June 3, 2020 - How Can This Be?

The end vs. the beginning.

There is no emotion that I have not experienced in this journey. It is an erratic trip at best. In recent days and months - seemingly taking a turn for a less intense and awful place. Yet with the gaping hole where my former life stood ever before me.

The hope that I always had has begun to manifest itself in different ways. From titanic and overwhelmingly positive events to descents into sadness and longing for relief in this life.

And then - when my strength seems to wane - I glance away - distracted by the clamor of my emotions longing to be reactivated in some way. There are those moments when even though my thoughts of some kind of progress have been validated - I slide back into that awful place.

And the resounding message that strikes me is, “How Can This Be?”.

I line up the issues.

The absurdity of me being alone.

The helplessness I feel without my confidant and companion.

The lack of a destination for the love I lavished on the one who I could not offer enough.

It all comes crashing down.

My granddaughter Libby and I watch videos of individuals with incredible patience and skill - who construct elaborate structures built with dominos. Those who take on this task are quite amazing and the structures they build over time are equally stunning.

And as stunning as what they build is - the fulfillment of what they have done is only realized in the orderly destruction of the structures they have lovingly created. You can find these folks on You Tube. They are worth taking a look at because their feats are truly amazing.

And when my world collapses when it does - it is just like that. An orderly and systematic destruction of what is before me. Watching the model of the life I led slowly and surely disappear before me.

Leaving me amidst the wreckage of what it was.

I can see this recently as I have been slowly sorting out Joann’s things as well as other items that are around the house. Items - for which there is no future because the reason they were acquired no longer exists.

Early on - I faced the prospects of just carrying on with what was somehow. Even though I did not possess the skill necessary to carry out what would be necessary to make the objective happen. Not only lacking the skill - but then realizing the purpose now would be for what exactly? Me? Just me?

The absurdity of that thought drove my decision that all of those ancillary things would at some point have to be disposed of. They would have to go. There would be no reason for them to stay.

So as the season of what I call “completeness” (Volume 8 - Essay #13 “Lessons of Completeness”) continues after just two weeks - I am finding that I am having mini-funerals for the elements of my life that seem to be unresolved in some way.

How our emotions work is beyond all of us - so thinking that we have “dealt” with something seems to be difficult to determine.

I know that in the larger sense - I have started that arc though. A mood has changed. The “sense” is different now. I know that is a direct result of starting the process on May 17th. Don’t ask me how I know - I just do.

So this path - as always - continues to be difficult.

And perhaps this question that I keep posing will always be with me in this life. “How Can This Be?”. It is an emotional question for sure - because on the one level - I know exactly how this can be. But in my heart - the heart that was blessed with such an incredible gift - struggles to stay with me - as the analytical part of me marches slowly towards the horizon of this new life ahead.

For one reason - my heart does not have anything to hold on to right now. It is as lost as I am. The brain very keenly announcing to us, “Ok now, let’s move on please…”.

While I am trying to follow that admonition most of the time.

But at times like today - just falling down into moments that just surround me. Moments where there are glimpse of what was. Flashes of the dreams. Of the hopes that were. Fully knowing that reality dictates that it is time to get back on the bus. The driver needs to get the bus going again.

It may be true.

And once at some new destination and reality - all of this will perhaps melt into the background as it seems as it must.

But for now - I will tightly hold on to the the One who has me in His mighty grip and just hold on. Hold on as He has been with me this entire trip.

As He comforts me with the answer to, “How Can This Be?”.

The answer? Because it is His will for me.

And in a crazy way - there is a bit of comfort in that.