgotten at the rest area while the family traveled on without them.

As I survey my state on this day I find I have quite a collection of items I have gathered during the trip.

Emotions of every description and intensity - most with names - many that have no name or ways of identifying them.

An understanding of the endlessness of everything. Except in my case, the endlessness is attached to the person with the destroyed life.

This is the ten month mark. Words that no longer convey any meaning. Time as we rarely reflect upon it - has no real measurement except the increments we declare. Time does not “feel” like anything. One week, one month - one year - ten months - what does any of that feel like?

Without someone to share the experience - very little.

Entering now the eleventh month - on the way to the pivotal twelfth month - a future that is as foggy as ever.

Yet with a past that displays a precision that is stunning. People, events - timings, revelations that fall into an orderly pattern. All visible from the vantage point of the rear window.

And on this three hundred and fifth day - June 12, 2020 - God in His exquisite style has granted me a special moment that will always be associated with this day. A moment that will forever elevate June 12th beyond anything I could have ever anticipated.

There’s a website called LinkedIn - it is used for people in business to post their resumes and discuss career and business topics. A lot of my business contacts are still there - about 137 of them. A few knew what happened but most do not.

It has bothered me that they did not know and I wondered how to reach them without individually contacting them which I would not want to do. Actually I had been pondering this since January.

I tried to use the system to figure out a way to communicate with my contacts as a group. As I searched I discovered the system provides no way to send one message as a mass mailing.

Then I noticed that anyone could write a business article so I thought - maybe I could write one about my situation.

I sat down - and I don’t know why this always surprises me - I popped out an article! It’s just like when the essays come - poof - they just come.

The article is perfect in that it starts with a business orientation and then introduces my situation. In the end it directs the reader to the “Essays on Grief” web site as a reference.

I posted the article 7 am on June12th and by the end of the day 28 users had read it. And that was just the first day. Click here to go to the article.

To me this was a type of birth - I was able to send out a unique message to all of those I know in the business world about my situation and launch awareness of the Essays web site. Being on this day - it will always be special for that reason. Joann being so much a part of the essays makes it a launching of her presence to a new audience.

God knows how to build something new and today will always have that positive spin to it! I don’t know why I am always amazed at these things!

But I am.

I was also taken on this day by a dear friend - a fellow grief sufferer and we had a wonderful day together - as wonderful as this life can provide at the current time.

Now we enter the eleventh month of the journey. August will be looming on the horizon soon. I only know that God will help me with the next milestones just has He has with this one.

And one thing I can be sure of - I will be surprised at what happens as I always am at how He takes care of me.