Observations on the Essays - Thoughts on the Journey #1
As the ninth month ends, the absurdity of all of this strikes me with a greater strength than I have experienced previously.
Surreal is what I have for breakfast. Activities distract me from the obvious - and in this ninth month, I am taking stock of the past days to see what has emerged. Because as I have noticed, I see where I am going - only by looking in the rear-view mirror.
It started - on that first day, April 13th - with an unexpected series of emotional experiences - culminating in a cinematic experience being led to a song that encapsulated my very life of the previous 8 months. Introducing me to an orchestral accompaniment that captured the somber mood of the grief I have experienced along with the wonder and scope of the idea of some new vista of a life.
Coming off the dramatic changes that began on March 1st - the changes that have forever disarmed the worst of what grief had to offer - my emotions took a toll on my body.
So much so that I had a complete week of disruption - lack of energy, an array of symptoms that never manifested themselves as anything specific. Just powerful enough to stop me in my tracks as I shut down to overcome the effects.
Learning that in my weakness - as Paul the Apostle knew so well (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) I found that I was stronger than I thought. Dealing with the disruption quite matter-of-factly without any real sadness about being alone and sick or being separated from my family for a time.
Recovering at last to reemerge to begin an interesting experiment - triggered by the comments of a friend.
I had been contemplating the fact that I really have not explored myself at all. And if there is to be a new life, there needs to be an idea of what that new person is like. As this discussion was rolling around in my mind - the trigger led me to consider setting up an online dating profile.
Not for the purpose of actually searching for a person that way - but to stimulate me to explore how I would fill in the questionnaires and in that way - begin to identify just what in the world I am.
So on April 18th I did just that. I applied to two sites and began the training exercises. I consider it the fee for taking the class in self-discovery. As the weeks progressed I completely re-wrote my ideas several times. Each one a good exercise in refining just what I was seeing in me.
At the end of three weeks - having a rather well-developed idea of how I look as a “me” instead of a “we”.
I discovered in this month that grief has now emerged in a new way. It is a dramatic change from what it was - not the deeply traumatic, sadness and anguish of the past months. No - that power grief possessed has been disarmed.
Now, however we seem to be in a new state. One of reflection and sadness. It appears to be a part of the healing that is taking place.
As my analytical side continues to know all of the structure and framework quite well, my emotional side seems to be crawling out of the pit it has resided in these past months.
That side in which the brokenness is still in the background, the longing for what was still there but less intense - and the broken heart peeking out once in a while to see where we are at the moment.
And then the tears. Yes, the many, many tears.
Often I am not sure why they are coming. Other times I know exactly. All I know is that they have been a part of the journey. They have changed over time - just as these new tears now herald a new state. One I will only clearly see once that state is well past the current day.
I realized that the home I now live in - the home shared for over 30 years - is the culmination of the life that has now past. Just the idea floated into my head that a new life may mean leaving this place - although with no real desire or reason to do that at the moment. Just this thought was a bit disarming at first - but somewhat logical in another. What comes next will let me know the course I will be taking.
Then the Essays on Grief web site had been on my mind. I wanted to include the pictures and small comments that accompany each entry and insert them into their actual blog post. A formidable task with over 170 entries to change. But when attempted - the work went much more smoothly than expected. Other changes I had wanted to accomplish also working out rather quickly.
I completed an introductory video on the Essays - started in February but never really working out. All of this coming together quite effortlessly. I established a You Tube Channel for the video to live in as well a link to the newly updated web site.
Apparently an accomplishment I was unaware would be accomplished in this ninth month.
I go along fine and then in a moment will stop dead in my tracks with the thought, “What in the world is all of this?!”. Depending on the moment - perhaps with an associated emotional breakdown.
My final observation - for now - is that my life has been quite analogous to being in a coma. Being on life-support - not being able to function operational but the life still being maintained by artificial means.
Yes, that sums it up. Activities and obligations keeping the body active while the spirit struggles to gain the ability to function.
I also know that I will have to have someone with me. That also was a revelation of this month. I am a professional partner - I am not the type that will just pretend they are happy while being alone. No, that will not do. I finally figured that out this month as well. Something I know that God already knows.
Just as I look back and see how He has brought me to this point. I pray for the strength to stay in faith. He has made it clear to me in so many ways that He is with me.
We’ll see what the tenth month holds in store.
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