Grief, as we know, is different for each individual. Sure there are facets of the grief journey that are common to all participants yet there are unique elements that will surface in your journey that are unlike any others.
For me one of those elements has been the separation of the current life from the past life.
As my original life crumbled around me, I was left with the destruction of the pattern of life I knew. Although that old life had it’s issues, of course, emerging from the wreckage was continually painful and disorienting.
At first, trying to continue on with the previous pattern of life - as flawed as it was - became an issue of its own. With the element of my life that made my life my life now absent - it became obvious that continuing on was awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved.
Those elements that I still loved, were lost in the aftermath of the loss. New peripheral losses emerging in surprising ways. Our lives are so connected at so many levels that we dare not attempt to figure it all out - if we could. However, the finality of a loss does begin a process of separation that is open ended and continual.
Of course - the emotional side of all of this quite dependent on the person’s emotional make-up. I, in particular, was immensely emotional which did not make any of this easy.
When God took the implausibility of ever bringing me together with a kindred spirit in grief and made it plausible - my awe and wonder was stunning. How could this be possible? How could I ever meet someone? How could that meeting ever lead to anything deep and lasting? How could there be maturity when there was not experience?
Death and life are messy. Those of us in grief cannot come to grips with the finality of a death any more than we can navigate our lives (new or old) without stumbling quite frequently as the new life collides with left-over elements of the past life.
In my case now, there is a clear delineation of my lives. There was an old one and now there is a new one. Although that might seem quite simplistic, the reality of the old and new is quite powerful.
New is new. That’s all there is to it. And in this newness there is a completely new perspective. The transition to this newness ever seasoned with all that came before. That seasoning quite subtle in so many ways. All the time I notice these little reminders of what came before. They pop through the barrier all the time - if just for a moment - and acknowledge their place as an element that I left behind in the past.
After all, life is life. While framed in this newness, the past is like a watermark. Quite subtle but if you look a certain way - you see it.
Sadness - the foundation of my past life in grief, has been totally been replaced with irony. Ironic things of the present glimmer at times with a vision of what came before. For me they are not melancholy or disarming - but reinforcements that say, “Look, this is how you got here.”
But what I have had to do - and I do not know if this is permanent or a passing reality - is distance myself from the past life. Since I am physically in a new place - and the old place is literally gone along with 99% of it’s artifacts - there is no real longing to return.
Surely there were so many relationships and experiences of that time that were so meaningful - at that time. I have found that embracing those elements do take me to a place that I do know is past.
In grief, one of the elements that does trap you - it certainly trapped me severely for quite a time - was holding on to the past. It was really my reality for quite a time.
Now that need has dissipated in the new life - but even hinting of going back in any way becomes uncomfortable when those rare moments appear.
Whether this is an element that will someday be less of a problem I do not know - so for now I must stay firmly in the new world. Venturing back through so many ways that would return me to that time is just not wise - or so it seems.
Think of new wine in old wineskins as the parable teaches. New and old are not compatible at one level. My current state surely makes that point clear to me often.
It is disconcerting that what was valuable in the past, meaningful and real cannot - for the moment - exist with me in this new place. There is an uncomfortable atmosphere associated with those past elements.
Will that always be the case? Who knows. There is no “end” of the grief journey. It is different for everyone. Many will be able to blend both worlds - but for me - that is just not yet possible - for the present.
Perhaps I’m too literal - perhaps it may appear selfish - who knows what it is. One of the many things I have learned in the grief journey is that the journey does take on new character and perspectives as you live it.
And of course, God is the point. For His purpose and His plan I’ll see the way to go - and what that way will look like.
Some changes are quickly apparent - others more subtle and gradual.
But for that past I have left behind - everything and everyone and every experience in it has led to this exact moment. All of the past life is the foundation of today. All of it has made me what I am at this point - the new in all of its newness propelling me to that future I had so much distaste for in the worst days of my grief.
It is an honor to have that much love and past experiences be the foundation of today. An entire life that is in reality the foundation of this new world.
So as I go ever onwards to where that new world leads - I know that God’s glory will be manifested in all of it - using the richness of that past life as the foundation for what He is building in the new life I am growing in each day.
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