How can I begin to explain how incredibly difficult it is without you. The reality I wrestle with continually is only tempered by the demands and activities of obligations. They are momentary distractions. Occasionally, enough of them are strung together so that the moments almost feel “normal”. Yet when the wind dies down, the sailboat does fall over. Usually right on top of me.
I bought a travel case for the Canon photo printer. It seemed like a good idea. As I was emptying the box to put what was important in the new case - there was a photo I had taken of one of our moments with Darrell at Chili’s.
I don’t know why the picture of you pierced my heart. I have seen others, I just wrote an article with your photo on it. This one though invoked the full fury of your absence. It sucked me back in time - I did not want to go there - but back I went.
That airlock to the past I thought was so secure just opened and sucked me out into the emptiness. As usual I had a perception that I was doing “quite well”. I should know better.
Today at church I was speaking with a few I had not really talked with for a while. They do know of my situation - but I know - just as I did when I was in their shoes - they have no idea what is under the pleasant exterior I am projecting.
I often want to scream that although I may look ok - I’m not but I don’t want to upset all of you with the truth. The conundrum that all of us in grief face. Don’t think I am “moving on” just because I’m not a visible mess. I’m an invisible mess - to them at least. Perhaps that is their blessing not to see it.
I just mumble to myself - how can this be one year? And then agree that I am officially floating just above whatever life is suppose to be. I’m not a participant at all - just an observer. A disinterested one at that.
The Hamblets invited me along with Jim and Faith to their home once again September 5th. It was such a wonderful time. A totally different environment that is a welcome change from the present.
I finally took the next set of clothes to MCEF. The timing was right as it was the first Sunday of the month they accept donations. They took the important things - a few things I wasn’t sure but they didn’t take those. I so despise throwing things away - but it looks like I might have to.
I will now continue the gathering. I have pulled a few items out just to have them. I need a few remnants while I am still here.
Yet for all my wrangling I have settled - after the two very contentious weeks after the return from the beach - on my original observation from when this all started. God wants me here for something. You are waiting your next moment - that 1 Thessalonians 4:16 moment. I must take on the mission I have here as my part. I don’t actually rejoice in this - but rather feel that you not being here for the pathetic world situation is a blessing. I would rather suffer than have you.
You are ready - I will see you again. I know exactly what my first words to you will be when I see you again. A true cosmic joke spanning two realities in a sense - no make it a cosmic irony.
And yet I know He will be helping me soon. I just know it with all my heart. His glimpses into what could be very poignant and encouraging. The appetizers of the coming new life. My continual prayer is that I want to be ready for that thread to begin. I know it will.
And although I am exceedingly grateful to be blessed with our home and resources - the loss of the intimate - the closeness - the feminine perspective is just too much for me to bear. I exist without all of that - but only for a short time. It’s like holding your breath. You can do it - for a short time. But eventually come back gasping for air.
I end up gasping for something that I cannot supply - until God picks me up and settles me as the waves of emptiness pass.
The orderly analyst fully understanding that if something new is poured into this vast emptiness - this unresolvable logic problem I have will have to step aside for whatever new reality is introduced by its presence.
Displaced for that new connection. Since He wants me here I keep reminding Him (but this is just for my benefit actually) that He will be bringing me the ability to have that connection.
I just am not that personality that can really blast through all of this. No - I will need help, down here - for that to happen.
For now a stalemate for me - with the emphasis on the stale.
I know what you would tell me - to not worry about you. To trust in Christ (I do) and go forward in His plan. That is what I am doing. I tell God He has to fight my battles - the latest one I asked for today was to help me be strong in your memory. That, just as I have been praying from the beginning, my grief is turned into strength.
I am reading your notebooks - actually my plan is to read everything you have ever written down on all of the little scrap papers, notebooks - everything. All of your emphasis and notes are little glimmers of you. And when the thought first struck me - and it almost literally struck me down - that all of your notes you ever wrote have turned out to be for me in this new reality.
That was a breathtaking moment to realize your work had another purpose. So I read them in the morning, before bed. You leading me through God’s word. I could not have a better guide. Every underline, every highlight, every special notation a bit of you that brings me comfort.
You prepared me for this and now comfort me as I go on without you.
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